


The Caseworkers

by frankievera02



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Bang Chan & Lee Felix are Siblings, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kidnapping, M/M, Mind the Tags, Minor Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Soft Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Spies & Secret Agents, this is pretty heavy but also has lots of plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:21:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 54,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28258386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frankievera02/pseuds/frankievera02
Summary: Felix opened the door to face the person Chan had written of in his letter. The “agent”, who he expected to be older than him and much taller, with silvering hair and cold, stern eyes.Instead, he was met by the person he least expected to see in such a situation.“Seo Ch-Changbin?” Felix said, all traces of oxygen leaving his lungs at the sight of the short, unfriendly-looking loner. The guy everyone at school had made great efforts to avoid. The guy Felix never pondered into the life of until that moment.“Come on, Felix. I know you’re probably confused, but I’ll explain in the car.”
Relationships: Bang Chan & Lee Felix, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 165
Kudos: 216





	1. "we are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that, in the end, we become disguised to ourselves"

**Author's Note:**

> Some things to take note of before reading: 
> 
> (1) LOOK AT THE TAGS! I don't want to hurt anyone. 
> 
> (2) Relationships are very subtle because I am trying my best to keep the privacy of the real people in mind. 
> 
> (3) This is not my usual genre, so if it isn't perfect I apologize. 
> 
> Thanks for clicking on this! I hope you like it! <3

_ 2013 _

Felix was so quiet that, sometimes, he thought everything in the entire universe had come together as its own sentient being and planned to speak over him. 

His creaky bedpost in the morning, his bare feet against the hardwood floor as he walked through the hallway, the sink in the bathroom, the shower, the toilet flushing, doors opening and closing, the eerie sounds made by the refrigerator, cereal being poured into a bowl, the sound his spoon made swishing around in the milk, the voices of his aunt and brother. 

Those voices would always overpower his, but he didn’t mind. 

He didn’t mind that the world was louder than him. 

That was the way it was  _ supposed _ to be, afterall. Ever since he first developed memories. Ever since those days a long time ago, when he would sit on his older brother, Chan’s, lap as Aunt Nayeon told the two of them everything they needed to know about the outside world. The big, scary world that didn’t follow rules and didn’t listen to their aunts. 

_ “Felix,” _ she would say.  _ “Stay quiet. And don’t play with the other children. Or else you’ll hurt them.” _

Felix never felt lonely as a young child, because he didn’t know what “lonely” was supposed to mean. He was following the rules playing by himself. He wasn’t missing out on anything but the damage Aunt Nayeon had said he would inflict on his peers. He would spend his alone time drowned in his thoughts, wondering what he would do to the poor kids in his class. Would he hit them? Would he hurt their feelings? Would he push them on the sidewalk and cause them to scrape their knees? Or would the hurt come without a single movement from him? Would his words cut them with knives and cause them to bleed? Would the carbon dioxide he exhaled choke them? Would his face make them sad? 

Now, at age twelve, Felix was still unsure. He was still buried in his own skin, vocal cords constantly covered in a thick layer of rubber that muted his voice and shut his mouth. He was still listening to the sound his metal spoon made against the ceramic bowl, feeling as though he were making too much noise. 

But Chan was being so much louder, eating sloppily, creaking his chair, talking and talking and talking. 

Did Chan have friends at school? Felix didn’t know. He’d never brought any of them home, but that didn’t mean he never spoke to anyone. Did his words hurt them, like Felix’s probably would? Or was he different? Was Chan better suited for society? For life? 

All Felix knew about Chan was that he loved him more than anyone else in the world, and that he trusted him with his life. Chan was the only other kid he could talk to. Sure, the boy was three years his senior, but they were both in school, and they both knew what it was like to grow up under the care of someone as cold and strict as Aunt Nayeon. 

At age twelve, Felix was still very small. His voice was still so high and his hands looked like those of a toddler. He had big, scared eyes and chubby cheeks and a bowl cut that adults walking by on his way to school loved to pat, using words like “cute” and “sweetheart”. Chan had always seemed to be several leagues ahead of Felix. At fifteen (sixteen in two months), he was taller, and his voice was deeper. His face had a chiseled, mature look to it that Felix was amazed by. He walked confidently and spoke as though he knew every word he would ever say for the rest of his life. 

Aunt Nayeon looked at Chan with pride and security. 

She kept Felix crouched behind her, holding her hand, eyes closed and ears covered and mouth shut like the monkey statues people kept in their gardens. 

_ “Don’t ever forget, Felix,” _ she would whisper every once in a while.  _ “That I’m only doing this because I love you. I’m trying to protect you.” _

_ “But what about Chan-hyung? Doesn’t he need to be protected, too?” _

_ “I used to protect him just like you, but that was before I realized that he’s always known how to protect himself.” _

Chan and Felix were brothers, but they were so different. But, then again, they were so connected. Their brains were like the telephones you would make as a child with two cups and a string. Felix’s mind was like a cup with a million strings, reaching out into the abyss, picking up everything he didn’t want to know and filling his heart with joy and hope and sadness and anguish that never went away until he fell asleep. The only good thing about his brain was that he always understood, so he never felt angry. He didn’t even know what anger was, or how it felt. It was never there. 

But, now, Felix’s feet were speaking over him and so was the sink. His backpack was speaking over him and he slid it onto his shoulders, over his school uniform. The wind and the insects and the cars and the trees and even the grass were speaking over him. Everything lived, while Felix stayed silent. 

“Ready to go to school, little brother?” Chan chortled, lifting the small boy off the ground with a single swipe and tilting him almost upside down. Felix opened his mouth in a silent squeal, no sound coming out, and laughed silently. 

“P-put me down, hyung!” he said in his quiet, little voice. 

“Oh, okay, Lix. I guess I’ll put you down…” Chan said, faking disappointment, planting the twelve-year-old’s feet back on the ground. 

When Felix looked up at his older brother’s eyes, he noticed something different, that had never been present before. It looked like love, but there was more to it. It was love and sadness. It was adoration and fear. Chan was looking down at Felix with so much love and so much sadness and so much fear. 

They started to walk, the sidewalk seeming too close to Felix’s head and Chan’s head too far. He wanted to hold his brother’s hand, to calm his worries, but he knew that he was too old to do that. He hadn’t held his brother’s hand in public since he was in elementary school. 

“Hyung?” Felix whispered with a look in his big eyes that usually melted any source of tension. Chan smiled, pinching the younger boy’s cheek. 

“Yes, Felix?” 

“What are you thinking about?” 

There was a long silence that seemed to drag on for too long. The world was watching and moving and breathing during the silence, like a person, causing Felix’s blood to pump fast and his heart to hiccup. He felt the gentle breeze against his forehead as it brushed his hair to his temples. 

“I was just thinking about the ice cream you’re going to buy on your way home from school today. Here, I have something for you.” Chan said, tone high and cheerful and fake. 

The older brother reached into the pocket of his shorts and pulled out a few thousand won. Felix looked at it, confused. 

“Come on, you love getting ice cream after school.” Chan said, nudging him with his elbow. 

“You usually come with me, though. Why won’t you be there?” 

Something in Chan’s face seemed to falter at that moment, but he quickly caught back up. 

“I have a lot of work to do today.” the teenager said, words thick with some powerful, painful emotion that made its way into Felix’s chest and made him sad. It didn’t feel like Chan’s. It felt like an emotion that was so completely foreign had nested itself in Chan’s heart and dragged him down with it. Felix’s strong, happy, shining older brother, dragged to the bottom of a well, submerged in darkness. 

They reached the middle school too quickly. Felix didn’t want Chan to leave. He wanted his brother to be there with him forever—to enter the school with him, to go to class with him, to eat lunch with him. He wanted to see Chan’s face forever. But he knew that wasn’t realistic. They both had school. 

“Lixie…” Chan said, crouching slightly so that they were eye-level. That was when Felix saw something shiny in the older boy’s eyes. Something that looked like tears. Something that grew into clear, little droplets that fell down the pale skin of his face and hung from his chin like icicles. “I love you. I love you  _ so _ much.” 

“What is it, hyung? What happened?” Felix asked, that sad pit growing inside him, larger and larger, against his will. He felt so weak and small. So powerless. 

“I want what’s best for you. I want you to be happy. And I want you to be safe. I love you.” 

“I love you, too, hyung. But… What’s going on?” 

Chan just hugged Felix tighter than he ever had before, Felix’s face pressed into the older boy’s chest. Chan picked him up again as though he were only a small child—if he truly were as young as he looked—holding him so tightly, crying. Savoring the days when Felix was still small, knowing it wouldn’t last. And when he let go, Felix felt as if he was being dropped off a building,  _ falling _ ,  _ falling _ ,  _ falling _ … 

And then Chan was gone. 

That was the last time Felix saw his brother. 

* * * * *

_ 2019 _

Felix was eighteen, and he felt as though nothing in the universe had changed but him. 

He was still living with Nayeon, going to school, avoiding people, wondering why he was supposed to avoid them. He was peer pressured and bullied, but he was still alone, because when he stepped into his classroom, he sensed the mood of everyone and everything, from the teacher to the students to the pencils that sat on the desks. There was a glob of colors, like one of those carpets in elementary school classrooms, hard and solid, different colors smushed together tightly. That was what Felix saw and felt and knew whenever he was around other people. 

But he was always detached from it, and that was because he didn’t have any friends. 

The loneliness had creeped in as he got older. He was taller now and his voice was far, far deeper. He still had a baby face, covered in freckles that had made their first appearance when he was a child from hours outside in the backyard, playing with Chan. 

Chan. 

Felix hadn’t seen him since he was twelve years old. He hadn’t gotten a single letter or text, and Nayeon explained nothing to him. She just told him that Chan wouldn’t be coming back. 

Now, Felix was at school, the only purpose of his life being the homework that sat before him and whatever opportunities may have laid ahead for him. He wasn’t sure. 

“Oh, look! It’s the mute one!” 

Felix sighed quietly, keeping his eyes glued to his desk. When his papers were lifted from the wooden surface and thrown all over the floor, his gaze didn’t move. When taunts were thrown at him and he was pushed, his gaze didn’t move. He just continued looking down, looking forward, pretending nothing existed. 

He preferred not to think. Everytime he thought, all that ran through his mind was Chan, because nothing else stood out. The days blended together in a blur of gray, because there was nothing interesting. There was school. There was watching the dark, solemn Seo Changbin across the cafeteria at lunch, eating alone, looking out at the world with a purpose that Felix couldn’t begin to have. He had never spoken to Changbin, but the older student still intrigued him, nonetheless, because he was the first person Felix ever saw, aside from Nayeon, who could be alone and perfectly content. It was as if Changbin didn’t need any other person in the world—he only had himself and his own strengths and goals. 

Felix’s life motto was “don’t get attached.” It was so easy for him to get attached. All it took was a second of eye contact for Felix to understand everything about a person. Their feelings sat on the outside of their skin, shimmering before Felix’s eyes, begging him to come closer. But he wouldn’t. He couldn’t. He needed to stay away, so as not to hurt them. 

As he was walking home that afternoon, all Felix could think of was ice cream. That was all he thought of every day as he walked, because he had been eating ice cream when he got back to Nayeon’s on that dreaded day. He had finished his ice cream when Chan didn’t come home. He had thrown up his ice cream when Nayeon said he would never see his brother again. 

Felix couldn’t eat ice cream. 

He couldn’t stand the sight of it. 

Because when he saw ice cream, all he could think of was the voice, floating above his head, telling him that Chan was dead. Telling him that Chan didn’t love him. That Chan was glad to be away from him. 

And it made him feel so lonely. 

Felix pulled his key out of his pocket as he stepped up into the porch, ready to unlock the door. Nayeon usually left the door locked, despite the fact that she was almost always there. She was just paranoid, Felix assumed, about being burglarized. 

But when Felix lifted his key up to the lock, he realized that the door was cracked open, the crack thin enough that he wouldn’t have noticed it from a distance, but still there nonetheless. That was very unusual. How could the door be open? Nayeon had never left the door open by accident in the entirety of Felix’s life. Felix felt his heart rate increasing in pace and volume and the world around him grow dead silent. 

He slowly pushed the door open, hoping to see the scene he had gone home to every day since he was a small child. Since he was a toddler who didn’t know his parents and depended on his aunt.

What Felix saw didn’t look like Nayeon’s house. It wasn’t spotless and perfectly organized, as she always kept the place. 

The place was wrecked. 

The table was knocked over, the refrigerator was wide open, drawers had fallen out of the counter, the floor was scuffed up, everything was pulled apart. Felix ran into his room, seeing the entire place looted. Chan’s room was looted, too. Nayeon’s room as well. 

And Nayeon was gone. 

Felix stood in the ruins for a few minutes, silently, his heart louder than he had ever spoken. It seemed to echo throughout the empty house at the volume of an avalanche. What had happened? He was so confused. He was in shock. 

But he saw something on the floor. 

It was a slip of paper, so small and unassuming that normally he would have thought nothing of it. 

At that moment, however, it was the closest thing he had to an idea what had happened. 

Felix walked slowly over to it, crouching down and picking it up, unfolding it. 

It was, indeed, a note. 

_ Felix,  _

_ I know you’re scared and confused right now. If I could explain everything to you in this note, I would, but I don’t have time. Now, all I can do is give you directions for what to do when I am gone.  _

_ Go into Chan’s room, and find the wall behind his dresser. It should be thin. Break it, and there will be a box inside. The box will need your fingerprint, and then it will open. Read the note inside.  _

_ You will never see me again. I have been so secretive, Felix, but just know that I love you. Even if I am not your real aunt.  _

_ Nayeon _

Was Felix awake? Was he dreaming? First, he finds himself in his aunt’s presumably burglarized home, and now he needs to find a box left for him by his long missing brother and his aunt is not his real aunt? Why won’t he see his aunt again? What was going on? 

But Felix, nevertheless, found himself walking into Chan’s room, silently, with dead steps, like a zombie. He saw the collapsed dresser and looked at the patch of white-painted wall behind it. He picked up a figurine from the floor and used it to smash through the wall, which broke surprisingly easily. Chips of the material fell to the floor, revealing a dark, hollow space. Felix ripped chips away until he saw the box, down at the bottom, covered in pieces of whatever lay in between the walls. 

The box was heavy, made of what appeared to be steel and sealed with a large lock in the center of the front. The note said the box would need his fingerprint, so Felix placed his thumb over the lock, waiting a few seconds, before the lock clicked and the box popped open, causing Felix to jump in surprise. 

Inside the box was a long, folded note, written on the lined paper of the notebooks Chan always wrote his class notes in. He picked it up, slowly, and unfolded it. 

_ Lix,  _

_ If you’re reading this, Nayeon has been captured. Do not panic, you are going to be safe. I am writing this note after leaving you. I needed a plan, and now I have one. I need to explain a few things to you, though, which you will find very confusing. Please be patient.  _

_ We are both Gifted, which means we have powers. I have discovered mine, and you may or may not have discovered yours as of now. But we are in danger because of these powers. Nayeon took us in so we could be safe, at least until the inevitable happened. Both Nayeon and I are part of a group called the Caseworkers, where we work toward saving Gifted children who are in danger and haven’t discovered how to suppress their powers. I am a spy for the Caseworkers, living at the headquarters of our enemy, pretending to be one of the staff members at his “school”. I have been doing this since I left you. I would have told you sooner, but I couldn’t.  _

_ Now, you need to wait where you are. Do not go anywhere or call anyone. At some point, someone should come through the door. He is SpearB, another agent. To be certain it is him, I need you to ask him the question, “What happened when you first tried to escape?” You will not understand what it means, but he will. He will grow distressed, and he will not answer. If he does not show physical signs of distress, or if he answers the question, it is an imposter and you need to get away.  _

_ Do everything SpearB says and follow him. You can trust him, and he will protect you. You will not understand what he is doing, and you will be afraid, but you need to trust me. If you do not follow mine and his directions, you will be kidnapped and taken to District 9.  _

_ SpearB will explain any further questions.  _

_ I love you, Lix.  _

_ Chan _

Felix blinked several times, rereading the note over and over again before submitting himself to whatever chaos he would find himself in. His life was changing in the blink of an eye and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He had nowhere else to go. He might as well trust his brother’s note. 

The teenager stood up, note in his trembling, sweating hand, and stood a few feet from the ajar front door, waiting. He tapped his foot and bit the inside of his jaw in anxious anticipation. He paced around a few times, mind seeming blank but chest so full of emotion he felt it would burst. 

That was when Felix heard a knock at the door, and he inched toward it. What if it was an imposter? What was this “District 9” place? What would happen to him? Who was SpearB? He just took a deep breath and took the plunge. 

Felix opened the door to face the person Chan had written of in his letter. The “agent”, who he expected to be older than him and much taller, with silvering hair and cold, stern eyes. 

Instead, he was met by the person he least expected to see in such a situation. 

“Seo Ch-Changbin?” Felix said, all traces of oxygen leaving his lungs at the sight of the short, unfriendly-looking loner. The guy everyone at school had made great efforts to avoid. The guy Felix never pondered into the life of until that moment. 

“Come on, Felix. I know you’re probably confused, but I’ll explain in the car.” 

“W-wait…” Felix said, wondering if it was Changbin’s first time ever hearing him utter a word. It probably was. “I need to ask you a question.” He looked down at the note. “What happened when you first tried to escape?” 

Changbin—or “SpearB”—seemed to pause. He looked at Felix with wide, stern eyes. And Felix sensed all of it at once. The ball of nauseating anxiety that filled Changbin’s stomach and chest. The sweat that built up in his cold hands. The way he struggled to take a breath. It was awful, but it was necessary. 

It took several minutes for the older boy to gain control of himself again, and neither of them said a word the entire time. Changbin seemed to understand, because when the anxiety washed away, he only nodded, motioning for Felix to follow him. And Felix did. 

“Where are we going?” Felix asked as he followed Changbin out to the car that was parked in Nayeon’s driveway. The car was black and shiny and small, kind of like the boy who drove it. 

“Headquarters.” Changbin said in his low, gruff voice. He spoke bluntly and emotionlessly. His face seemed to be frozen in an ever-present glare. “Now get in the car.” 

Felix had a feeling his life was a lot different from how he had originally thought. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "The Goldfinch" by Donna Tartt.


	2. "i know, the past will catch you up as you run faster"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fast update because I can't stand any of my stories to only have a single chapter! Thanks for the positive feedback on my last chapter! This one should be more eventful! <33
> 
> I hope you like it!

When he was ten, Felix had asked Nayeon if she was proud of him. She never seemed proud of him, so he thought she would answer with a “no”. 

Instead, she said, “You are exactly what I expected. And I find a lot of relief in that.” 

There was a glaze of dull grayness over her irises as she spoke to her younger nephew. There was something less than love in her eyes. It seemed double-sided and tricky. It was as if she saw the little boy as a piece of art, which needed to be carefully constructed—the product reflecting the talent of the artist, rather than the art itself. Maybe Felix couldn’t go as far as to call himself art, he thought. Chan was the artwork. Felix was just… Felix was a commodity that needed to be grown and preserved correctly in order to be good enough to sell. He was perishable, like spinach. It didn’t take much to bruise him and tear him apart and eat him whole. 

“Do you love Chan-hyung more than me?” Felix whispered, looking and sounding so small and so fragile. That was probably what the world saw when they looked at him. That was what Nayeon saw in him. 

“Of course not, Felix.” Nayeon briefly caressed his cheek with the backs of her fingers. “You and Chan are so different in so many ways. There’s no competition. I couldn’t love either of you more than the other because I’m here for one reason, and that is to take care of and protect both of you equally. So how could I love Chan more than you? Hmm?” 

“H-how are we different? We’re brothers. I thought brothers were supposed to be the same.” 

“Chan is a chameleon. He can change depending on what people want from him. He’s also got a lot of spirit and heart. No matter how much his goals get overshadowed by the persona he puts up, they always find a way to peak their way out when they’re most needed. 

“And you, Felix, are a mirror. You also have heart, but it’s very different from your brother’s. It’s not fire. That’s why it’s so hard to understand you. But I do know that, whoever you end up being, I’ll be very happy with it, because I know that you will make the decision you believe to be the best for yourself and the people around you.” 

Felix was an untouched, wax-coated wick beside a flaming torch. Felix was so small and so powerless. Felix was silent. Felix was exactly what Nayeon wanted. 

_But why?_

* * * * *

The car was muffled and quiet. There was the beating of Felix’s heart pounding in his eardrums and making him dizzy. There was the tension and anticipation and worry exuding from Changbin. It started to fill Felix to the brim, and he was beginning to lose track of himself and his own body. He was going numb and his eyes were starting to close. 

“Felix, are you okay?” Changbin said in a snappy voice, causing the younger boy to startle back into reality. Felix started shaking because he didn’t quite know where his consciousness was laying, or who it belonged to. It could be anywhere. He was so confused. 

“W-what’s h-happening?” he said in such a quiet voice he was surprised Changbin had picked up any of it. He felt both awake and asleep at the same time. He hadn’t experienced a feeling anywhere close to it since that moment before Chan left him, right at the very end; one of the only times Felix had seen his older brother cry. 

“I’m rescuing you.” Changbin responded, his words sounding both unsure and carefully calculated. “I’m assuming Chan-hyung’s letter gave you a ton of muddled, unexplained information that left you scared and confused?” 

Felix nodded. 

“I’ll do my best to explain it to you, because I know Chan-hyung told me that you are completely in the dark, am I right? You haven’t discovered your gift yet?” 

Felix nodded again. 

“At school, everyone you see is normal. They’re all just normal kids going about their lives, taking classes, getting ready for college, all that shit. Their bodies all work exactly like how your human anatomy textbook says. But there are other people, who are very rare, who are a little different. That’s you and me. And Chan-hyung, and Nayeon, and all the others at the Headquarters. Maybe it’ll help if I explain to you what gifts are first, so you can get an idea:

“When me and Chan were born, we had gifts, but we didn’t know what they were, and we didn’t know we had them. Gifts can be kind of complicated, but most of them seem to fall into three categories, which are: basic, advanced, and rare. 

“Basic gifts are the most straightforward shit ever, like controlling the elements, and they have nothing to do with your cognitive abilities or communication skills or anything like that. It’s like caveman stuff, like _‘I make fire’_ and _‘I move rock’_. All that. I only have one gift, which is fire. I can produce and control fire. It’s kinda stupid, but whatever. I can throw a good punch, so I guess that makes up for it. 

“Advanced gifts are gifts that fall outside of the elements. There are a lot of them, actually. For example, my boss is a Shapeshifter, which can help her to blend in with her surroundings. It’s kinda weird, so she doesn’t do it very often, but it really helps in tense situations where you need to hide from someone. There’s also stuff like enhanced senses, which Chan-hyung has, and there’s photographic memory, which Seungmin—another member—has. Also, Hyunjin, who you also don’t know, has precognition, so he has dreams where he can see the future. Most gifts that aren’t basic fall in this category. 

“Rare gifts are gifts that no more than two or three people in the world have at the same time. Honestly, I’m not sure why. It might be because they’re so weird and powerful that the energies can’t cross or what, but they’re extremely uncommon. I don’t even know most of them. Chan-hyung has a rare gift, which is invisibility. That’s what makes him so useful to our boss. Another guy at Headquarters, Minho-hyung, has some weird-ass gifts. At first, our boss was just trying to write them all down and keep track of it, but she did some more research and decided just to classify it as… Wait, what’s it called? Oh, it’s _claircognizance_. It’s weird, and he’s pretty miserable. Like, he’s got a million things going on at once and it really takes it out of him. 

“But, in case you were curious, Chan-hyung has one basic gift, which is water. He can produce and manipulate water. He’s got one advanced gift, which is enhanced senses, so he can see and hear super well and feel the slightest bit of change in the air or whatever. It’s crazy. He also has one rare gift, which is invisibility. Most Gifted people discover what their gifts are when they’re, like, thirteen. I found mine out when I was twelve, but that was only because of, well… Trying circumstances, to be vague. Chan found his out when he was, like, fourteen, maybe? Because it wasn’t long after he discovered them that he came to Headquarters.” 

Felix bit his lip, pensively, and said, “Do you think I actually am, um… Gifted? Because I don’t think I have anything.” 

“Yeah, you have the look. I’ve been doing a lot of research on gifts and how Gifted people can be told apart from conventional people, and people who have either advanced or rare gifts seem distant and, like, lost in their head a lot of the time. I mean, I guess conventional people can look like that, too, but it’s not the same. You were super dissociated and falling asleep a few minutes ago. Minho-hyung has to sleep like twenty hours a day just to keep from burning out and getting super sick. And have you ever noticed that your eyes can get kinda purple? You were looking at me before, when you were dissociating, and your eyes were turning purple. I bet your gift is just kinda subtle, and you’ll discover it when you need to. You better not be controlling my mind or something. 

“But, anyway, most gifted babies just go under the radar, like they live with their parents and then one day they accidentally shoot water at their friend’s face during P.E. or heal someone’s broken leg. And that’s fine. Most of them are pretty easily concealed around conventional people. I guess Minho-hyung would probably be taken to the doctor and tested for a million illnesses because his gift seems to act like a parasite, but it’s not like he’d be labelled as the town freak or anything. Now, things are less simple because we’ve got dumb-fucking Seunghyun and his school of hostages to worry about. He’s got doctors and stuff on his side to kidnap kids and stuff, it’s fucked up. My boss has some field agents, like Nayeon, who goes around hospitals looking for defining characteristics in babies and goes to preschools and stuff to talk to kids and get a scope. Chan-hyung told me Nayeon first adopted you when you were a baby, so I bet Nayeon found you at a hospital and saw your purple eyes and took you. I was raised by my parents, so I wasn’t discovered until… Well, it doesn’t matter.” Changbin sounded troubled, as though some of the anxiety that had arisen earlier had returned. 

“Wait…” Felix said, thoroughly shaken. “So Nayeon kidnapped me?” 

“Yes, she kidnapped you, if you want to be blunt. In reality, she was just keeping you safe. Seunghyun’s goons probably would have found you if she didn’t, and then you’d have a really fucking awful childhood. Like, being a prisoner your whole life, getting the shit beaten out of you and drugged and stuff. It’s hell.

“As I was saying, though, you and Chan-hyung were both Gifted, so Nayeon took you guys. Chan-hyung was really starting to show signs of his gifts at the age of three, and you only had that sorta aura. Chan-hyung said that was why you two seemed to go super well together in the same household. Honestly, I didn’t know the aura would be so strong on you. Like, who fucking has purple eyes? Nobody has purple eyes.” 

“My eyes are brown, though.” Felix countered, confused. “I see them in the mirror every day and they’re brown.” 

“Well, of course they fucking were. You were looking in the _mirror_. They’re not just always purple, that would be pretty damn maladaptive if you ask me. Seunghyun’s ass-kissers would scoop you up in an instant and torture you to death.

“Seunghyun is a psychopath. He’s basically Gifted Jim Jones, and I say that because he doesn’t even need manipulation tactics when he’s got his powers. He decided he wanted to take all Gifted babies and program them so that they’ll be his weird little slaves or whatever so he can take over the world or something. The dude’s got his head in the clouds, honestly. Like, how would he do that? But, either way, he’s dangerous and he’s hurting a lot of people. So that’s where we come in. 

“My boss is named Yongsun sajangnim. I guess I can call her that around you since you’re Chan-hyung’s baby brother. Her code name is Solar. She’s super powerful and she’s, like, a mastermind at coming up with plans and strategies and organizing the group. We’re called the Caseworkers because it’s a word that already exists, so it can be thrown around without people remembering it or looking twice. Also, it’s kind of what we’re doing. We’re taking kids who don’t really stand a chance, and we’re giving them protection and teaching them to take care of themselves. We also try to rescue some of them from District 9, which is Seunghyun’s headquarters. 

“Chan-hyung’s gifts are super useful for rescuing hostages. He and Jamie-noona are kind of like the people right under Yongsun sajangnim, but they don’t have all that much power over us. Chan-hyung is a spy, and he lives in District 9 for most of the week and comes back during weekends to discuss things with us and sometimes bring back some hostages he rescued. His job I think is, like, a teacher at the academy there. He didn’t explain much to me, but that’s what he does. He’s gotten on Seunghyun’s good side, and his invisibility powers are super useful for sneaking around. He’s also super good at acting and charisma. Like, I don’t even know if the version I know of him is real, he’s really good at knowing how to act around people to make them like him.

“Jamie-noona’s advanced gift is telepathy, so she can read people’s minds, and she can tell if someone’s lying, so she’s in charge of communication. She can also use her telepathy to scope out how others are doing with their powers and try to decide what they need, so she’s a good teacher. She taught me a bunch of fire tricks, so now I’m a lot better at using my gift. The only problem with telepathy is that she can only read the person’s internal monologue. She can’t decide if their thoughts stem from reality or mental blockage, which makes it more difficult to tell if the information she gets is useful or not. Like, for example, if someone was brainwashed into thinking a certain way, all she can tell is that they’re telling the truth. I’ve heard of people being able to feel other people’s emotions and almost crawl into their bodies, but I’m pretty sure there hasn’t been a person like that for centuries. I think they’re called… Empaths?” 

Felix wondered what Changbin meant when he said Empaths could “feel other people’s emotions”, but he didn’t bother asking. It didn’t matter. 

“Well, we’re gonna get to the Headquarters pretty soon. Basically, most of us work as field agents. Headquarters is where those of us who are in the most danger go. Right now, all of us living there are either underage or came when we were underage. Even Chan-hyung and Jamie-noona are only twenty-one. Seunghyun can’t track our location, because we’ve got a lot of technology keeping us off the radar. Chan-hyung has a tracking device that he has to wear for Seunghyun, but he and Yongsun sajangnim found a way to deactivate it at certain times and redirect Seunghyun’s connection to another device in some apartment building in Seoul.

“When we get there, I’m gonna take you to Yongsun sajangnim’s office, and she’s going to get everything set up for you. You’re gonna get a room and she’s gonna take your fingerprints and stuff for security reasons. Oh, and you’ll get a code name, too, for when we’re on missions.” 

Felix’s eyes widened. 

“Code name?” he asked, intrigued. 

“Yeah. My code name’s SpearB, Chan-hyung’s code name is CB97, Jamie-noona’s code name is Jimin. You can’t be a member of the Caseworkers without a code name.” Changbin said. 

“Wait… So, I’m gonna be a member?” 

“Of course you are. What, did you think we were just gonna let you sit around? Nayeon must have been too soft on you.” 

Changbin pulled the car into a garage and suddenly it was pitch black. The sky outside was already beginning to darken as the sun set, but this was so dark Felix couldn’t see a thing. He was so accustomed to being alone in the dark that the presence of Changbin disguised itself as a memory. 

_Felix at age eleven, having woken up from a nightmare. He was already sweaty and on edge, and the darkness of the house was only adding to his edge. He was walking down the hall to get a glass of water when he heard the voice._

_It was Nayeon’s voice, from her room, voice stern and angry and dark. Voice almost sad._

_“I’m doing my best…” she had choked out, in tears. “I can’t hide Chan for much longer. He’s doing what he can, but… It’s just difficult. It’s tricky. It’s powerful.”_

At eighteen, Felix was beginning to understand what she had meant. 

_“Please! I don’t want him to get hurt! I don’t want little Felix to get hurt, either! They’re just kids…”_

_Felix suddenly felt dizzy. His fingers and toes tingled and his chest felt full and heavy. A wave of numbness washed throughout his body, inside and out, from the top of his head to the soles of his feet, and then it exploded. Fear, desperation, anger, sadness, guilt. It hurt. It hurt so much it caused his knees to give out. The pain was running through his veins, pumping his heart, lighting his brain on fire, causing him to gasp for air and choke on it, tears spilling from his eyes._

_He was paralyzed._

_“Lixie? What happened?” Chan was whispering over him. Felix only clutched his chest._

_“S-sad, hyung…” he croaked out, breathless and strained. “So s-s-sad…”_

_The door opened, revealing a stricken, tear-stained Nayeon, who only slammed the door again and turned the lights off in her room. Felix cried harder, wailing, unable to control himself._

_He was doing everything he could for them, but it wasn’t enough._

_He couldn’t keep going._

_They were crying because of him._

_He made the little one cry._

_No, he didn’t._ He _didn’t do anything._

_Why was Felix feeling this?_

_Who was he?_

_Felix didn’t know who he was._

_Chan picked Felix up like a ragdoll and carried him into his bed with him, hugging him so tight it almost took some of the pain away and shushing him over and over again._

_Felix only remembered crying until he couldn’t hold his eyes open anymore, and then sleeping for a long time._

Felix was gasping, holding a shaky hand over his chest, feeling sweat drip down his face. Changbin was shaking him. It was still dark. 

“Felix! Felix!” Changbin snapped, and Felix felt the panic begin to slowly deteriorate. “Come on, let’s get out of here.” 

Changbin pulled Felix out of the passenger’s seat and dragged him out of the garage and back into the warm tones of dusk that seemed to refill Felix’s soul and send relief into the spaces where there had just been so much anguish. 

“What was that?” Changbin asked, disinterest masking the concern he was obviously feeling. 

“It’s nothing.” Felix replied, and Changbin didn’t press him. He seemed to understand. 

“Chan-hyung just texted me.” Changbin said, looking down at his phone. “He’s back for the weekend. He usually doesn’t come until Saturday morning, but he knew you were coming.” 

Felix stopped in his tracks, feeling some strange emotion. He couldn’t pinpoint what it was or where it was coming from. All he could think of was being played with and held and teased and eating lots and lots of ice cream. 

_Ice cream._

Felix absentmindedly grabbed Changbin’s hand and squeezed it tightly, causing the older to snatch his arm away, impulsively. 

“What the fuck?” he said, taken off-guard. “Why are you trying to hold my hand?” 

Felix looked up and said, “I’m gonna see Chan-hyung again?” 

“Um, yeah. Why the fuck wouldn’t you? You _do_ know he works here, right?” 

He would be seeing Chan again. Felix would be seeing his older brother again. Chan. Chan-hyung. His big brother. _Him_. Felix would be seeing him again. Was it true? Was it real? Was it— 

“Chan-hyung told me you’d probably act like this. He told me you had a lot of, um… Anxiety, as a kid. I mean, you still _are_ a kid.” 

“You’re only a year older than me, Changbin-ssi.” Felix said, quietly. 

“That’s right. I’m an adult, you’re not, so shut up. And I guess you can call me hyung. Not because I like you or want to be your friend or anything. Because Chan-hyung would have my head if he found out I wasn’t being super fucking friendly to you. God, it’s about time you came here. Hyung wouldn’t stop talking about you for a damn minute. It was always about his ‘little brother Lixie’. It’s fucking cringe if you ask me.” 

“I…” Felix was stumbling over his words. He was overwhelmed, but it wasn’t in a negative way. It felt so different from anything he’d ever experienced before. Was this what it felt like to look forward to something? Something bigger than pizza on Fridays, or getting a grade back on a test he studied his ass off for? “I thought he didn’t want to see me again. I thought that was why he left and didn’t leave me any texts or calls or anything. And I thought he was dead.” 

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Are you really that stupid? How many brain cells do you have? Hyung’s been hung up on you since he left. And how in the flying fuck could you ever think anything was strong enough to kill Chan-hyung? He’s too smart for that, the fucking bastard.” 

Changbin was trying not to be nice, but Felix could see through all of it. His entire facade was melting before Felix’s eyes and made him feel warm, as if happiness was headed in his direction for the first time. As if everything wouldn’t crumble around him, out of his control. 

He thought of Nayeon again. 

“Where’s Nayeon?” Felix asked. 

“You won’t see her again.” was all Changbin said in response. He was hiding something, and Felix knew he was hiding it because he didn’t want to hurt the poor boy any more than he had already been hurting. 

Changbin just grabbed Felix by the arm and pulled him forcefully toward the small house that stood several meters away. They were in the countryside, where it was quiet and peaceful. They definitely weren’t in Seoul, where Seunghyun evidently thought Chan lived. 

Reaching the front door to the cottage-looking house, Changbin rang the doorbell, and a small, elderly woman answered it, smiling warmly up at the two boys. Felix was more than slightly taken aback, but Changbin was confident. 

“Hi Mrs. Park. It’s good to see you.” Changbin said in a voice that was uncharacteristically polite. Felix almost snorted. “I brought back Chan-hyungs brother, Felix.” 

“Aww…” cooed the woman, pinching Felix’s cheek. “What a cutie. If you ever want a cookie, just come up here and you can have at my jar.” 

Felix was very confused, but he nodded, politely, bowing and saying, “It’s nice to meet you, ma’am. Thank you.” 

Changbin then dragged Felix through the house and down the creaky stairs and into the basement. 

“Mrs. Park is an old family friend of my boss. She’s letting us use the ground under her house as our Headquarters.” Changbin said, pulling Felix into one of the corners of the unfinished basement, where a poster for a movie that was released back in 1968 was tacked onto the wall with a single tack. He flapped up the poster, placing his hand on the wall behind it, and suddenly the floor was falling. 

“Grow up,” Changbin shot at Felix. “Are you scared of everything? You definitely don’t take after Chan-hyung in that sense.” 

When the floor slowed to a stop, the scenery was completely different. They were in a place that didn’t look like the house above, but definitely didn’t look like a “Headquarters” for a secret organization. It seemed almost homey, like a therapist’s office. The wooden floor was uneven and the walls were a soft shade of lilac. The doors were white-painted and the lights were yellow-tinted. 

“Come on, I’m gonna take you to Yongsun sajangnim’s office.” 

Felix followed Felix through the hallway, turning into an open door. The office was small and eclectic-looking, with pink walls and shelves full of books. The desk was boxy and vintage-looking, with a floral pattern carved into the drawers. Behind the desk sat a beautiful woman with long, blonde hair and kind eyes that made Felix feel at home. Was this the boss? She looked like an actress or a singer or something. She looked _flawless_ , like an angel. 

“Is that Felix?” she said in a sweet, cheerful voice. She stood up, revealing the colorfully-patterned maxi skirt she was wearing. She walked over to him with her arms held out, and pulled him into a tight hug. “I haven’t seen you since you were a little baby, but I’ve heard a lot about you. Nayeon and Channie were right about one thing, though. You’re _adorable._ ” 

“If wimpy counts as cute…” muttered Changbin under his breath. Yongsun only smiled at the shorter boy, putting her hands on his cheeks. 

“What a little sunshine you are, aren’t you, Changbin?” 

Changbin said nothing, but was clearly bothered. Felix resisted the urge to laugh. In the presence of Yongsun, Changbin seemed far less intimidating. Felix almost thought he looked cute. 

“Felix, you were the sweetest baby.” Yongsun said. “You rarely ever cried, and you were so cute. You had the chubbiest little cheeks. You would look me in the eyes when I was feeding you, and your eyes would turn this beautiful shade of amethyst. Channie told me they still do that.” 

Yongsun did not look old enough to have held Felix as a baby, but he guessed the woman just had great genes or took great measures to preserve her youthful appearance. Nayeon was similar, but Felix was too accustomed to her beauty to think much of it. 

“I never noticed, ma’am.” Felix said in almost a whisper. 

“That’s a shame. They’re gorgeous.” Yongsun walked over to her desk and picked up a file, flipping through it before looking back up at the boy. “This environment is going to be new and scary to you, but I can assure you that’ll go away as time passes. I’ve already assigned you to room with Seungmin, since the two of you are the same age.” 

“Good luck with that,” Changbin snickered. “Seungmin’s a fucking nightmare. But I guess you are, too, so you should get along just fine.” 

“Language, Changbin.” Yongsun snapped. 

“Oh, he’s just jealous Felix gets to be my little brother and he doesn’t.” said another voice from behind them. Yongsun looked up at the person with a smile. 

Felix felt his heartbeat increase as he slowly turned his head. There was curly hair and strong facial features. Dimples. Those eyes that were so familiar. Pale skin. 

It was _Chan._

“Hi, Lix.” Chan said, his eyes growing watery. “It’s been a while.” 

Felix immediately burst into tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Chapter title from "I Know" by Placebo.


	3. "nobody knows me, i'm never lonely, until someone holds me and it's all just to show me what it's like to be loved"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super excited about this story, which is why I'm updating so fast, but as time passes my pace will probably slow down a little lol. Lots of new characters in this chapter! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy! <3

There were so many sides to Chan, that he often wondered who he truly was. 

Especially on the day he left. 

There were his strengths: loyalty, mental and emotional strength, quick-wittedness, diligence, focus, charisma, duty. 

There were his weaknesses: guilt, blinding curiosity, unbreakable love. 

Chan was an idealist, but there was a small part of him, further inside, that was a realist, allowing him to chase his ideal. It was what allowed him to say goodbye to Felix on that fateful day during his fifteenth year of life. 

Sometimes, though, Chan wondered if his “ideal” wasn’t truly his ideal, but rather the ideal of someone else. 

Either way, he was saving lives. 

_“Don’t tell Felix”_ were the words that came out of Nayeon’s mouth on a regular basis. Chan was allowed to know, but Felix wasn’t. Felix didn’t know who he was or what his potential was. He didn’t know who his brother was. Felix was a little boy who didn’t know his eyes turned purple at times. Chan wouldn’t let him know, because Nayeon told him not to tell. 

So he didn’t tell Felix that his eyes had turned purple when he was putting him back down on the ground in front of the middle school, ready to leave. Chan’s eyes were so full of tears and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to say anything more to his brother without spending another day with him, or another week, or month, or year, or longer. He wouldn’t be able to say goodbye, so he left without saying anything. 

He packed his backpack that morning and Felix’s eyes were purple. They were purple as they walked to school. They were probably purple for the rest of the day, and Chan didn’t know why. 

As he was sitting in Yongsun’s car, he thought of the purple eyes. He thought of a purple-eyed Felix looking sadly down at a melting ice cream cone, wondering where his brother had gone. He thought of a purple-eyed Felix crying himself to sleep, as he had done on all bad nights before, just on his own this time. He thought of a purple-eyed Felix growing up without him. 

Voice changing. 

Getting taller. 

Discovering his gifts. 

Finding out the truth. 

All without Chan. 

That was probably what hurt the most. And that was what Chan could never forget, regardless of how long he spent in District 9. All he thought about was his little brother and the guilt that stabbed his heart and threatened his work. It was horrible. But it was still there, nonetheless. 

Chan was talented and powerful and brave and strong and diligent, but he was also soft. 

_Too_ soft. 

* * * * *

_Felix immediately burst into tears._

“Hyung…” Felix mouthed, unable to push out a single coherent word, as he looked at the person he thought he would never see again—the person who he craved to see more than anyone else in the universe. 

Chan looked so different, yet so similar to the way he was. He seemed so much shorter, but that was only due to the fact that Felix, himself, had grown. There was his firm, angular face and sharp eyes that were also soft. His mouth that rested in a smile, and the dimples that sat on his cheeks. His curly hair. He had filled out considerably, gaining an admirable amount of muscle mass, but the essence of what made up Chan was still the same. 

It was still undeniably _Chan_. 

He was wearing all black, as he had done since he was old enough to pick his own clothes. There was something so striking, yet so plain about him. It was the fact that Chan had done so much, but when you really got down to who and what he was, he was a twenty-one-year-old guy who looked like the next twenty-one-year-old guy. 

Felix didn’t feel like the eighteen-year-old that he was. He felt so much younger. He felt like the little boy he had been before Chan left. But, at the same time, something was so different that made him sad. Maybe it was the fact that the time was gone. The memories were gone. And now here Felix was, eighteen years old, with the experiences of a ten-year-old.

But he wasn’t angry, because Felix had never been angry. 

Felix’s knees gave out and he fell so that he was sitting on the floor, looking forward at Chan’s shins, unable to believe he was looking at his older brother’s shins again. Since when had his shins been so amazing? 

“Aw, Felix…” Chan said, kneeling down in front of the boy and opening his arms. “Come here, buddy. Give me a hug.” 

Felix slowly leaned into his brother’s embrace, lifting his arms up to wrap around the older man’s torso as he gained the strength to do so. Chan squeezed Felix so tight he thought his bones would break, but he didn’t mind in the slightest. He savored the feeling, burying his tear-coated face into Chan’s shoulder, falling almost completely limp. He couldn’t stop crying, and Chan refused to let him go, hugging him tightly even as he was standing up again, dragging a very weak Felix up with him. 

“I missed you so much, Lix. I can’t believe you’re really here now.” Chan said in a voice that was weak with emotion. 

Felix couldn’t find his voice to respond, only taking in the firmness of Chan’s shoulder and the scent of his jacket. It was a smell Felix had forgotten about, now hitting him with a wave of nostalgia that made him feel so happy and so sad and so confused and making him cry even harder than he had been before. 

“Do you speak, Lixie?” Chan asked in such a gentle voice that it almost made Felix want to drown in his own tears. Why did his voice sound the same as it had all those years before? 

Chan pulled back, causing Felix to feel as though his heart had been wrenched out of his chest. He felt so floppy and weak. He could barely hold himself up. Chan took a few seconds to look at Felix’s swollen, tear-soaked face. 

“You’ve gotten so much bigger, Lix.” he said. “How did this happen? The last time I saw you, I could pick you up and carry you no problem and now you’re as tall as me. Maybe even a little taller. But I can see you’ve still got your freckles, at least.” 

Chan pulled Felix back into another tight hug as Felix sniffled, trying to push his vocal cords into producing sound. 

“I-I d-didn’t know w-where you w-were, hyung…” Felix choked out. 

“I’m sorry, Felix. I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t allowed. But your voice is so deep, oh my God. It’s deeper than Changbin’s, holy shit.” 

“I w-was all a-alone…” He probably sounded like an upset toddler, but Felix didn’t care. 

“I know you were, Lix. That must have been awful, I’m so sorry…” 

“I-it’s n-not your f-fault, though.” Felix could tell. He could feel the innocence in Chan’s chest. It was so bright behind the blackness of his hoodie. 

“I guess you really were right, hyung.” Changbin’s voice sounded from behind them. Felix had forgotten the other agent was even there. “He doesn’t get angry. If I was in that position, I’d be pissed.” 

“Yes, you definitely would, _Binnie_ —” Chan began, only to get briefly cut off by a very annoyed Changbin. 

“I told you not to call me that.” 

Chan ignored him completely. “Remember that time when I got hung up at District 9 and got back a day late and you ran over, punched me in the face, and then gave me the silent treatment for, like, three weeks?” He smiled tearfully, letting out a short laugh. 

“Fuck off, hyung, I don’t know what kind of shit Seunghyun might have been doing to you. He could have nailed you to a table and attached shock pinchers to your nipples to interrogate you.” 

“I know, Binnie, and it means a lot that you care so much about me—” 

“Don’t call me that. And I don’t _care_ . I just owe you one, so I don’t want you to get hurt before I can repay you. I don’t _care_ about anyone.” 

“Oh, alright… If you say so…” Chan turned to Felix. “Did Changbin get you here alright? Did he hurt your feelings in any way? Don’t worry, you can be honest, if Changbin decides to lay a finger on my little brother he’s really gonna get it. Isn’t that right, Changbin?” 

Changbin glared off into the distance, nodding silently. 

“He was nice.” Felix said. “He explained lots of stuff to me.” 

“Channie, you ready?” said a female voice from the doorway. Chan nodded. 

A short girl stood there. She was wearing all black, similar to Chan. Her expression was both soft and stern at the same time, indicating to Felix that she held a significant amount of authority at the Headquarters. This must have been— 

“I’m Jamie,” she said to Felix. “It’s nice to meet you.” 

Felix bowed, shakily, quietly greeting her, and Jamie smiled. 

“Here, let’s all take a seat.” Yongsun said from across the room. “Thank you, Changbin.” 

Changbin bowed before stepping out of the room and shutting the door behind him. Chan sat a still shaky Felix down in a chair, then sat right beside him, ruffling his hair in reassurance. It seemed so familiar yet so distant. 

“So, I presume Changbin explained to you what we’re doing here and why?” said the leader, eyebrows raised. She had so much power, but she seemed so peaceful. She made Felix think of a character from a movie—maybe Galadriel from _Lord of the Rings_. Felix nodded, jerkily. “Did he tell you about Nayeon?” 

“U-um…” Felix stuttered, cursing himself for sounding so weak. “He said I’ll never s-see her again.” 

“She’s dead.” 

Felix felt as though he had been punched in the chest, and Chan grasped his hand and squeezed it. 

“She knew what she was getting into.” Yongsun continued. “All field agents know that there will be a possibility of being captured and killed. Nayeon made sure it happened to her instead of you. Seunghyun tries to interrogate them, but it’s no use. They won’t say anything, because the freedom of our children is what is going to stop him for good. Does that make sense? It’s not your fault.” 

Felix nodded. He couldn’t believe Nayeon was dead. His only parent-figure in the world was dead. She was gone forever. She had been killed. 

“The majority of Gifted adults in the world are living perfectly normal lives. It’s not that difficult for most people to suppress or disguise their powers. However, due to certain circumstances, that is far different for Gifted children. That’s why we need field agents to risk their lives, and that’s why we need to send Chan to District 9.

“Everyone living here has been through more than what would be ideal. Jamie’s field agent was killed, as well, we have rescues from District 9, orphans. My nephew, Seungmin, is here. This is the safest place for you.”

Felix was so confused and overwhelmed that he didn’t know what to say or do or think anymore. He felt his eyes fill with tears and the world grow blurry around him. 

“It’s okay, Felix.” Yongsun said. “You’ll get used to it. I promise. And if you have questions, or if you need guidance, I’m a lot less scary than some people think.” 

Felix wanted to respond, but he couldn’t. All he could think about was Chan and Yongsun and Changbin and Nayeon. 

_Nayeon…_

“I’m gonna take him to the community room.” Chan said. “He seems pretty out of it right now and I think he needs to eat something and relax.” 

Chan stood up, pulling Felix to his feet and leading him out into the hallway. Felix felt as if he were floating. Nothing seemed real. He’d woken up that morning and gone to school, just like any other day, and now his aunt was dead and his home was gone and he was living in an underground headquarters and his brother was back. Felix thought his stomach was eating itself for a moment, and then he couldn’t keep his balance anymore and he was gagging. 

“Shit,” Chan muttered, sliding his arms under Felix’s armpits and dragging him into the bathroom so that he could throw up. 

His throat burned and his chest hurt. There were tears in his eyes and his face felt tingly. All he could do at that moment was cry, and Chan didn’t stop him. The older boy just flushed the toilet and used a damp paper towel to clean off Felix’s mouth and chin. When he felt okay enough to stand on his own, Felix washed his mouth out with water from the sink, and then Chan put his arm around him and walked in through the windy hallway and into a room that was full of couches and chairs, with colorfully patterned rugs strewn across the floor, and, in the corner, a kitchen area with a refrigerator, a stove, a microwave, an oven, a coffee maker, and shelves full of dishes and kitchenware. There were already people sitting in the living room area—quite a lot, actually. 

Changbin was there, participating in a heated discussion with a round-cheeked boy who looked to be around Felix’s age. Jamie was playing cards with a tall boy with brown hair and soft features. There was another brown-haired boy, who looked to be older than Felix, with broader features and a handsome face, sitting next to another boy who was equally as radiant, but in a taller, narrower style, who was talking to a boy who was probably around Felix’s age or younger, based off of his childlike features. When Chan stepped in with Felix at his side, everyone immediately stopped what they were doing and gave them their full attention. 

“Changbin-hyung was right,” said the round-cheeked boy. “Felix is a cutie pie.” 

Changbin’s cheeks turned red and he slapped the boy's arm with what looked like all his strength, saying, “Why the fuck would I say that? I never fucking said that! God, Jisung, you’re such a little fucking dumbass!” The boy, Jisung, just laughed hysterically. 

“Okay, fine… I was joking. You can stop hitting me now, hyung.” he said through giggles. 

“Wow, way to give a first impression, guys.” Chan said, smirking and rolling his eyes. “Be gentle. Felix has had a rough day.” 

“Yeah,” said the handsome, brown-haired boy. “He had to spend a number of hours alone with Changbin.” 

The entire room collectively grimaced, causing Changbin to glare in what Felix thought resembled pride more than hurt. It was strange seeing Changbin in such a casual setting, watching how his friends treated him. It made him seem far less terrifying than Felix had originally thought. 

“Why don’t you sit down, Lix?” Chan asked, softly. “I’ll make you a sandwich. Let me see if I can remember your favorite sandwich… Hmmm… I’m gonna say peanut butter on one side, half jelly half honey on the other side.” 

Felix smiled slightly, remembering the old days, when he used to request that sandwich every time Nayeon couldn’t make it to dinner and Chan had to flex his extremely poor cooking abilities. They would make “experimental sandwiches”, and the one Felix always came back to was the PB&J with half honey, half jelly on one side. It wasn’t even all that good, but the concept of it made Felix extremely happy for some reason. 

Felix nodded and began to walk over to the living room area, where he looked at everyone and was suddenly overwhelmed with the feelings he had been trained to experience his entire life. 

_Don’t look at them._

_Don’t talk to them._

_Stay away._

_You’ll hurt them._

“You don’t have to be scared of them, Felix.” Chan said from across the room, in the kitchen. “Nayeon only told you to stay away from the kids at school because she didn’t want anyone to notice your eyes. She thought you’d get caught by Seunghyun more easily if the word got spread around. But you’re safe here.” 

So, this whole time, Felix hadn’t been a danger to his classmates? He had only stayed away from them because of a physical trait he did not even know he had? His head began to spin again, and the only thing that brought him out of his anxious trance was the feeling of a soft hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see the kind eyes of Jisung, who smiled softly at him in a comforting way. Felix could already sense his aura. The warmth and youth and silliness. The passion and fear and talent and optimism the boy possessed. 

“It’s okay, Felix.” Jisung said. “You can sit down next to me. I heard we’re the same age. I’m Jisung, by the way.” 

Felix nodded silently, allowing himself to be led to the couch Jisung had been sitting. It was extremely cushy, unlike anything Felix had sat on before. Nayeon had never been one for plush furniture. He suddenly felt as though he were being bathed in warmth, and he wasn’t sure if he liked it or not. His stomach still hurt from throwing up minutes before. 

“When’s your birthday?” Jisung asked Felix, who was struggling to realize that was a cue for him to speak. He had never spoken in the presence of so many people. He had never had more than two or three people pay attention to him at once for a reason other than humiliation or bullying. Fear sparked in his mind, but it was quickly put out when Chan sat beside him, setting a plate down on the younger boy’s lap. 

“U-um…” Felix almost whispered. “September 15th, 2000.” 

Jisung’s face lit up like a lightbulb. “Mine’s the 14th! We’re only a day apart in age! We’re like twins!” 

“Stop shouting, Jisung, you’re making my migraine worse.” said the handsome, brown-haired boy, massaging his temples. Looking at him for longer, Felix realized how exhausted he looked. He remembered Changbin mentioning a member of the group who experienced migraines as a result of his gift. What was his name again? 

“I’m Minho.” he said. “I’m a ‘98 liner, so you can call me hyung, but my brother here, Hyunjin,” he motioned toward the handsome boy beside him. “He’s your age.” 

“Hi,” Hyunjin said. “It’s nice to meet you.” 

“I’m Jeongin,” said the innocent-looking boy beside Hyunjin. “I’m a year younger than you, so I guess I’m the youngest one here still.” 

“As you rightfully should be.” added Hyunjin, causing Jeongin to scowl at him. 

“Seungmin’s probably not gonna introduce himself because he’s a sociopath.” said Hyunjin, causing Minho to slap him on the arm and scold him for being rude. 

Everyone turned toward the brown-haired boy who Felix realized was going to be his roommate, who just looked up from his cards, emotionlessly. 

“I’m Seungmin.” he said in a muffled, monotone voice, before turning his head back to his game. 

“He’s closest to Jamie so he’s only ever in here if Jamie is.” Jisung said. “We’re all too dumb for him.” 

“Jisung, that’s enough.” Chan snapped. 

Felix looked at Seungmin for a few seconds, studying the boy with his eyes. He sensed something very bitter inside of him. Something empty and _lonely_ and— 

“I’m going to bed.” Seungmin said, standing up and walking swiftly out of the room. 

“He thinks we’ve got grudges against him because he’s Yongsun sajangnim’s nephew.” Jeongin said in a very quiet voice. “But that’s not true. If hyung wanted to hang out with us, we’d want to hang out with him.” 

“Maybe Felix’ll soften him up, since they’re gonna be roommates.” Changbin said with a snort. 

Jisung looked up at Chan with his eyes wide, saying, “Why would he have to room with Seungmin? Seungmin’s gonna hurt his feelings or something. It’s his first night.” 

“It’ll be okay.” Chan said. “I’ve never seen Felix get mad my entire life, so I doubt they’ll be arguing. And Seungmin’s quiet, even if he’s a little cold.” 

“What’s your gift, Felix?” Hyunjin asked, curiously. Everyone else seemed to be curious, as well, excluding Changbin and Chan. 

“Um… I don’t know.” Felix responded, feeling small and pathetic. 

“He hasn’t discovered it yet.” Changbin added. 

“Have you ever been able to light any fires or, say, fill a bathtub or build something just out of nowhere?” Jisung asked, causing Minho to roll his eyes. 

“Jisung, do you _really_ think he’d reach eighteen and just not see anything strange about being able to shoot fire out of his hands?” the older said, sarcastically, causing Changbin to snort at the younger boy’s ignorance. “He must have an advanced or rare gift.”

“His eyes turn purple.” Changbin added. “Definitely advanced or rare.” 

“Why don’t you guys tell Felix about your own gifts, rather than playing scientist?” Chan said, light-heartedly. 

“Okay,” Minho said. His voice seemed apathetic, but also observant and intuitive. Everyone looked to him immediately, as if he controlled the mood of the room. He was definitely one of the older members. “I’ve got the world’s most annoying gift, called claircognizance. It basically means that I can slightly manipulate all the elements, I can look into the past and the future, I can talk to spirits and the dead, and I have a very small amount of telepathy. But basically that just means I have a million things going on in my head at once and they overpower each other and give me migraines. It’s very hard for me to channel just one of them. Last time I tried, I went into cardiac arrest. So that’s why it’s annoying.” 

“My gift is precognition.” Hyunjin said. “Every once in a while, I’ll have dreams where I see the future. Mostly when something big is going to happen.” 

“I can manipulate air and water,” began Jamie. “And I’ve got telepathy. And I can tell that right now, Channie’s thinking that he wants chicken.” 

Chan looked up at her, sheepishly, mumbling something that sounded like, “So what, it’s good…” 

“Mine is earth.” Jisung said. “It’s kinda simple and boring, but it’s okay. At least I’m not a big badass who ironically only has one basic gift, like Changbin-hyung.” 

“I swear to God, Jisung, I’ll throw you down the fucking drain if you don’t shut your goddamn mouth.” Changbin threatened. 

“Mine are earth and water.” Jeongin said, smiling. He was, indeed, cute. 

“Seungmin’s not here, but he’s got a photographic memory.” Jamie said. “That and he’s, like, crazy smart with computers. He’s, like, the only person able to hack into the security system at Seunghyun’s academy, and he figured that out when he was thirteen. It’s crazy.” 

“He’s an actual genius.” commented Hyunjin. 

“Do you know my gifts, Lixie?” Chan asked the younger brother, raising his eyebrows. 

“Yeah, hyung.” Felix said. “Changbin told me in the car. You can turn invisible and hear sounds from miles away and stuff.” 

“That’s why I left so early. Invisibility is a really powerful gift, especially accompanied by heightened senses. It makes me the perfect candidate for spy. And the whole water gift thing acts as a good cover-up. I can just tell Seunghyun I’ve got one gift. And, Felix, you should really start eating that. You’ll feel better once you get something in your system.” 

Felix nodded, feeling very out of place. His stomach still felt strange, and he decided it was time to finally pick up the sandwich and force a small amount of it down his throat. He had no appetite, but he didn’t want to worry Chan. 

“And you’re looking really skinny, Felix, have you been taking care of yourself?” Chan added, a concerned look on his face. 

“Lay off him, Channie.” Jamie laughed. “Not everyone is built like a fucking tank and can put away two thousand calories in a single sitting like you.” 

“But look at him, Jamie. He’s smaller than Jisung. And he’s my little brother, don’t I have a right to be worried about him?”

Felix smiled, thinking of times years before when Chan would eat four plates of food and then be suddenly worried because Felix had only eaten one. It was true, however, that Felix’s appetite had diminished in the past few years as a result of the loneliness that riddled his mind. He wondered if that would get any better now that he was reunited with Chan. 

“I’m not _that_ small.” Jisung countered, flexing his arms and making a face. 

Changbin snorted loudly and commented, “You’re the thiccest stick insect around, Jisung-ah.” 

“Screw you, hyung. At least I’m not _short_.” 

“You wanna fight, kid? Because it sounds to me like you’re asking for this fist,” he pointed at his clenched fist. “in that little fucking squirrel face.” 

“And here Changbin is pretending he doesn’t love Jisungie with the entirety of his cold heart.” Minho said, smirking. 

“I don’t _love_ anyone, hyung.” Changbin snapped. 

“Sure, you don’t, Mr. Grinch.” 

That was when Jisung, on perfect timing, grabbed Changbin by the face and placed a sloppy kiss on his cheekbone. Changbin squawked in anger and disgust, grabbing the younger boy by the waist and forcefully throwing him over his shoulder, standing up so that the boy’s arms and legs could hang down as he kicked and squirmed. 

“Chan-hyung!” Jisung wailed in the most _“little brother”_ voice Felix had ever heard. “Tell him to let me go!” 

Chan only laughed and said, “Sorry, Sungie, you got yourself into this one.” 

“If you need us, we’ll be on the fucking roof.” Changbin grunted, starting to walk toward the door as Jisung fake sobbed at the top of his lungs. 

“Stay in here, Changbin.” Chan said. 

“Okay, hyung.” 

Felix smiled at how quickly Changbin obeyed Chan. He threw Jisung down onto the floor, giving him a smack with a pillow for good measure, then sat back down on the couch, arms folded in front of him, looking as stern and menacing as usual. Felix noticed how sharp his jawline was. And his haircut looked really good on him. Felix was amazed. And— 

“Who wants to watch a movie?” Jeongin asked. 

“I’m going to bed. My head is killing me.” Minho said, standing up. Felix noticed the older boy’s hands were shaking. He looked unwell. 

“Goodnight, Minho.” Chan said, kindly. 

Minho hummed in response as he left. 

“I should get some extra work done.” Jamie said. “But you guys should hang out some more. It’s not that late and Felix definitely needs some cheering up.” 

She stood up and walked over to Felix, ruffling his hair and saying, “I know you’re scared now, but it’ll get better. I promise. It was nice meeting you and I’m so glad you’re here.” 

Felix nodded, and he could see why she and Chan seemed to be such good friends. He knew why they were both in higher positions at the Headquarters. They were strong and confident and kind. 

“Thank you.” he mumbled, shyly. 

“Cute.” commented Hyunjin. 

The lights were dimmed and a movie was put on. Felix was surprised that an organization of agents and spies spent a Friday night watching _Ratatouille_ (with all of Changbin’s comments on how Jisung looked like the “little dirty rat” from the movie). Around halfway though, Felix looked down at Jisung’s arm and saw something unusual on the inside of his forearm. It looked like some sort of scar, only it was shaped like a number. 

_526_

Why had a number been branded onto Jisung’s arm? 

Felix found himself looking at Jisung, studying him intensely, suddenly overwhelmed with fear. He was scared of the outside world. Something had happened to him. He was so afraid. The world was growing dim around Felix. Everything was spinning. He— 

“Felix, are you doing okay, buddy?” Chan asked, keeping his voice quiet. Felix blinked and looked up at him, realizing that the entire room was focused on him and the movie was paused. Felix was leaning limply against his brother, feeling as though his body weighed a ton.

“His eyes were purple.” Jisung said, timidly. 

Felix silently reached out for Jisung’s arm and gently grasped his fingers around it, running his thumb over the scars. Jisung tensed up. 

“What happened?” Felix whispered, still feeling disconnected from reality, eyes glued to the boy’s arm. 

“Let go of him.” Changbin snapped, pulling Jisung away from Felix, protectively. 

“No, it’s o-okay.” Jisung said. His hands were shaking. “I was… I was a hostage at Seunghyun’s academy for a while. It’s my number. We… We didn’t really have names there.” 

Felix looked into Jisung’s eyes, suddenly feeling all of the boy’s pain. It seeped into his veins and filled his eyes with tears (like he hadn’t already cried enough for the day). Everything grew clearer as he started to understand what had just happened. 

“I’m sorry,” Felix said to Jisung, bowing deeply. “ _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry_. I don’t know what happened.” 

“It’s okay, Felix.” Jisung said, brushing the boy’s tears away with his thumbs. 

“What happened?” Hyunjin asked. 

“I felt…” Felix wasn’t sure how to explain it. “I don’t know…” 

“This has happened before.” Chan said. “There was one time, when he was younger, Nayeon was upset about making the decision to send me to Headquarters, and Felix heard her. His eyes turned purple and he cried for hours. He seems to dissociate when his eyes turn purple, so I think it might have something to do with his gift. I don’t know what it is, though.” 

Felix felt his eyes grow heavy as he leaned against Chan. 

“I think he needs to go to bed.” Jisung said. “I can take him. Come on, Felix.” 

Jisung stood up, grabbing onto Felix’s hands and pulling him up into a wobbly standing position. As they were walking out, Jeongin said something about Jisung never trusting anyone as quickly as he seemed to trust Felix. Felix was too out of it to think much of it. 

“I’m not mad at you.” Jisung said. “We’ve all been through a lot, and we all can relate to each other that way. I know you… I know you lost your field agent today.” 

Jisung took Felix into a bedroom that had two beds and a desk with a giant computer system. Seungmin was sitting at the desk, glaring at the blue light of the screen. 

“I thought you went to bed.” Jisung said to Seungmin in a voice far colder than the one he used to address Felix. 

Seungmin flipped him off. 

“Don’t be rude to Felix.” 

The next thing Felix knew, he was laying down on a bed and his eyes were closing as he felt someone pull his shoes off his feet and tuck him in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "To Be Loved" by Askjell & Aurora.


	4. "i was nothing but a pathway for the person known as me"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! This chapter doesn't have anything big happen, but it gives some useful information about a few of the characters. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy! <3

Felix had been in pain on the day he was born, and he would continue to be in pain until his death. 

Maybe even later, the afterlife would find some cruel way to cause him anguish. 

He never processed the sensation as pain, though, because it never revolved around himself. 

When he was six years old, Chan had taken him to the convenience store with him, and they passed by a homeless man. The man was sitting on the dirty ground, his right leg injured. He was emaciated with a long beard and eyes that seemed so lifeless, so sad. 

“Hyung?” Felix had whispered, pulling on the hem of his brother’s shirt. “Can we give him food?” 

“I don’t have the money for it.” Chan had said. “Aunt Nayeon only gave me the money for two ice cream bars.” 

“Oh, okay…” 

As they were checking out, however, Felix started to feel a strange sensation that took over his small body. His stomach felt like an endless pit of acidity. He felt so weak, so tired. His leg hurt. All he could think about was that poor man outside. As Chan was paying, Felix snatched up his ice cream bar and tore out of the shop, the door swinging behind him. He ran over to the man, holding out the ice cream, eyes wide. He started to feel woozy and distant. 

“Is that for me?” the man asked, quietly, as if he hadn’t believed a single person would help him. Felix nodded, insistently, and the man took it, looking into Felix’s eyes with an expression of amazement on his face. His wrinkles were loosening themselves. Some of the sadness and burden vanished from his eyes. He no longer looked to be in pain. 

“Felix, what are you doing?” Chan exclaimed. “You didn’t tell me where you were going!” 

“This boy,” the man said to Chan, pointing at the six-year-old. “This boy is an angel. I felt as if God had taken the form of a little child and washed away all of my fears. This boy is a miracle.” 

Chan’s face grew tense and concerned, and he picked Felix up, starting to carry him away. On television, Felix learned that doing good for others was supposed to bring happiness to yourself. Felix’s leg hurt a lot, though, and he felt so weak. All he could do was lean his head on Chan’s shoulder and stare at the buildings they passed, passively. 

He felt _pain_. 

But, in a strange sense, the pain was meaningful, and he was glad he felt it. 

* * * * *

Felix woke up at four o’clock with a racing heart, a shaking body, and a throbbing head. 

It took him a few seconds to realize where he was and what had happened. His heart sped up even more, making it difficult for him to breathe. He sat up, holding his chest and gasping for air. Seungmin was in his bed, sleeping. Something about Felix’s roommate seemed even more robotic than Nayeon had been. He was lying flat on his back, arms straight at his side, face stern and focused, even in sleep. Felix probably would have been concerned he was an actual robot if he hadn’t been able to hear the sound of the boy breathing. 

Felix started to wonder what was real in the world. 

All he knew in that moment was that everything hurt and he was so confused. 

Maybe he cried too much, but he couldn’t help it. His emotions weren’t obeying his orders. He had just found out that his life as he had known it all his life was a lie. Nayeon was _dead_. 

It made him wonder if every single person in the world was lying to him—if he was making excuses for people who saw him as an experiment that can be manipulated and used for the sake of science. He definitely didn’t feel any better looking over at Seungmin, who, even in his sleep, seemed to be dreaming bitterly. 

He needed to get away from them. It hurt to be around them. It made his heart ache with a now pointless guilt that didn’t want to leave. His stomach churned and he broke out into a cold sweat. 

He tripped out into the hallway, and then he felt guilty for ever questioning the intentions of the people around him. Questioning his dead guardian and his long-lost brother and all of the people he had just met. He could see their brains in his head and feel their hearts in his chest. He felt like his veins were going to explode. 

He couldn’t make it two steps until his legs gave out and he curled himself in a ball on the floor of the hallway, shaking, crying, in _pain_. Why did everything have to hurt all the time? Why couldn’t he ever get a second of relief? 

“Felix?” whispered a voice that was not Chan’s. “Hey, are you okay? What happened?” 

The voice was gentle. The person crouched beside him, placing a gentle and hesitant hand on his shoulder. He flinched at the initial contact, but quickly relaxed into it, feeling slightly grounded. 

“H-hurts…” he stuttered out, eyes squeezed shut and face distorted. 

“What hurts?” the person asked. 

Felix choked on a sob before saying, “E-everything.” His voice barely worked. He was shaking so violently that he could barely form words. He even felt as though his lungs trembled as he inhaled and exhaled. 

“Let’s go somewhere more comfortable.” 

The next thing Felix knew, he was being lifted off the ground and carried into the community room, where he was laid down on one of the couches. Felix tried to breathe as the person stroked his arm in a comforting pattern. After a minute or two, he slowly opened his eyes to see Hyunjin kneeling over him, face innocent and concerned. His eyes were wide. He was probably the most aesthetically beautiful person Felix had ever seen, even with bedhead. Felix blinked, tears still streaming from his eyes, and his jaw trembled. 

“Are you feeling better?” Hyunjin asked, eyebrows furrowed in worry. 

“I j-just…” Felix croaked out. “I n-needed to g-get away f-from p-p-people.”

“That’s okay. Do you need me to do anything?” 

Felix felt something warm coming from Hyunjin. Something about him seemed innocent and calm, despite the worry he clearly felt regarding the situation. He reminded Felix of the guys at school. He gave off that sort of aura. It was calming. It was mundane and inexperienced and casual. 

“C-can you s-sit with m-me for a few m-minutes?” Felix whispered. Hyunjin didn’t give off the stressed, bitter, traumatized energy that the others did. 

“Yeah, can you sit up?” 

Felix reached his arms forward for Hyunjin to pull him into a sitting position before plopping down beside him. Felix didn’t really know Hyunjin, but he leaned on him, savoring the warmth and relief. School days, friendships, dating, quizzes, lunchboxes, nightmares, visions, seeing the future flash before his eyes, deja vu… But even the bad parts were mixed with warm that washed them away. They didn’t haunt him. They didn’t hurt him. 

“I’m sorry about Changbin-hyung.” Hyunjin said in a quiet voice. “I know he’s… He’s blunt and he’s cynical and he’s pretty scary sometimes. He doesn’t like to make people think he cares, even though he cares a lot. We’re all so used to him, especially Chan-hyung, that I think we might have been a little callous toward you to begin with. I’m sorry about that.” 

“It’s okay.” Felix said. “I guess things are pretty hard right now. I’m just confused.” 

“I get it. I was, too, when I first came. Minho-hyung and I got ripped out of the hands of a couple District 9 workers’ hands. Back then, Chan-hyung hadn’t come to the Headquarters yet. It was just Seungmin and Jamie-noona. Chan-hyung came, and then Jeongin, and then Changbin-hyung, and then Jisung. I was scared of Changbin-hyung, too. He… I won’t tell you the details because it’s not my story to tell, but he had a really rough past. Like, _really_ rough. Rough enough that Jisung feels privileged next to him. So he has a really hard time trusting people. The only way he could survive back then was by being tough, and that’s just his defense mechanism, I guess. At first I wondered why Chan-hyung and Jisung were so protective of him, and then I realized that he’s always scared. He’s always on edge. I couldn’t imagine living like that.

“Changbin-hyung’s also fiercely protective of Jisung, so that’s why he snapped at you last night. Don’t take it to heart, we all know it wasn’t your fault. It’s just… They went through things together, and he sees Jisung as his little brother. He protects Jisung like Chan-hyung probably protects you.” 

They were silent for a few minutes and Felix soaked himself in Hyunjin’s relaxation. 

“Seungmin seems stressed.” Felix whispered. “Even when he was sleeping he looked like he was thinking super hard. He seems like he thinks nobody understands him. Like he needs a friend.” 

“Good luck trying. Seungmin’s complicated. When he was a kid, he was hunted down by District 9. They went into his house and murdered his parents. He managed to hide really well, and they didn’t find him. Yongsun sajangnim adopted him right after that, and he’s always thought she did it out of pity. He always thought that he was just in the way, and that nobody really wanted him around. He’s really hard to get to.

“And he’s a perfectionist. He has these routines for everything he’s going to do in a day and he has to follow it or he gets stressed out. He’s just really logical, even when logic isn’t going to solve a problem. He thinks that if he writes out advanced calculus and programs a computer, that’s going to take away his loneliness and jealousy. It doesn’t though.” 

“Why was Jisung being so… Unsympathetic… Toward him?” 

“Seungmin used to pick on him. He used to treat him like shit and make him cry. Which was fucked up, because when Jisung got here he was just a little kid that had been raised his whole life in District 9 and he was traumatized. Changbin-hyung told Seungmin that nobody wants him around and that he’s a waste of space, and that shut him up. He doesn’t really talk to any of us anymore. He talks to Jamie-noona sometimes, and he at least listens to Chan-hyung because he’s _Chan-hyung_ , but he just ignores the rest of us.” 

“Hyunjin…” Felix said. “What’s Chan-hyung like?” His voice was sad. All he could think about was the fact that Chan had lived and grown and become so renowned without him. All while Felix was alone. 

“He really, really loves you, if that’s what you’re worried about. When he rescued Jisung, he said he just couldn’t leave him in there because he reminded him so much of you. He kept talking to Nayeon, asking about you, asking her if there was any chance she could just tell you he was okay and he missed you. Sometimes he would be up late at night crying, and he would say that he was just thinking about you and how much he would give to see you and know what you were doing and who you had become. He was looking forward to the day he would see you again and bring you to Headquarters. He would fantasize about it and stuff.” 

“Do you think he’s disappointed in me?” 

“Of course not. I can promise you that all of us love you, and we barely even know you. You’re just so cute and likeable. You walked in and we all wanted to squish your cheeks! You may not know it, because I hear you lived an isolated upbringing, but you actually glow. Your eyes glow. They’re brown now and they’re glowing. They just glow all the time. Like an angel.” 

It was the second time someone had referred to Felix as an angel. It made him wonder if he was a good person or if it had always just been his eyes, sucking people in before showing them that he was weak and powerless on the inside. Nothing like Chan. Nothing like Nayeon. 

If he was just as Nayeon wanted him to be, did that mean that he was destined to feel like this? Destined to feel like nothing? 

Ever since Felix was old enough to form long-term memories, he had always been a people-pleaser. The only person he could never please, however, was himself. 

“Why don’t you sleep here on the couch? You look tired, and I’ll stay here and make sure you’re safe.” Hyunjin said. 

Felix was going to protest, before he realized that he was having trouble balancing his head and keeping his eyes open. He silently nodded before curling up on the couch, head leaning on the armrest, and closing his eyes. The world quickly disappeared. 

He dreamed about Nayeon; hugging him, ignoring him, treating him coldly and lovingly as she always did with her rock-hard sofa and the pure, black espresso she drank in the morning. Tapping her nails (always crimson or plum-painted) on the table when she called him in for “a talk”, denying him information when he asked questions, making him feel wanted but so, so small that he wasn’t sure if he was happy or not. 

Dying. 

Nayeon dying. 

Felix opened his eyes to see Jisung sitting in front of him on the floor, eyes staring into his, causing the younger “twin” to jump in startlement. He thought of Jisung’s aura, and his scar, and the way he took care of him the night before and spoke so coldly to Seungmin. He thought of the pain and the cheer and all of the contradicting characteristics that made up the boy, and he felt scared, but also relieved. He didn’t know why. It was just one of those feelings that struck him and pulsed through his veins and left him without his knowledge. 

Thinking back to what Hyunjin had said, Felix wondered if it was because he saw himself in Jisung. 

Their birthdays were only a day apart, if that meant anything. 

“I know how you feel.” Jisung said as the two of them were sitting in the empty hallway that afternoon while Minho was asleep and Chan, Jamie, and Yongsun were in a meeting. “You feel confused and angry and sad because you’ve been lied to your whole life. I understand that, because I went through the same thing.” 

“It must have been worse for you, though. You were at District 9, weren’t you? That must have been torture.” Felix responded, sympathetically. 

“Not necessarily. I was brought in when I was four. I don’t really remember being taken there, and I never resisted. I was too young to understand. I was what they call a Blank Slate. They love Blank Slates there, because they’re the easiest to brainwash. It’s a completely different story for the Experienced kids, who are taken in at an older age. They live through hell. For me, I was just raised by people who didn’t love me and taught to believe that Seunghyun was some sort of deity. They told us about how we would use our gifts to ‘expel the world of the evil inflicted on it by the conventional’. I actually thought he was cool for a while, until I met… Other people there. Experienced kids, who told me about what they were living through. They told me about freedom, and they made me hopeful. When I first got to the Headquarters, it was hard to trust people, but I did it, eventually. I guess I just realized that, regardless of where I was raised, this is the place where I’m loved and taken care of and listened to. This is so much better than District 9. At District 9, I was being controlled and brainwashed and used, but I wasn’t the only one, and when I got out, I realized how lucky I am. There are still so many of my friends who are still in there.” 

“I think Nayeon loved me.” Felix whispered, looking down at his fidgeting hands. 

“Nayeon was Yongsun sajangnim’s favorite of all the field agents. I don’t think it was because she was kind, though. I think it was because she put her duties above everything else. I don’t know if she did it because she wanted to save you guys or because she wanted to stop Seunghyun, but she really cared about _something_. Chan-hyung isn’t like her. He doesn’t see himself as a cog in the system like she did. He saved me because he wanted me out, and he left you because he wanted to give kids who had nothing a chance.” 

Felix nodded, his head spinning. 

“I never learned how to have friends.” he whispered, even more quietly. “But it seems like everyone here already knows how.” 

“That’s okay,” Jisung said, smiling. “We can teach you.” 

Later on in the day, Felix found himself sitting in the hallway again, knees brought to his chest and chin resting on them, feeling lost and uncomfortable. He loved Chan with his entire heart, and he already adored Jisung and Hyunjin, and the others were all unique and interesting in their own ways, but… He didn’t know what it was. When he was around them, it all became too much, and he just needed to get out. He needed to close his eyes and cover his ears, as if a cloud of pain floated from their bodies and seeped into his brain and traveled down his body, sending chills and headaches and exhaustion that he wasn’t supposed to have. 

“Hey, is everything alright?” 

Felix turned his head to see Minho sitting beside him. His voice was soft and nonchalant, as if he thought nothing of the comfort he brought others. He seemed to disdain being viewed as a “softie” like Changbin, but his role as one of the oldest didn’t apply to those rules. He didn’t refuse to care, like Changbin did. 

“Y-yeah…” Felix said. “It’s just… Too much. Being around everyone.” 

“I get it.” Minho said. “My dumb fucking gift really takes it out of me so I’m always looking for peace and quiet.” 

“I think I just get o-overwhelmed, because I’m n-not used to being around people or t-talking to them. And it’s all so n-new…” 

“Maybe you should try to get your mind off of it. Get into the swing of things, you know? Why don’t you and Jamie-noona try to figure out your powers? She’s really good at that. Don’t tell her I admitted this, but she’s actually saved my life a few times. Like one time when I had this migraine where it felt like my head was exploding and then I kept hearing this voice in the back of my mind, so I tried to focus on it and suddenly I was talking to a ghost. She restarted my heart. But, for some reason, she doesn’t appreciate me when I’m alive.” Minho shook his head, clicking his tongue. 

“Do you think she’ll be able to find out what my gift is?” 

“Maybe. Then again, it took a few years for anyone to find out what mine was. Maybe you’ve got a rare gift or something. If you do, then that’s pretty cool. You and Chan-hyung are like ‘The Brothers Rare’. God, that was fucking stupid, don’t remember that, just stand up, I’ll take you to noona’s room.” 

Felix stood up, following Minho down the hallway until he reached a door, which he didn’t bother to knock, throwing it open with full force and smiling at the furious face he was met with. 

“For fuck’s sake, Minho!” Jamie shouted from within the room. “Someday, I’m going to lock you in your room so you never have to come out and annoy the shit out of me again!” 

“If you end up doing that, I’ll just find a way to get out and sneak into your room when you’re sleeping and shave your head.” 

“At least I’d still look better than you.” 

“Fuck you. And I’m not here to argue.” Minho said, sassily, causing Jamie to seethe. “I brought a little friend who wants to discover his gift.” 

Minho grabbed Felix by the arm and yanked him so that he was standing in front of him, looking timid and small like the newby he was. Jamie’s expression immediately softened at the sight of the younger boy. 

“Come on in, Felix.” she said, sweetly, before sending Minho a death glare. “Minho, leave.” 

Minho flipped her off before turning around and walking away. 

“Here, lay down.” Jamie pointed at her bed, which was covered in cream-colored blankets and sheets with a plethora of fluffy throw pillows and stuffed animals. The room was painted a soft pink, and the lights were yellow-tinted, causing the entire space to glow. There were a number of posters and paintings on her walls, all depicting a similar scene of the night sky, full of stars. On the ceiling were glow-in-the-dark stars, like Felix had had in his room as a toddler. It smelled like the vanilla-scented candles that were lit on each piece of furniture. It was so warm and relaxing, much unlike the girl who lived in it, who looked like she could easily snap the necks of her enemies. 

“It’s so n-nice in here…” Felix mumbled, absent-mindedly. 

“Well, I’m supposed to be the gift-whisperer, aren’t I?” Jamie laughed. “It helps for people to be in a relaxing environment when they first try to channel their powers.” 

Jamie pulled her fluffy desk-chair over so that it was beside the bed, which Felix was now lying on (it was so soft and cozy, he never wanted to leave), and took his hand in her own warm one. Her nails were long and painted crimson, like Nayeon’s had been, only the hue was warmer and the color was matte. Felix had never thought such a color could give off such a soft appearance. Maybe it was just the warm colors and the smell of the candles getting into his head. 

Suddenly, Felix realized how much pressure he was under. He was the brother of Chan. He was the brother of the guy who was risking his life every day for a noble cause. He was the brother of the member who had so many useful powers and… Was he useless? Was he— 

“Felix, you know I can read your thoughts, right?” Jamie said in a smooth voice that melted into Felix’s ears like wax. “Here, let me tell you something before we try to channel your gift that’ll make you feel better:

“Channie may seem like he’s the best at everything, like he’s got all his shit figured out and everyone thinks he’s so cool, but he’s pretty normal. When he first got here, he still had trouble channelling his invisibility, and I had to help him. He was frustrated, but he eventually got it. He’s still a dork who makes mistakes, and when I say mistakes I mean _mistakes_. I can promise you that he’s always worrying about something he did or didn’t do or whatever. I bet he’s worried that he left a bad impression on you. Also, the man eats so much. It makes me wonder how he hasn’t turned into a humpty dumpty by now. And why his abs look like a fucking chocolate bar. But, anyway, you’re fine. Just go at your own pace, that’s the best thing you can do. Okay?” 

Felix nodded, and Jamie smiled. 

“Okay, Felix, I need you to close your eyes, and I’m going to start really reading you so that I can see if you have any mental blockage keeping you from being able to channel your powers, and then we’ll try.” 

Felix closed his eyes and then Jamie’s other hand was on his forehead so soft and warm and still that Felix suddenly felt safe. He let himself forget all of his worries. 

“I don’t sense any mental blockage. Nothing preventing you from trying your best. Now, Felix, as I’m reading you, I want you to think about the important moments of your past. They can be good or bad. Just everything that left an impact on you. I want you to think of it all.” 

Felix thought back to his days with Nayeon, holding back the sadness that began to fill his heart. He thought of the days before Chan left, when he was little. He saw pictures of himself falling on the sidewalk and crying, only to be carried home by Chan and bandaged up by Nayeon. Images of laying in his tiny bed at night, crying for no reason and hugging his stuffed puppy to his chest. He thought of the times when he would feel sick for no reason. He thought of the times when the kids at school would bully him and he would feel so powerless because he didn’t want to hurt them, he thought— 

“Felix, can you think of any scary moments, when you were in danger?” Jamie said in almost a whisper. Her voice was so therapeutic. “Think of how you felt and how you reacted. What you did.” 

Felix thought of the times where he felt he was genuinely in danger. He thought of the time he got lost on the way home from school when Chan had soccer practice. How he had wandered around the neighborhood, alone, feeling so lost and so scared, just wanting to be back in Nayeon’s arms. He thought of how he had cried and crouched on the sidewalk, small hands over his face, until someone found him and took him home. He thought of the day in middle school when the mean boy wouldn’t stop hitting him. And how he couldn’t fight back because he didn’t want to hurt him. He just took it all, and then curled up in a bathroom stall, curling himself into a ball and crying because it hurt. He thought of all the fear he experienced on a daily basis, whenever he accidentally made eye contact with someone. Whenever someone asked him a question and he wasn’t able to answer. He thought of the day Chan left, and how sad and scared he’d been. He thought of the day Nayeon died. 

Jamie sighed, pursing her lips in thought. 

“It looks like you don’t have any ability that acts as immediate protection from harm. I like to read people’s childhood memories because a lot of times they think of moments when they were in danger and how they reacted in abnormal ways without thinking they were abnormal. For example, Channie told me that when he was a kid, he was walking alone and he saw someone following him. Instead of hiding or running away, he turned invisible.” 

“Does that m-mean I don’t have anything?” Felix asked, voice wavering. 

“No, of course not. It just means that your gift is advanced enough that it either protects you in very subtle ways, or, in some cases, it doesn’t protect you directly. For me, telepathy doesn’t protect me from anything, it just gives me a tool that I can use to come up with my own strategies to protect myself. Many advanced and rare gifts require a social environment and a culture to be useful. Like, Seungmin’s memory and tech skills would be nothing if he didn’t live in a society that’s so focused on specific knowledge and technology. They develop as times change, and your gift may be so rare that it’s new, or it may just be hard to pinpoint, and that’s okay. It just means we have a little more work to do. 

“For now, I want you to relax a little. I read that you’re stressed being around so many people in the community room.” 

Felix was starting to wonder if Jamie was reading everyone’s minds all the time. 

“No,” Jamie said, causing Felix to startle. “I can only read at will. When I’m not actively concentrating on them, with my hand on their forehead and my eyes closed, I can only hear their verbal thoughts. When I’m concentrating, I can see images and clips. But if I don’t want to read someone’s mind, I’m not going to get any messages from them.” 

“Noona…” Felix whispered in a meek voice. He hesitated. “Hyunjin said that you were one of the first people here. I know Seungmin’s Yongsun sajangnim’s nephew, but how did you get here?” 

Jamie bit her lip, growing more tense, and Felix sensed it. He was about to tell her she didn’t have to answer the question, when she started to speak. 

“I had a similar upbringing to yours. Me and my brother were adopted by a field agent and raised. However, there’s a small percentage of field agents who can’t hide their kids well enough. For you, when the goons from District 9 came and snatched up Nayeon, you weren’t home, and she planned it to be that way. For me, we weren’t so lucky. 

“They immediately killed our field agent, and me and my older brother, Jae, were just stuck there, watching as they flooded into the house. They were coming for us, so we ran. Jae-oppa made me run in front because I was small and he already knew his powers. He tried to fight them, but they retaliated and he got shot. I was trying to pull his arm, to get him out, but he was bleeding so much… He told me to just run and leave him. I didn’t want to leave him, but… Then he died. So I ran, and I ran and ran, and then I hid out for a few days before Yongsun sajangnim rescued me. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know where I’d be. She treats me like her own daughter.” 

Jamie’s breathing grew shaky as tears formed in her eyes, and Felix was suddenly washed with panic and sadness. Being a young child, watching her brother and her field agent die right before her eyes. Running for her life. Feeling alone and scared. Being taken to a place she was entirely unfamiliar with. It was so much. It hurt so much. 

Felix started sobbing. 

“I’m sorry, noona…” Felix choked out. Jamie looked shocked, eyes growing wide, and she wiped her tears away, enveloping Felix in a tight hug. His tears were getting into her hair, but she didn’t seem to mind at all. 

“Hey, Felix. Hey, hey, shhh… It’s okay. It was a long, long time ago. That was almost fifteen years ago. I’ve gotten so much better since then. I’m fine now. Okay? You don’t need to be so sad for me.” she said, rubbing his back. 

It took a long time for the tears to stop and the aching in his chest to numb. When he pulled back, his body felt heavy and weak, and his head felt as if it was full of cotton. His skin started to ache. He just wanted to lay down. Jamie felt his cheeks and forehead, a look of concern growing on her face. 

“You have a fever, Felix.” she said. “Why don’t you go lay down and rest for a little while, and then we can check if your fever went down?” 

Felix nodded, and Jamie helped him stand up. From there, he walked out of the room, feeling loopy, like the world wasn’t really there. He walked to his room, but when he put his hand on the knob, he felt as if he were being shocked. It was Seungmin. All of his bitterness and loneliness trapped in a box, smashed into Felix’s face, sending electricity through his bones and leaving him shaking. 

He couldn’t go in there. 

So he trudged back to the community room, where he saw Chan. His older brother looked up at him, concern etched in his eyes. 

“Are you okay, buddy?” Chan asked in a soft voice as Felix sat down beside him and slumped into him, drowsily. A cold hand was suddenly touching his forehead. 

“He’s burning up.” Minho’s voice said. Felix just wanted to sleep. 

“Here, Lixie, put your head on my lap and go to sleep. You look exhausted.” Chan said, straightening his legs out and patting his lap. Felix silently obeyed, closing his eyes. 

He fell asleep to the sound of faint voices that echoed with quiet concern.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami


	5. "i've been falling apart these days, split open, watching my heart go round and around, circle the drain, i'm coming down"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter may be full of random little hints at many secrets involving many characters (the "not-so-nice" characters this time, hehe). Sometimes I wonder if my hints are too obvious, but a good amount of prediction is always fun lol. Also, the beginning has babies because they're cute. 
> 
> TW for mention of PTSD symptoms.

“They’re in here, Nayeon.” 

It was early 2001 and Yongsun was walking through headquarters with her best friend at her side. Nayeon had been the one to push Yongsun to lead the group. Out of admiration and guilt, Yongsun had begged Nayeon to take a higher position, possibly away from danger, or at least more recognized by the group for her talents and sacrifices, but Nayeon refused each and every time. She desired no fame or recognition, regardless of whether she deserved it or not. 

“Thank you for taking care of them while I was getting everything settled. It means a lot that you would do that for me, you’re not a babysitter.” Nayeon said, smiling slightly. 

“I wasn’t going to send them out in the open so early, you know that, Nayeon. Our goal is to protect them, and leaving them in an insecure house would be a bad decision on my part.” Yongsun said. 

The two women were the sun and the moon. Yongsun, with her long, flowing, blonde hair and colorfully-patterned maxi skirts that swished around her slim ankles delicately and beautifully, like water. Nayeon, looking as bland and unassuming as she could possibly make herself. Even after their years of friendship, drawing back to their high school days, Yongsun wasn’t sure what Nayeon wanted to be. She wasn’t sure who her friend truly was. She was determined and passionate and caring, though, and that was what mattered most to the organization, and the little boys, and to  _ her _ . 

They stepped into the room that had been declared the “nursery”. The lights were dim and the space was filled with the sound of sleeping breaths. Nayeon immediately walked over to the crib, looking down at the sleeping baby, who was wearing an adorable pair of footie pajamas covered in little teddy bears. His chubby hands were clenched into loose fists. He was so cute that Yongsun hadn’t minded watching him. 

“Chan…” Nayeon whispered, kneeling down beside the couch where the three-year-old was cuddled up, sucking on his thumb (nasty habit that Nayeon hated but Yongsun thought was adorable). She petted the toddler’s curly hair until he flinched slightly and his eyes opened. 

“Auntie…” Chan said in a tiny voice that was rough from sleep. He reached his arms out and Nayeon picked him on, he leaned his head on her shoulder, closing his eyes again. 

“There’s something I need to tell you before you take them,” Yongsun said, lifting Felix out of his crib and cradling the baby in her arms. “I think Channie is going to be a lot more powerful in the next few years. He’s already showing signs. He’s incredibly mature for his age. We’re going to need him back here sooner. When he first discovers his gifts he needs to be here. We’ll need him. He turned invisible once, when he was playing hide and seek with Jae and Jamie.” 

“He’s three and he’s already showing signs of a rare gift. That’s impressive.” Nayeon said, smiling. “I’ll need to raise them differently, won’t I? To make sure their needs are met. Felix is only a baby, but his eyes turn purple when he looks at someone in the eyes for a while.” 

“I’ve done so much research on what that could mean, and nothing’s certain. There are so many gifts that change the appearance of the eyes, but none of them include a change in color. His eyes don’t turn blank or black. His irises don’t disappear. It could be a new gift. I have a feeling he’ll be just about as powerful as Channie, just in different ways. Felix needs to be hidden, because his eyes are very dangerous for him. He can’t know his eyes change color, and nobody else can. If it gets out, he could get kidnapped. You can be more lenient with Channie, but I think it’s a good idea to warm him up to the idea of having powers, rather than hiding it from him. He needs to know that he can’t use his gifts to show off to other kids, and he needs to keep them hidden.” 

Nayeon sighed. 

“I’ll do whatever it takes to keep them safe. I know they’re not my kids and I’m just a field agent, but… They’re my responsibility, and I love them.” 

“I love them, too, but you know me. I can’t lay my eyes on a child without loving them.” Yongsun kissed Felix’s chubby cheek, lovingly. “Here, I’ll change this one’s diaper and we can take them out to the car.” 

* * * * *

A week had passed since Felix first came to the Headquarters. 

His fever went away, Chan went back to District 9, and Felix continued to feel as though he were walking on eggshells around Seungmin. He grew closer and closer to just about everyone but his roommate and Changbin, who never seemed to want to be near anyone. At one point, he had stepped into the community room as Jeongin was starting to play music on the radio, and his face grew pale. He covered his ears, nearly falling over as if he had been hit.

“I’m so sorry, hyung, I didn’t know you would be coming in!” Jeongin had exclaimed, turning it off immediately. 

Changbin had started shaking again, like he had on the day he rescued Felix. He crouched on the floor for a few seconds, clutching his stomach and seemingly struggling to breathe, before he stood up, wobbly, and left the room. 

“Is he okay?” Felix had whispered to Jisung, who he was sitting beside. 

“He’ll be okay. Just don’t talk to him for a while. He gets kind of … stressed … when stuff like this happens. I shouldn’t explain it to you without his permission, though. It’s just his trauma.” 

Felix continued to realize more about Changbin during the span of that week. He realized that Changbin refused to eat alone, and that he couldn’t eat rice. Rice was a staple, but he couldn’t eat it. He even looked visibly disturbed at the sight of it, causing whoever made it to always keep it in a lidded pot with a label. Also, the older boy, despite his confrontational demeanor, hated being confronted, himself. The minute someone looked at him sharply or raised their voice, he flinched, as if he were expecting to be physically harmed. Nobody but Chan or Jisung was allowed to touch him without his permission (even just a tap on the shoulder), nobody was allowed to ask him if he was okay, nobody was allowed to look him in the eyes for longer than a few seconds, nobody was allowed to turn the lights off when he was in the room unless a door was open or a light was still on. Changbin was  _ afraid of the dark _ . The more time Felix spent around Changbin, the more he realized that Hyunjin had been right. He was always on edge. 

It made Felix wonder about him. Watch him when he wasn’t looking, thinking about the intricacies of his personality that he tried to hide. Changbin hated the fact that he had the capacity to love, so he pretended he didn’t. He was trying to protect himself. He had lost something long ago, and he was afraid of losing it again. What was it he had lost? 

It was a sense of security. 

A sense of normalcy. 

A sense of belonging. 

Had they all lost those things? Maybe not Jisung, who had gained such in his escape from District 9. Minho and Hyunjin seemed to be pretty accustomed to their environment, even if it wasn’t “normal”, because they had a family and a group of people who understood their gifts. 

The Headquarters was a sauna full of hurt, but it was full of small sparks of things Felix had never been truly connected to before. Friendship, understanding, open-mindedness. He never thought a person would view his personality in a way that wasn’t critical or controlling. Sure, Chan had been loving and appreciative of him, regardless of what he did, but Chan hadn’t been around for several years. He hadn’t been around when Felix was struggling through middle school, having no idea what his identity was. Felix still didn’t know who he was, other than the fact that he was quiet and anxious and his eyes turned purple sometimes. 

“Felix,” said a low, gruff voice. 

Felix was eating lunch in the community room, sitting at the table. Nobody else was there (probably because most people ate before two in the afternoon). He was eating that same shitty peanut butter sandwich because it was the only thing keeping him sane (sometimes it was nice to pretend you were seven again). He looked up to see the short, black-haired agent, whose face was permanently rested in an expression that seemed to say “I don’t give a fuck about you”. 

“H-hyung? Hi,” Felix said, quietly. 

Changbin sat down. 

“This isn’t an apology, because I don’t fucking apologize for anything, but… I guess I shouldn’t have been so harsh on you. And I shouldn’t have been ignoring you all this time. That was kinda shitty of me. The only reason I’m saying this is because you’re Chan-hyung’s little brother and I trust him with my life.” 

Felix smiled at the older guy, who was staring blankly, verging on frustratedly, into space. 

“I don’t blame you for ignoring me.” Felix responded. “I’m pretty quiet. At school, everyone always said I was a nobody. They said I had no personality and that’s why I didn’t have friends.” 

“Kids at school are dicks.” 

“Do you want me to think you’re cool? Or should I be afraid of you?” 

Changbin looked at him with a confused grimace on his face, saying, “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” 

“I just want you to feel comfortable.” 

Changbin’s expression morphed into something less defensive, seeming almost concerned (but he would never admit it). 

“Nayeon programmed you to be like this, didn’t she? She programmed you to think you’re just some sort of tool that’s supposed to be what people want. Your safety doesn’t depend on your personality anymore, Felix. You can act however you want.” 

Felix didn’t tell Changbin that he’d truly been thinking about the older boy’s comfort zone. He truly had been trying to decide how to make him feel less on edge. But maybe he also didn’t want to be a burden. Maybe he just wanted to… Blend in. Like camouflage, with the sole purpose of bringing normalcy to others. It probably wasn’t healthy, but it was all he could do. 

“I just don’t want to get in the way.” Felix mumbled. 

“You’re not in the way.” There was something burning in Changbin’s eyes that made Felix think that it was one of the kindest statements he had ever told anybody. “I should probably… Thanks… For hanging out with Jisung. He just seems really happy. He hasn’t… He hasn’t had a panic attack since you came here.” 

Felix smiled brightly, unable to hold it back. He looked at Changbin and felt something floating in his heart. He wasn’t sure if it was because Changbin had thanked him, or because Changbin seemed to care so deeply about Jisung. It was probably both. For the second time, Felix looked at Changbin and thought he was almost adorable. It made him wonder what his personality would have been like if he’d been dealt a better hand in life. 

Changbin was trying to hide, but he was also trying to feel better. He was trying to get to a place where he didn’t feel like hiding anymore, but he was scared to let down his walls. He was scared of trusting people. 

“Your eyes are purple again.” Changbin said. Felix blinked, sliding back into reality. “Oh, they just turned back to brown.”

“Oh, sorry…” Felix muttered, sheepishly. 

“What happens when they change color? What do you feel?” 

Felix shrugged, saying, “I just zone out. Nothing happens.” 

“That’s weird.” 

When Chan returned that Saturday morning, he wasn’t alone. Walking with him was a short-haired girl with stern eyes and a bloody bandage wrapped around her shin. She was wearing a gray t-shirt with matching shorts—the outfit resembling a prison uniform more than an actual choice of style. Felix looked at her arm. She had the same scar Jisung had, only with different numbers. 

“You really got her!” Yongsun exclaimed, running over to hug the girl. She pulled back, cupping the girl’s face. “Ryujin, are you okay?” 

The girl nodded, saying in a surprisingly confident voice for her small size, “Yes, ma’am. They didn’t stand a chance.” 

Chan laughed and said, “I can affirm that Ryujin was probably the least terrified when her tracker was being dug out of her leg by an invisible person and she was suddenly being dragged out of that hell hole.” 

“That does look like a pretty bad cut on your leg,” Yongsun said, looking down at the bloody bandages. “Here, come into my office and we’ll get you cleaned up, and then you can change into something less… appalling… and relax some.” 

When Chan saw Felix, he immediately enveloped the smaller boy into a tight hug. 

“Did you save her?” Felix asked, pointing at the door to Yongsun’s office. 

“Yeah, but it wasn’t all me.” Chan replied. “Seungmin hacked into the security system yet again. Even after all the advancements they made over the years.” 

They walked into the community room. 

“Ryujin’s here, guys.” Chan said to the group, who immediately (aside from Seungmin), shot out of their seats and ran out into the hallway. “She used to live here. She was always tough, and she wanted adventure. When she was ten, she left Headquarters on her own and she got kidnapped. But she knew Jisung at District 9, and she’s pretty close with Changbin.” 

Ryujin was cool. She was Jeongin’s age, though she acted older (probably because of everything she’d been through). She’d been an Experienced hostage at District 9, and she suffered a lot there, but she was a good actor, so she did a good job at avoiding punishment and pretending to be brainwashed. She got along well with everyone, considering she knew them all beforehand. She looked as though she were returning home. 

“What’s your gift?” Felix asked her, softly, once he decided the room was quiet enough for his voice not to be completely drowned out and ignored. 

“I’m a Healer.” she said. “That’s why I was brought here when I was so young. Healers are really important, and they also need to be kept super safe because when we run out of Healers, more people die. I can heal wounds in a few minutes that would take several surgeries to fix. I can save someone’s life—start their heart—without CPR. It’s really useful, especially for people in the Caseworkers, who put their lives on the line.” 

Changbin was quiet the entire time. He looked pensive, almost upset. That night, Felix was laying in bed when he heard the patter of footsteps and the sound of crying. The bathroom was through the wall from his and Seungmin’s room. There were two voices. 

And Changbin was crying. 

_ “You don’t have to feel guilty, Bin…” _ Chan’s muffled voice said.  _ “She could handle it and you couldn’t. That’s not your fault. You were hurting so much, and you barely knew anything else. You needed relief.”  _

_ “I failed, hyung…” _ was all Felix could understand of Changbin’s voice that was muffled with wet sobs. 

_ “No, you didn’t. You didn’t fail at anything. You need to stop acting like you’re such a burden on everybody. You act like you don’t deserve anything, and that’s not true at all. You don’t have to push everyone away so much. You’re safe.”  _

Felix felt his chest clench and twist at the sound of Changbin’s sobs. He sounded so weak and desperate. He sounded nothing like the Changbin that had plucked Felix out of his destroyed home and explained everything about everything to him before reuniting him with his long lost brother. 

_ “It’s just…” _ Changbin could barely speak.  _ “It’s just so much sometimes that I can’t handle it.”  _

_ “That’s okay. That’s perfectly fine, Bin. There’s nothing wrong with that. I just want you to be okay. I want what’s best for you. Me and Sungie aren’t the only people in the world you can trust, you know? I promise you that.”  _

Felix continued to hear the soft sounds of Chan saying “it’s gonna be okay” over and over again. It made tears pool in Felix’s eyes and spill down the sides of his face, because that voice had once consoled  _ him _ late at night. Back when they were kids. It made Felix wish Chan would say that to him again, just for old time’s sake. 

_ “It’ll be okay, Lixie… I love you.”  _

Seungmin seemed more tense than before. As time passed, he grew more irritable, and he slept less. He tossed and turned in his bed, and then he sat up and furiously typed into his phone (Seungmin was the only member allowed to own a cell phone because he knew how to always prevent it from being tracked by District 9). Every time Felix attempted to start a conversation with him, he turned him down, saying he was busy or wasn’t in the mood. It made Felix extremely worried. 

Sometimes Felix would sit in the room with him, not speaking, barely moving, only staring at the ceiling and trying to comprehend how Seungmin must have been feeling. He pushed everyone away, so they didn’t bother, but that made him feel worse, didn’t it? He thought he wanted to be alone, but he was just growing more and more depressed as time passed. 

“Will you just stop it?” Seungmin snapped at Felix one day when Felix was lying on his bed and thinking about Seungmin. “It’s already hard enough having to share a room with you, just get out of my hair, I know you don’t even like it in here.” 

Felix blinked, eyes growing wide, saying, “I’m sorry, Seungmin. I just figured you would want some company. Just someone to be there, who wouldn’t bother you.” 

“Why are you always like this? You act like the most perfect little angel and then everyone loves you and suddenly I’m the bad guy! It’s ridiculous! Just stop being so fake!” 

Felix’s eyes filled with tears and he shuffled out of the room. Had Seungmin hurt his feelings? Was that why he was upset? Or was it because he could feel every ounce of Seungmin’s jealousy. How the boy felt so isolated and neglected. How he knew everyone had given up on him. How he was known as the “bad guy”. 

Felix tried to get over it, but the feelings wouldn’t go away. They just grew more and more powerful until he couldn’t think about anything else. He could barely speak, he couldn’t concentrate on anything, he was so tired. He decided to go to bed early because his head was starting to really hurt, but when he opened the door, Seungmin seemed worse. He was crying and pulling at his hair as he stared at his computer screen with bloodshot eyes. His breaths were shaky. 

“Seungmin…” Felix whispered. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” 

Seungmin stood up, staring daggers at Felix, fists clenched and shaking with rage. Everything about him was either so pale and dim that it was almost nonexistent or so red and hot that it was threatening to explode. There was only all or nothing when it came to Seungmin, the perfectionist. 

“Just leave me alone!” he shouted, tears spilling down his cheeks. “Get out! Stop being like this! I  _ hate _ it!” 

Felix was starting to feel dizzy. 

“Seungmin, take a—” his own words were breathless and weak. His skin grew numb and the edges of his vision began to darken. 

“Stop getting all up in my business! You’re so annoying! All you like to do is rub it in my face that I’m mean and angry and pathetic! You can’t change me, I’ve always been like this! It has nothing to do with you—” 

Seungmin continued to shout harsh words, but Felix could only hear a muffle of noises that made his head throb. He felt like he was going to throw up. The world around him spun. His head was light and his knees grew weak. Black spots grew and grew in front of his eyes, and then he must have fallen, because the next thing he knew he was on the floor, staring up at the dark, blurry world around him, seeing Seungmin’s face hovering over him, hearing random shouts (or what must have been shouts) from the hallway. 

And everything faded away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Circle the Drain" by Soccer Mommy.


	6. "i wonder when i should begin to let it go, i feel like i'm dwelling in the past"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter talks about some sensitive topics. Basically, we get to know Changbin a little better. 
> 
> TW for mention of past torture. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy! <33

There was a powerful agent, preparing to risk his life for the sake of the greater good. 

But there was also a fifteen-year-old boy, smaller than he had previously thought himself to be, and so unsure of himself. 

When Chan stepped into that car, he knew exactly what he was getting into, but within those first few seconds, he learned another crucial piece of information: that he really  _ didn’t _ know what he was getting into, and he never would, until it was over. It was a world he had been told of, that he had studied, but he couldn’t help but feel like a lost child, a pit of sadness sitting in his chest. 

Chan was fifteen, but he was supposed to be an adult. 

He had thought he was ready, but now… All he could seem to think about was the fact that he wanted to be back with Nayeon, eating soup on cold nights, sitting on her awfully hard sofa with Felix at his side, pretending he couldn’t feel the spark of magic underneath his skin. 

There was magic for Chan, as there had always been, but there had also been routine and beauty and freedom. Innocence. 

The world he was entering would only contain magic and obligation. 

On the first night, he cried for hours because he wanted to go home. He felt like a pathetic child, but he couldn’t help it because he wasn’t ready for this. He was too young. He craved familiarity again, so much that he dreamed of it after he fell asleep with wet eyes and a throbbing head. Every night he dreamed of it. 

Even when Chan got to know Jamie, Seungmin, Minho, and Hyunjin, he still missed something that he couldn’t quite put his finger on, and he felt awfully guilty about it. The people he lived with had lost everything, and here he was, crying because he wanted to go back to the home he had. Despite the fact that he’d always been sceptical about whether Nayeon actually loved him or not. 

_ “Chan you’re so important. The world needs you, and you need to be prepared to help.” _

_ “Always do your best, because we need everything you can give.” _

Chan had been jealous of Felix at one point in time, when he’d asked Nayeon why she put so much pressure on him instead of his younger brother. He had been hoping for an answer such as, “he’s too young”, but he got something far different and far more harsh, far more painful. 

_ “Felix is a gem. He’s delicate and beautiful, and he needs to be protected. You, Chan, are a weapon. What’s your purpose if you don’t go out and fight?”  _

Was he meaningless? Was there nothing to him aside from his gifts? Was that why he was here, and was that why Nayeon had seemed so eager to let him go? Would he have to spend his entire life striving to earn the love that came his way? Was he truly that unlovable? 

Sometimes his feelings got hidden behind his intentions. The tactics he used to get through life obscured the person he truly was. Who was he, though? 

Chan was a tool. 

Chan was a weapon. 

Chan was a spy. 

What else was he? 

He was the child Nayeon had safeguarded for years. 

He was little Felix’s big brother. 

That was it, wasn’t it? That was all there was to him. 

So Chan did his best to shapeshift into the person he was expected to be. Everywhere he went, he changed colors and forms. His soul changed. It was always changing, and it had never been stagnant. It was helpful, but it was also dizzying. It was hard to keep up with. It made him confused and restless. It made him decide to stop thinking for himself, and to only do what he needed to. Stop thinking about himself at all. 

His life was external—all that mattered was  _ external. _

Goals. 

Plans. 

Directions. 

Steps. 

Assignments. 

Orders. 

Implications. 

Boss. 

Workers. 

Kids.

Friends. 

_ Felix. _

* * * * * 

Felix woke up before he opened his eyes. 

The room around him was so quiet he could hear every tiny noise. Footsteps, shifting of chairs, rustling. The sound of someone tapping their fingers on their knee, nervously. He heard breathing. The person’s voice was deep, Felix could tell. He had heard that breathing before. 

And then he started to feel things. Worry, exhaustion, duty, confusion. Light and dark. Emotion and protection. Defense. In an instant, Felix knew that the person at his bedside was Changbin. 

He opened his eyes to see a room that definitely was not the one he shared with Seungmin. Everything was white, from the bed he was laying on, to the walls, to the ceiling, to the curtains that surrounded him. He turned his gaze so that he was looking at Changbin, who sat in fidgety silence, seeming not to have noticed the younger boy’s gaining consciousness. His shoulders were hunched and his face was scrunched. He was chewing on the inside of his cheek. His black bangs hung down, almost obscuring his eyes. He was wearing a long-sleeved black shirt with a chain around his neck, and a pair of black joggers and white sneakers. Felix observed the way the veins in his neck moved as he chewed on his cheek, back and forth, pulsating with each movement. It was mesmerizing. 

There was something undeniably attractive about Changbin, Felix realized. He barely knew the guy, but the conflict between the different sides to his personality made Felix intrigued. Changbin was full of surprises, and Felix would continue to be in awe with him, regardless of what he did, because he was just the kind of person who made everything look intentional, even when they all knew it wasn’t. 

Changbin looked up, most likely meaning to glance at the boy who he presumed to still be asleep, but when his gaze met Felix’s it stuck. He stopped chewing on his cheek, and his fingers stopped tapping against his knee. He sat up straight and scooted closer to him, furrowing his eyebrows at him in some sort of unreadable expression. Every expression combined into one. Every feeling. It made Felix’s heart flutter. 

“It’s about time you woke up.” Changbin said in a gruff voice; his guarded attempt at a joke, muffled with insecurity and the countless other fears that plagued the poor boy’s thoughts. Everything about him was so contradictory that Felix wondered if he would ever be able to look away. Even when he wasn’t looking at Changbin, it felt like he was. “You’ve been asleep for around thirty hours. Just about gave Minho-hyung a run for his money.” 

Felix forgot he had functioning vocal cords for a few seconds, staring in confusion, until he finally pushed out, “W-what happened?” 

“You passed out with a really bad fever. It was getting so high the nurse had to throw some ice on you. It went down, though, after a few hours.” 

“Oh…” Felix said in a voice so quiet it was barely audible. “Am I sick?” 

“Doesn’t seem like it. Seungmin was yelling at you. We all could hear it. And then we heard this crash and he came running into the community room, saying that you collapsed. He was really worried about you.” 

“Did anyone talk to him?” Felix was suddenly overwhelmed with memories of the moments before losing consciousness, Seungmin’s anger and suffering. Poor Seungmin. Felix wanted to take every negative emotion away from him and lock them away, never to be seen or experienced again. “He was really sad. He has a really hard time, and he thinks that nobody cares. I don’t think I’ll be able to get to him because he thinks I’m a suck up. Maybe one of you?” 

“You’re too nice for your own good, do you know that, Felix? I guess you _ are  _ related to Chan-hyung.” Was that affection in Changbin’s voice? It was beautiful. 

“I’m being serious, though, hyung… Seungmin thinks everyone gave up on him. He feels so lonely. Just… Tell Hyunjin to keep asking him to hang out, even when he says no. He’ll probably feel a lot better if he just knew that someone was thinking of him in a, you know,  _ non-antagonistic _ way.” 

Changbin two weeks ago would have told Felix to stop being so soft. He would have said the world was harsh and both he and Seungmin would have to get used to that. But, now, he didn’t say anything of the sort. He just ruffled Felix’s hair, saying in his deep, grainy voice, “Okay. I’ll tell him.” 

Felix had seen a wall before, between Seungmin and the rest of the Headquarters. It had been built by the boy’s feelings of abandonment and unwantedness, and he worked every day to keep it up. He wouldn’t take it down on his own, but maybe if everyone knocked on it, he would someday. 

“Seungmin also said something else.” Changbin said, eyes stern. “He said that when you passed out, your eyes were still kinda open, and he saw them turn purple.” 

“I guess I was just feeling…” Felix strained to try and remember. “I felt kind of sad all day. I kept zoning out.”

“Why were you sad?” 

Felix wanted to tell him the reasons. Seungmin being stressed out, Ryujin struggling to adjust to the comfortable environment, Minho’s headaches and constant fatigue, mostly Changbin. Mostly the little things he noticed about Changbin that said so little but meant so much. The little things that made Felix want to save him from the world. 

He couldn’t say that, though. 

“It’s just kinda hard to adjust. People are stressed out. And… Nayeon’s gone.” 

It wasn’t a lie, per se. He was having trouble adjusting, and he spent every minute of every day missing Nayeon, but that didn’t make him sick. That didn’t make him feel like his brain was on fire. 

“I, um…” Changbin suddenly looked extremely uncomfortable. “Never mind.” 

“I’m not gonna judge you.” Felix said. “But I also don’t want you to force yourself to speak when you’re uncomfortable. You saved me, I kind of have an obligation to be there for you now, I guess.” 

“No, you don’t.” Changbin said. “A lot of people think they do, but they don’t.” 

Did Changbin really think that his friends were only there because they felt obliged to be? Did he really feel that unworthy of kindness? 

“I take that back. I thought saying I had an obligation would make you less weirded out, but… I want to be your friend. Because I like you. I think you’re cool.” Felix said, smiling. He was being truthful. Changbin looked confused. His ears grew pink, but he didn’t say anything. 

Changbin didn’t believe him. He didn’t believe that Felix liked him. He didn’t believe that anyone would genuinely want to be his friend without a debt to repay or a harmful plan behind it all. He didn’t believe a person would like him for who he was and not hurt him in the end. 

“Hyung,” Felix said, trying to Change the subject slightly. Maybe Changbin would stop spiraling if he did. “Why did you go to my school? Why did you look after me?” 

Changbin still seemed conflicted, but he didn’t avoid the question. 

“I’m assuming Chan-hyung’s going to tell you anything I don’t, so there’s no point in me trying to hide it.” Changbin said, trying to sound strong but failing (or maybe Felix was just too good at sensing discomfort in others). 

“Are you okay with him telling me things about you? Did you give him permission, or does he just do it?” 

“I’m fine with it.” Changbin said. “Chan-hyung is probably… He’s probably the only person I trust. Besides Jisung, I guess, but Jisung is like me. We’re in the same position.” 

“If you don’t want me to know anything, I won’t ask. I won’t let Chan-hyung tell me. If that makes you feel better.” 

“No, you…” Changbin bit his lip. “You deserve to know the truth. I mean, it’s  _ your _ life. And our lives happen to coincide in some areas, thanks to our gifts. And Chan-hyung.

“Do you remember when Jisung said he used to be a hostage at District 9? And Ryujin?” 

Felix nodded. 

“Well,” Changbin sighed. “So was I. I was there from the time I was eight to the time I was fourteen. I was… I was one of the Experienced. I could have pushed through it, and I tried, but I’m not like Ryujin. I can’t be what people want me to be. So I wasn’t, and they made it basically unlivable for me there. I won’t say the details. It’s not that you shouldn’t know, but it’s just that I can’t really talk about it. It hurts to talk about. 

“Chan rescued me. That’s why I got out. He saw what was happening to me and he saw me as a priority, and he helped me escape. If it wasn’t for him, I’d still be in there. I was so thankful to him that I told him that I would do anything to repay him. He said I didn’t have to, but I insisted, and he said that I could keep an eye on his little brother for him, to make sure you don’t get hurt. So, I stayed with another field agent down the street from your house. I went to your school. I just made sure things were going the right way and nobody from District 9 was on your ass. And, when something happened, I was there.” 

Felix smiled and said, “So you did this for Chan-hyung?” 

Changbin nodded. “I did it for him, but I’m glad I did. For you, I guess. You’re a lot like him, you know? You’ve still got a ton of differences, but you guys have the same compassion and stuff. And I can tell you’re really powerful. Minho-hyung things you passed out because of power strain. It’s pretty likely that your gift is still developing. After a while, it’ll come out and you won’t be getting power strain for no reason. But I can see why you and Chan-hyung were chosen to be brothers.” 

Felix paused at that, knitting his eyebrows in confusion. 

“Chosen? What do you mean  _ chosen _ to be brothers?” Felix asked, voice small. 

Changbin’s eyes grew wide for a split second, as regret seemed to encompass his face, only to be quickly brushed away in favor of false calm. 

“You didn’t know, did you?” 

Felix shook his head, anxiously. 

“Felix… Well, you and Chan-hyung aren’t actually brothers. You’re not related biologically, I mean. Chan-hyung was rescued when he was a baby from a family in Seoul, and you were rescued from a hospital in Australia, when Nayeon was on a mission there. That’s why you have a Western name, I guess. I didn’t know they didn’t tell you.” 

Felix was so overwhelmed. He didn’t know what to think anymore. His eyes filled with tears and his lip quivered. 

“Hey, don’t cry about it. It’s not a big deal. Chan’s known for years and he still sees you as his brother. It doesn’t make any difference for him at all, I promise.” Changbin seemed panicked at the younger boy’s tears. 

“I just…” Felix’s voice cracked as more tears spilled from his eyes. “I wish people told me things. I’m mostly through high school and I don’t know who I am at all…” 

“All of us here know what that’s like. We all were born unlucky, and it’s Seunghyun’s fault, he—” 

Felix clenched his small fists and said, “But Nayeon, she… She could have told me that I was adopted, at least! She could have told me that me and Chan-hyung have different parents! And Chan-hyung could have told me something. Even if it was a lie, he could have told me, instead of thinking I’m too weak…” 

Changbin lifted one of his arms, his sleeve sliding up to his elbow from the movement, brushing away the wetness on Felix’s freckled cheeks. That was when Felix saw it. 

The  _ number. _

804 

He assumed Changbin wouldn’t mind if he touched, since their skin was already meeting.

He grasped his short fingers around Changbin’s arm and observed the scar, branded into his skin just the way Jisung’s had been, only slightly darker and sloppier. It looked as if the person branding him had been rougher, in efforts to cause him more pain. He couldn’t help but imagine an eight-year-old Changbin, sobbing and holding his mutilated arm. It was awful. 

“They…” Felix was whispering, gently running his fingers over the jagged bumps of the scar tissue. Changbin’s hand was shaking. “They were really mean to you there, weren’t they?” 

Changbin nodded, jerkily, avoiding eye contact. 

“Hyung…” Felix pulled the sleeve down, holding his hand over the scar that was now covered by the black shirt. “Can I hug you?” 

Changbin just pursed his lips together and nodded, allowing Felix to sit up in bed and wrap his thin arms around the older boy’s muscular body and press his cheek to his shoulder. Changbin didn’t hug back, but something inside of him seemed to relax. Maybe not all touches scared him. Maybe just the ones he didn’t expect. The ones that reminded him of what it was like to be hurt. 

They were silent until Chan arrived, and then Changbin left. Chan sat in Changbin’s place, lifting his hand up and brushing his fingers through Felix’s hair. 

“Hey, buddy.” Chan said in a soft voice. “How’re you feeling?” 

Felix played with his fingers for a few seconds before saying, in such a small, broken voice, “Why didn’t you tell me that we’re not real brothers?” 

He looked up to see shock grow on Chan’s face. 

“I’m sorry.” he said. “I thought… Well, it’s for the same reason as everything else. I thought that was what they wanted me to do. I’m really sorry.” 

It occurred to Felix right then that there wasn’t a thing in the world Chan did for himself. And it made him feel worse. 

“Changbin-hyung told me. He also said that he looked after me to repay you. He said that you saved him from District 9, and they were horrible to him there. I saw his scar.” 

Chan was silent, just looking at Felix with so much shame and sadness and forlorn. He looked younger than Felix remembered. 

“What do they do to Experienced hostages in District 9?” 

Chan took a while to respond. He shifted in his seat and then looked into Felix’s eyes with his own pain. It was a type of pain that told Felix that Chan saw what they did every day, and he would never get used to it. He would never stop feeling sad about it. It was the motivation for his motivation and the motivation for his guilt. 

“They call it Classical Conditioning. It shouldn’t be called that. The kids call it Treatment. It’s fucked up. It’s so bad…” Chan’s voice faltered and he had to clear his throat. “It’s different for a lot of the kids, depending on how easily they conform. Ryujin was a great actor. She graduated early. Changbinnie… He would come to class covered in bruises and burns, he would…” Chan’s eyes filled with tears. “Whenever I did dorm duty, he would just lay in his bed all night, shaking, crying, after Treatment. He would throw up. His personality went away for a while. It still hasn’t come back. At least not really. But once a week, they would take him into the Conditioning Rooms, which are basically prison cells with no windows, not lights. Just darkness. They would tie him to a chair and torture him with drugs. Whenever he misbehaved, they would hit him. He had hallucinations. He has really vivid memories of things that never happened, even now, from when he was on those drugs. And whenever he acted up in class, they’d take him in for more Treatment. Torture. It was torture. They took him in and tortured him more than once a week. If it was me… I don’t know if I would have made it.” 

Felix was crying again. Chan was also crying. Both of them were crying. 

Chan stood up, brushing his own tears away, before pecking the top of Felix’s head and saying, “You should spend another day or so in the infirmary, just to recharge. Then we can figure out if you can handle staying with Seungmin any longer. Jisung said you can sleep with him for the time being.” 

Seungmin would want privacy, wouldn't he? At least from Felix.

Felix nodded, and Chan left. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Lost" by the Cranberries.


	7. "prejudices, it is well known, are most difficult to eradicate from the heart whose soil has never been loosened or fertilized by education: they grow there, firm as weeds among stones"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was very fast! I'm trying to squeeze out lots of planning/writing before I head back to campus because I'm going to be taking harder classes than I was last semester and I know I'm not going to have a lot of time to write! I hope you like this chapter because I am actually very happy with how it turned out (and I may have written it while listening to "Golden" by Harry Styles on repeat)! 
> 
> Also, this chapter discusses past torture/child abuse (nothing is explicitly shown, just spoken of), as well as cults (just the different characteristics of them and stuff) in case you are sensitive to that. 
> 
> <33

The air was cold and still in the Academy of District 9, but twelve-year-old 526 never would have noticed. 

Every particle of his body was programmed to be cold, and even the parts that never cooled were programmed to hide themselves away. All that mattered in 526’s life was Seunghyun and the Message. 

The Blank Slates woke up early without complaint. They crawled out of their beds in their dorm and dressed into their uniforms without question, and then they walked to class. 526 was no exception. All he could remember was District 9, or at least all he thought he could remember. Every once in a while, he’d have dreams that seemed so familiar that they made him nostalgic for something far different. He would dream of sitting on a woman’s lap as she hugged him close, saying, “I love you, Jisung”. Was that his name? Was that his name before? 

_ Don’t think about that. _

_ Seunghyun won’t like it.  _

_ He’ll be disappointed in you.  _

Seunghyun had saved him. Before, he had been living in the Conventional world, with people who were full of cruelty and evil. They would fill his mind with poison and suppress his powers. The only place to be free from their destruction and prepare to combat it is District 9, where there are only the Gifted. 

_ “I heard people in the Conventional world are cannibals.” _ Blank Slates would whisper to one another in the hallways. 

_ “I heard they kill each other for fun and eat their own children.”  _

_ “I heard they take Gifted people and lock them up to starve to death. Even the babies.”  _

526 was terrified of the Conventional, and he knew he would have to stay in District 9 and do as Seunghyun told him in order to free the world from them. 

“Hey, you!” someone whisper-shouted from behind him as he was walking out of class. 526 stopped in his tracks and turned his head, only to see a girl from his class. An Experienced. The Blank Slates never spoke to the Experienced, unless they wanted to be bullied. So 526 just turned his head and continued to walk. “Stop it!” 

A hand wrapped around his wrist and yanked him back, causing him to lose his balance. The girl was surprisingly strong for her small size. She continued to pull him back until they were around the corner, away from the cameras. 

“What are you doing?” 526 asked, rubbing his wrist in annoyance. The girl just looked at him in a way nobody ever had before. She looked at him as though he had… agency. 

“What’s your real name?” she asked. 

526 shook his head, saying, “I’m 526. That’s my number.” 

“No, you’re not. You have a  _ name _ . From before. What’s your name? Just think. Remember it.” 

526 was quiet, the memories suddenly coming back. The dreams. The images of things that he wasn’t sure had really existed. As he looked at the girl, he felt strange. It was as if he was remembering something big that started from inside him and flowed it’s way out into the world. It was as if he was beginning to realize that he was a person. 

“J-Jisung…” 526 whispered, looking down, eyes widening. 

“What’s that?” The girl put her hands on his cheeks forcing him to look down into her eyes. There was fire in her eyes. There was something he’d never seen from a person before. 

“ _ Jisung. _ I think that’s… That’s it…” 

“Jisung, it’s nice to meet you.” She held her hand out, only for the boy to stare down at it, confused. “Shake my hand.” 

526 slowly grabbed her hand and shook it. She smiled firmly at him. He had never spoken to an Experienced like this. He had never spoken to anyone like this. Or maybe he had… before. 

“I like you, Jisung. You’re not like the rest.” the girl said, crossing her arms and looking him up and down. “I can tell you still remember things from before. I can tell that you’re not completely a robot. Not like them.” 

“Robot?” 

“I want you to meet me in the bathroom on your floor of the dorm tonight, late. We know how to avoid the cameras.” 

“Wait, what? ‘We’? Huh?” 

“Just do it. And if you tell anyone about this, or about me, I won’t hesitate to make your life a living nightmare. Not that it isn’t already.” 

526 bit his lip, anxiously, and nodded his head. The girl just walked away, short hair brushing against her shoulders as she walked. 

That night, he got up and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him, only to see them. The girl from before, and three others. Another girl and two boys. The girl was small, looking to be younger than everyone else. One of the boys was probably only a year or two older than her. The other boy was older, his face mature in a way 526 would never see on the features of one of the Blank Slates. He was tough. He was undeniably Experienced. His arms were littered with bruises and scratches, and his knees were so purple the sight was gruesome to look at. His number stood out more than 526’s never would. It was purple. It was so deep. 

“This is Jisung,” the girl said. “He’s a Blank slate, but he’s not completely hopeless.” 

“You’re gonna get caught for doing this, Ryujin.” said the younger boy, eyes wide with worry. “And then Changbin-hyung is going to be punished for it. You know they’re always trying to hurt him, even when he obeys them.” 

526 was very confused at this point. He had no idea anyone at District 9 was getting “hurt”. That couldn’t be true. Seunghyun wouldn’t hurt anyone. 

“Well, what am I supposed to do, Beomgyu?” the girl,  _ Ryujin _ , asked, raising her eyebrows. “The more we spread the message that this place isn’t what the Blank Slates think it is, the better chance we have at taking Seunghyun down. Trust me, I was with them. I was one of the Caseworkers.” 

“They already hurt me enough, what’s a little more gonna do to me? I think I’m numb to it now.” the older boy said, face solemn and stern and sad. 

“That won’t happen,” Ryujin said. “I’ll make sure of it.” 

“Unnie,” the little girl said, looking up at Ryujin. “Aren’t we going to introduce ourselves to him?” She pointed at 526. 

“Yeah,” Ryujin said, turning toward the boy. “I’m Ryujin. I’ve been here for around six months. I’m eleven.” 

“My name is Yuna.” the little girl said, bowing, cutely. “I’ve been here for a year. I’m nine.” 

“I’m Beomgyu.” the younger boy said. “I’ve been here for three years. I’m eleven.” 

Everyone turned to the older boy, who blinked, avoiding any sort of eye contact, before saying, “I’m Changbin.” 

“Changbin-oppa’s thirteen. He’s been here since he was eight, so that’s… five years!” Yuna said. “ He was even younger than me!” 

“How old are you, Jisung?” Beomgyu asked. It seemed to be some sort of plea. Begging 526 not to tell, for the sake of Changbin. 526 didn’t want Changbin to get any more bruises. He wouldn’t tell. 

“I’m twelve,” 526 said. “I’m not sure how long I’ve been here, but… I don’t know. I think I was four when I first came.” 

It felt strange being called by a name. There was something incredibly personal about it, that made his heart beat faster and his skin warm. It made his brain softed and his eyesight clear. 

“I’ll explain to you what happens,” Ryujin said. “All of us, even you, were kidnapped. Seunghyun kidnapped us. You were so young when it happened to you that they didn’t need to brainwash you, but they needed to brainwash us. You wanna know how they did it?” 

526 couldn’t speak or move. He didn’t know what to expect. 

“Here, take little Yuna for example.” Beomgyu said, pointing at the tiny girl, whose eyes grew shiny with tears. She crawled onto Changbin’s lap, from where he was sitting against the wall, burying her face in his shoulder. He didn’t hug her or make any move to comfort her, but he didn’t push her away. “She was eight years old when they kidnapped her. They took her from her home, away from her parents, and they put her in a cell. One of the Treatment rooms. They tied her to a chair and they tortured her. They put a helmet on her head that would shock her. They gave her pills that made her sick. They did all of that because they thought they could get rid of all her memories from before.” 

526 started to feel sick. 

“Look at her, Jisung.” Beomgyu said. “Do you think Seunghyun is so great if he would do that to her? And it was and still is even worse for Changbin-hyung! Look at him! He—” 

“Stop, Beomgyu.” Changbin snapped in a low voice. His eyes were glazed over. 

“You may think this is just normal life,” Beomgyu said in a voice that scared 526. “But for us, it’s  _ hell _ , and people like you are only adding to it.” 

“I got exempted from treatment early on.” Ryujin said. “And that’s because I’m a good actor. I knew what I was getting into. They don’t torture me now because they think I’m like you. But I’m not. Beomgyu got exempted after a year of treatment, and Yuna got exempted after around four months. Changbin-oppa never got exempted. He still gets tortured now, and it’s been five years.” 

Changbin clenched his hands into fists. He looked extremely uncomfortable, and it made 526 feel something in his heart break. How could someone so young hold so much pain in their eyes? Why was a nine-year-old girl curled up on Changbin’s lap, crying because she had been tortured? Why was an eleven-year-old boy so angry? Why was an eleven-year-old girl so eager to spread a message to a Blank Slate she’d never met before—as if she saw it as a way to save lives? 

“But you can stick with us,” Ryujin said. “You can be friends with us. We can teach you the truth, and maybe you’ll be able to get out someday. You’ll be able to be  _ free _ .” 

“But it’s evil out there…” 526 whispered, his eyes filling with tears. “The Conventional, they—” 

“Everything you learned here about them is a lie.” Changbin snapped, so much anger and so much pain in his voice. “When I lived out there, I had a family. Do you even know what a family is? Do you know what it’s like to be loved? I was so happy, and here… Here, there’s nothing. My life is nothing. Sometimes, when I’m in the Treatment room, I just wish they would... The pain is so bad… I’d rather be dead than stay here for the rest of my life and contribute to what Seunghyun’s done. I’d rather be dead than be like the fucking Blank Slates.” His gaze was on 526 now, dark, piercing, heavy, angry, and—above everything— _ desperate _ . 

_ “I love you, Jisung…” _

Who had told him that? 

Who? 

Was it his mother? 

526… No,  _ Jisung _ … felt his knees grow weak, and he fell to the floor, crying. His chest shook. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling anymore. It was him realizing that everything he’d ever believed had been wrong, that he wasn’t at home, and it  _ terrified _ him. 

“Do you want to be our friend, Jisung?” Beomgyu asked. Everything was cold now, and Jisung didn’t want to contribute to it. He didn’t want Changbin’s life to be so miserable, and he didn’t want little kids to be tortured. Who the hell would? 

Jisung just hiccuped, and then he sniffled, and said, “Yes.” 

* * * * * 

“Now that everyone is here, we can start talking about your individual performances as faculty.” 

Seunghyun was sitting at the end of the table, looking down at a file. He tapped his fingers on the table, building the tension in the almost silent room. He was a terrifying man. His eyes were so piercing they made Chan want to run away and hide. His expression was always unreadable, full of something that was so dangerous. Chan had grown to believe that if he made a single mistake, he would be caught. The entire plan would be foiled. 

Chan spent every day of every month dreading the meetings he was forced to go to with the rest of the Academy’s staff. Seunghyun was extremely picky about the performance of each member, making certain they were teaching the hostages in the way that would best destroy their sense of self and replace it with manufactured garbage to feed his cult. Chan was  _ disgusted _ by it, but he was part of it. 

“Chan, here,” Seunghyun gestured toward the youngest faculty member, a proud almost-smile on his cold face. “Is who you should be mimicking the actions of. He hasn’t broken a single rule, and he’s so good with the kids. They just  _ trust _ him.” Chan felt his stomach churn at that sentence. God, why did the kids have to trust him when he was just forcibly filling their brains with poison? It made him hate himself. “He’s even been able to work his magic on several of our Experienced children, who have been rendered almost to the level of our Blank Slates. He is incredibly good at his job. See him as an example.” 

It was supposed to be good that he had gotten on Seunghyun’s good side, wasn’t it? So why did it feel so terrible? Knowing the fact that Seunghyun—the man who had tortured one of his best friends into a pulp every week for the fuck of it, who had ripped so many children from their homes and stripped them of love, who was doing everything just to feed his own ego—was  _ pleased _ with Chan’s work… Sometimes it was incredibly difficult to keep the image of Yongsun’s face as she gathered information from him in the back of his mind, because all he could think when he stood in his classroom was the fact that these were real kids, just like he had been. 

These were  _ real kids _ who had not been given the same privileges as he had been given so early in life. 

They had not been rescued by a field agent. 

These were kids that the Caseworkers had not been able to spare. 

He wondered what anybody else would have done in his position. Changbin probably would have tried to strangle Seunghyun after bringing together a stampede of Experienced kids to revolt, getting himself killed in the end. Jamie would have filled her lectures with subliminal messages, telling the kids not to believe a single word anyone tells them in District 9. Minho would have passed out on the first day because of the mental strain and the fact that Seunghyun doesn’t seem to allow more than six hours of sleep per night for his faculty (which, undoubtedly, was not enough for someone whose gift required so much energy). Obviously all of the others were too young to be considered as possible candidates. Chan was the only one. 

And the pressure was so immense that it felt like he was losing his mind. 

Honestly, at this point, he was starting to wonder if his mind had ever been present. 

Seeing the kids made him think of Felix, even though he knew his little brother was safer than he’d ever been. He couldn’t get the sense of fear out of his mind, that one day, he’d come to class and see a little, freckled boy sitting with the other kids, bags under his eyes, covered in bruises as Changbin had been, suffering so much. He tried not to think about it, because the thought hurt so much. He cried about it when nobody was around. He had vivid dreams about it. 

Felix, tied to one of those fucking chairs, steel helmet on his little head, getting shocked. 

Felix was just like every other kid there. 

Every other kid needed Chan’s help, and here he was  _ teaching _ them at the Academy— 

“Chan, stay back with me for a few minutes. I want to talk to you.” Seunghyun said as everyone was leaving, gesturing for the younger man to walk toward him. 

They waited until the room was empty and the doors were closed before Seunghyun’s stern eyes grew even darker, to a point where Chan was frightened. But there wasn’t any weakness in them that told Chan that he felt threatened by Chan. It was rather that  _ he _ was the one intending to threaten the younger. Chan folded his hands behind his back, doing his best to hide his nervousness. He was so lucky Seunghyun did not have telepathy among his long list of gifts. 

Usually, when you spend enough time with someone, listening to their voice, following their orders, you tend to get an idea of who they are deeper down. You can tell when they’re afraid, when they’re sad, when they’re pleased. Chan quickly caught on to the fact that, regardless of how much time he spent studying Seunghyun, he would never know him. That was probably the most dangerous aspect of his job—the fact that Seunghyun had lost so much of his warmth and humanity to the point where he didn’t show emotion. 

He was genuinely  _ void _ of empathy. 

Sometimes Chan wondered if the man was even a person, but then it would always hit him that it took a specific type of person to lead a cult. A person who was so viciously self-obsessed to the point where they started an entire belief system revolving around themself. To the point where human life meant nothing if their power was heightened. It made Chan fearful of what Seunghyun would do the next time he realized he was unsatisfied. 

“I’m going to ask you a question, Chan, and I want you to be honest with me.” Seunghyun said, looking so deeply into Chan’s eyes that his heart stuttered and threatened to shrivel up and die. He felt chills down his body. He felt so fiercely disturbed that he couldn’t handle it—but of course he was good at hiding his feelings. 

“Yes, sir.” Chan said, genuinely shocked at how steady his voice sounded when it left his trembling vocal cords. 

“There have been a few disappearances of some of our children over the past few years. Since you came to work with us. Do you have any idea what could have happened?” 

Chan thought he was going to collapse. He had gone through this, he knew what to say, but he wasn’t sure if it would work. He felt as if he were standing on the edge of a cliff, trying desperately not to fall as he lost his balance, reaching for something that would keep him from death—a root, a rock, a single fucking blade of grass if that’s what he could get his hands around. 

It was all better than the alternative. 

_ Falling _ , and being a failure to all of the people in the world who deserved more. 

He was already a failure at this point, wasn’t he? Seunghyun was asking the question. He had obviously done something wrong, and everything was going to fall apart because of him. It would all be his fault. Nayeon would have died for nothing, Jae would have died for nothing, Changbin and Ryujin would have been tortured for nothing, Seungmin would have lost his parents for nothing, all of the work Yongsun and Jamie put into their jobs would have been for nothing—all because of Chan and his inability to do his job right. 

“No, sir. To be honest with you, a lot of the other faculty here don’t like me. They think I’m sucking up to you, trying to be perfect. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had some secrets that I’m not in on. I barely know them.” Chan said, hoping that would do for an answer. It would have to. He had just phrased the answer to make it sound like he was completely disregarding the idea that Seunghyun suspected him as the culprit, like he didn’t feel an ounce of fear because he hadn’t done anything to be ashamed of. 

“I’ll accept it, Chan.” Seunghyun said. “But I’ll be honest with you. I don’t know your history. I don’t know what you could be hiding. And I want you to know that if you do  _ anything _ to test my trust,” Seunghyun lifted his finger and poked Chan’s chest with it. “You will pay  _ immediate _ consequences.” 

That night, Chan cried in his room in District 9. He buried his face in his pillow, unable to stop it all from falling out and spilling everywhere. Everything was so  _ messy _ . Why did everything have to be so messy? 

Why couldn’t the world be on his side for a single second? 

_ Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you ungrateful prick! _ he told himself.  _ Not everything is about you. This isn’t about you. The only part of you that has ever mattered was your gifts, make use of them. Don’t be so pathetic.  _

Chan squeezed his eyes shut, and then he pretended to sleep for five hours before getting up for work. 

* * * * * 

Jisung woke up to the sound of screaming and thrashing. 

He sat up in bed, looking down at the boy at his side, who was shaking and sobbing in his sleep, whimpering things Jisung couldn’t understand. 

“Felix!” he whisper-shouted, shaking him. “Wake up!” 

After a few seconds, Felix’s eyes snapped open and he shot up, shaking with sobs that refused to die down. It sounded like he was choking on his own tongue. It sounded awful. 

“Shh…” Jisung said, wrapping his arms around the frightened boy and running his hand up and down his back. “It was just a dream. Everything’s okay. You’re here, with me.” 

“N-Nayeon…” Felix whispered as Jisung got him to lay down again, pulling his head to his chest, petting his hair, comfortingly. “I s-saw her… Sh-she was d-d-dying…” 

“Shh… It’s okay, Felix. You weren’t there.” 

“Th-they i-interrogated her first, didn’t they? They t-tortured her, and then they k-killed her. She must have been in so much p-pain…” Felix choked on another sob, causing Jisung to just squeeze him tighter. 

“It’s all over now, Felix. She isn’t in any pain. And nothing that happened was your fault.” 

“I m-miss her…” 

“I know you do. I’m sorry you had to lose her. But you’ve got us, now. You’ve got me. And I think you just need to sleep some more. Your head feels a little warm.” 

“I m-miss her so much…” 

Felix closed his eyes after that and fell asleep within seconds, looking exhausted. Jisung gently wiped his tears off of his cheeks and smoothed his sweaty hair. 

“Is he asleep?” asked a gruff voice, quiet so as to not wake anyone up. 

“Yeah,” Jisung said, setting Felix’s head down on his pillow and sitting up so that he was looking at his roommate. 

Changbin was propped up on his elbows, masking his worry with that dark, scary, Changbin lampshade he threw over everything. He had been that way since Jisung first met him. He had always been guarded. He had always been hiding. 

“Do you think he’ll be okay?” Changbin’s voice was so soft, Jisung couldn’t help but smile. Changbin could probably see the expression, considering the room was always lit up with multiple night-lights so as not to trigger the older boy’s PTSD, but he didn’t say anything. He probably knew he was fucked. 

“Yeah, he’ll be fine. We were, weren’t we?” Jisung whispered. 

“Well… I don’t know about that…” 

“Come on, hyung. You have a soft spot for Felix.” 

“I don’t. Don’t even fucking say that, what the hell?” 

“You can like him, you know? He seemed to really admire you the other day when he was talking about how you sat at his bedside in the infirmary. And he was even blushing a little bit.” 

“You’re making shit up, Jisung. You always do that. You’re just trying to get on my nerves.” 

“I know things are hard for you, hyung, but I think you deserve to like someone. Especially when the person seems to like you back.” 

“Fuck you, I’m going to sleep.” 

Changbin angrily threw himself down onto his pillow, shutting his eyes. Jisung laid back down beside Felix, staring at the ceiling and listening to Changbin’s anxious breathing. 

“Hyung, it’s better to love and have your heart broken than to never love at all.” 

Changbin didn’t respond. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë.


	8. "like a gentle earthquake, it intensifies, it's like my lungs are breathing fire"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning on having this chapter up 2 days ago, and then I moved into my dorm and got busy, but here it is! Expect some subtle Changlix in this chapter hehe. 
> 
> Also, TW for mention of past bullying/homophobia, PTSD. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy! <3

“You should teach Lixie how to fight, Bin.” Chan suggested one afternoon in the community room. 

It had been a week since Felix had set foot in his and Seungmin’s room. It wasn’t that he was afraid of Seungmin or held a grudge against him, rather that he knew the slightly younger boy would feel more comfortable away from his presence. It hurt a little bit, to be unwanted, but Felix was used to it. He was used to hurting in such a way, to the point where he expected it, and felt as if he was undeserving of anything more. 

He was incredibly grateful to Jisung for sharing his bed and comforting him when he woke up in the middle of the night after a nightmare, but he also knew that he was only placing a burden on the poor boy’s shoulders that he definitely did not need in his life. Sure, Jisung was happy to have Felix around—Felix could tell—but he couldn’t help but wonder just when he would let his new friend down. When he would let them all down, revealing his true colors (or lack thereof). He was so inexperienced when it came to friendships of any kind, to the point where he sometimes felt as though he were walking on eggshells around his own brother, hoping not to mess a single thing up. 

_ “Stay quiet. And don’t play with the other children. Or else you’ll hurt them.” _

Maybe he couldn’t physically hurt them in the way he had previously believed, but he was starting to think his deceased aunt had been correct without even knowing. Felix would hurt his friends by being useless. 

“Hyung, why?” Changbin grunted as Chan beamed at him, dimples on full display. 

“Well, Felix hasn’t been able to channel his gift yet, so it’ll probably be a good idea to give him at least  _ some _ method of self defense. I don’t want my baby brother to get hurt.” 

Chan frightened and comforted Felix simultaneously. There were so many complex emotions in his brain that he made Changbin seem expressive. Maybe it was just the fact that his emotions weren’t as loud and harsh as Changbin’s, which seemed to control everything about him and what he did. Did Chan pity Felix? Was it pity that sat in his eyes when he looked at his younger brother? Or was it something else? Some sort of guilt? Sadness that Felix couldn’t begin to comprehend? Whatever it was, Felix couldn’t help but feel as though his brother was only prioritizing him and taking care of him solely because of a binding sense of duty, and it hurt Felix’s heart more than anything else. 

He was such a pain to deal with, wasn’t he? 

The world was so pure and beautiful… And then there was Felix, a parasite. 

“Why me?” Changbin asked, sounding indignant in a way that was so bashful and so cute. The tips of his ears turned pink, and Felix wanted to smile, but he knew doing so would only make the older boy even more embarrassed. 

“You’re good at it! Look at those arms!” Chan said, squeezing Changbin’s bicep. 

“I’m not that good…” Changbin crossed his arms, defensively, avoiding eye contact with anyone. 

“Aw, is  _ Baby Changbin _ too shy to be alone with the pretty little boy?” Minho cooed, causing Changbin to raise a threatening hand. 

“It’s not that!” he was fuming, but in a way that wasn’t as angry as Felix previously would have thought. “I can do it if you want, I just don’t want to get too into it and hurt him!” 

“You’ve  _ never, ever _ done  _ anything _ like that, hyung.” Jisung said, laughing. “We all know you wouldn’t hurt a single one of us—especially Lix.” Jisung squeezed Felix in an unexpected hug. “He’s just too cute!” 

“Do you  _ enjoy _ this, hyung?” Jeongin asked, looking at Felix with wide eyes. 

Felix shrugged, saying, “I don’t mind.” 

Jeongin smiled and said, “You just saved my ass from all the coddling I’ve been dealing with since I first got here.” 

“Language!” Minho snapped. 

“Hyung, you literally roll around in bed at night, cursing imaginary people out in your sleep for hours.” Hyunjin said to his brother, an amused expression on his face. 

“Well, they probably deserved it. Now shut up and let Chan-hyung and Changbin finish their conversation.” Minho gently slapped Hyunjin’s arm with the back of his hand, causing Hyunjin to screech and squirm around in staged pain. 

“Trust me, Changbin.” Chan said, voice less amused and more serious. Much quieter than before. “You’re really good. I know you have… You have problems accepting your strength—you feel like you’re weaker than you are—but I can promise you that’s only your trauma speaking. I trust you with Felix. I  _ trust _ you.” 

Changbin was running for his life every second of the day. In his dreams, he was chasing a door that he couldn’t seem to reach. He was trying to escape something—the unsureness, the discomfort, the hurt, the loss, the overwhelming fear of loss that messed with his head and flattened his trust in himself and everyone else in his life. Changbin didn’t trust himself to teach Felix how to fight, but he wanted to be around him. Felix could feel it. Changbin really wanted to be around him, because when he was around Felix, he felt sparks of light he hadn’t felt before—that felt different. Or maybe that was something else, Felix didn’t know. He never assumed a single person in the world would ever truly appreciate his company. He was probably just making it up in his mind because he wanted it so bad. 

Chan wanted Changbin to get over his fear. He didn’t really understand the fear, though he was close. He was trying to understand it, and Changbin was pushing him away. Changbin was leaning on Chan and pushing him away at the same time, because he didn’t want to be known, but he also knew that he wouldn’t be able to let go around anyone else. He wouldn’t be able to feel things and feel better around anybody but Chan. 

All Felix could think was that Changbin had been hurt too much to realize how many people loved him. 

Felix could feel it in the room. All of the love. For Changbin. 

“I think that’s a good idea.” Felix said in his quiet voice, because he knew that Changbin would probably benefit from the experience—being shown that he could trust his own skill and judgement. “You’re really cool, it’ll be interesting to see how you fight.” 

When Changbin gave him brief, shy eye contact, Felix felt his cheeks grow pink. He knew everyone could see, but he didn’t really mind it because he knew Changbin deserved to have someone blush over him. He probably thought nobody would ever see a single thing in him, but Felix did. He couldn’t stop seeing things in Changbin, even when he tried not to, and even when he was asleep. 

“Do you like him?” Jisung asked after all of the older members had left. It was just Felix, Jisung, Hyunjin, Jeongin, and Ryujin. 

Felix furrowed his brows and said, “Changbin-hyung?” 

“Yes, him!” Ryujin said in a loud whisper. “You were going so red when you were talking about him. You definitely have a crush.” 

“What’s that?” Felix asked, eyes widening in curiosity. 

“Wait, are you serious, hyung?” Jeongin asked, confusion etched on his fox-like face. 

“You don’t know what a  _ crush _ is, Lix?” Hyunjin said, smiling and patting Felix’s head. “You’re so cute.” 

“It’s when you look at someone and you think they’re really attractive, and it makes your heart flutter and your stomach feel all weird. You think about them all the time.” Jisung explained. “Chan-hyung used to have a crush on Jamie-noona. I think they kissed a couple times, but then they realized they were better off as friends.” 

“I don’t know if I have that.” Felix said. 

“Well, what do you feel when you look at Changbin-oppa, or talk to him?” Ryujin asked. 

Felix thought for a few seconds, thinking about all of Changbin’s conflicting sides that stacked on top of each other and combined into something that was amazing to look at. It was scary and cute and impressive and childlike—it was more than Felix would ever be able to put to words. 

“I feel like he’s really complex.” Felix began. “Like, one moment he’s angry and scary, but he’s actually not. When he’s scary, I can tell he’s scared, and it makes me want to protect him, even though I know I’m no use. When he’s hurting I want to hug him, even though I know he probably wouldn’t like that. He tries to hide it, but he’s really kind and caring. When he smiles it’s so pretty and cute. He tries not to smile, but I think he should smile more because it’s amazing. I think about his smile all the time. I really love it.” 

The room erupted into giggles, which Felix didn’t fully understand. His cheeks were hot describing Changbin, but it was in a giddy, floaty sort of way. 

“You’re in deep, Lixie.” Hyunjin said. 

“What does that mean?” Felix asked, confused. 

“It means you’re really into Changbin-hyung. You like him in a romantic way. You have a crush.” Jisung answered. 

“I thought boys only liked girls that way.” 

“No way, hyung.” Jeongin said, giggling. “Boys can like boys that way, too. It’s not that black and white. They’ll probably tell you otherwise out of the Headquarters, but not here.” 

“So anyone can like anyone?” Felix asked. 

“Well, you kinda have a preference.” Jisung explained. “I mean, most people do, I guess. If you only like the same gender, then that makes you gay.” 

Felix suddenly was overwhelmed with flashbacks from his experiences in high school. Middle school, too. School in general. That word was familiar. 

“People at school called me that.” Felix said, smile fading. “They hit me and called me that and told me I was weak and pathetic.” 

“A lot of people think it’s a bad thing, but it isn’t.” Ryujin said. “People get discriminated against because people think that liking the same gender is gross, but it’s not. That’s probably the only issue I have with the Conventional. It’s hard for them to accept other people’s differences. It’s easier for Gifted people to find them beautiful, because, well…our whole identities rely on our uniqueness. It’s just the way we are.” 

Felix felt his eyes fill with tears. 

“Did anyone discriminate against you guys?” he asked, lip quivering. 

“Oh, Lixie…” Jisung said, pulling his almost-twin into his arms and holding him tightly. “That’s what you’re worried about? You’re worried about something happening to  _ us _ ?” 

Felix nodded into Jisung’s shoulder, tears falling freely from his full eyes and down his freckled cheeks. 

“Will Changbin-hyung not like it if he finds out I have a crush on him?” Felix asked after his tears had dried, still leaning his head on Jisung’s shoulder. 

Hyunjin and Jisung both snorted simultaneously. 

“I wouldn’t bring it up out of the blue.” Ryujin said. “He’s been through a lot, and he’s really wary about that kind of stuff. If he likes you back, he’ll show it, and he’ll take it at his own pace.” 

“Has  _ he _ ever had a crush on someone?” 

Jisung suppressed a laugh before saying, “He never told me about anyone he’s liked, but… Let’s just say when the time comes, I can tell. He’s basically my brother and I’m good at reading him. And also he turns into a shy baby, which is funny because he’s always trying to look tough.” 

“I’m surprised you never picked any of this stuff up.” Hyunjin said. “You went to public school, right?” 

Felix shrugged and said, “I wasn’t really allowed to have friends. Nayeon always told me that if I talked to them or played with them or looked at them too much I would hurt them. I didn’t know how, but I didn’t want them to get hurt, so I stayed away. It was lonely, but I thought I was just saving them. From me.” 

“Chan-hyung told us about that part.” Jeongin said. “But haven’t you seen movies or dramas? Those are full of romance!” 

“I wasn’t allowed. I read a few books for school, but… I don’t know. Maybe Nayeon wanted me to stay away from everything because she didn’t want me to want to branch out and get discovered.” 

“That’s kinda fucked up, Lix.” Hyunjin said, his voice serious. Felix looked up at him to see, stern, genuine eyes full of concern. Hyunjin felt sorry for Felix. Was that what everyone felt toward him? Maybe that was why everyone he loved always ended up leaving. “I mean, I get Nayeon was really serious about her job and keeping you safe, but… That must have been so hard for you.” 

“Honestly,” Jisung said, arm still around Felix. “It reminds me a little bit of living in District 9, as a Blank Slate. You didn’t get brainwashed into thinking an evil man was your idol, and you got to live a relatively normal life, but, I don’t know… That must have felt isolating. Being surrounded by people living normal lives and not being able to join them.” 

“She did it because she wanted me to be safe.” Felix said. “She died to keep me safe.” 

_ But… _

Why was there always a but? Felix didn’t want to think about it, but he couldn’t rid it from his mind. 

“She…” Felix was starting to feel his childhood anxiety take over. His hands were sweating and his brain was spiralling. “She said she loved me, but I don’t know if she really did. She thought I was important, and she wanted to preserve me. She wanted me to get by, even if I wasn’t happy. I always thought she loved Chan-hyung more, but I don’t know anymore. Because the more I see him, the more it seems like he feels rejected by her, like she gave him up. She thought his responsibilities were more important than him feeling loved. But I was useless to her, so she kept me around. And she kept me quiet because that was all I was meant to be… Just,  _ quiet _ , so I can’t mess anything up. Dumb and innocent so I can’t ruin anything. Just, like I can’t feel anything at all, and like I’m meant to just trust everyone who comes my way. And I kept trying to think she loved me because it was all I had after Chan-hyung left, but I don’t think she did… After Chan-hyung left, I had no one… I kept dreaming about him, wondering where he was, just  _ hoping _ he would come back some day because I  _ needed _ him, and she told me nothing. I just wanted to know if he was okay, but… But… I shouldn’t be thinking this because she’s dead, and I miss her so much… I miss her a lot…” 

Felix was crying again, and when he looked up, the faces of everyone around him were pained and compassionate. Hyunjin had tears in his eyes. 

“Felix, can you come into my office with me, please?” Felix looked beyond his friends to see Yongsun standing in the doorway, arms folded in front of her, maxi skirt floating around her legs above her heels. Regardless of where she was, she would never cease to look  _ magical _ , like she was from another world. Beautiful and pure, but also strong and independent. 

Felix nodded, jerkily, and stood up, brushing away his tears and trying to calm down enough to not look like a child (though he’d probably already failed at that). He followed the woman into her office, where she sat down at her desk, motioning for him to sit across from her. 

“You’re here because we need to figure out a code name for you, but I overheard the last part of your conversation.” Her eyes were wide and caring. Knowing. “Nayeon was my best friend, and she did have her flaws, but I do believe she loved you and Chan. I really think so. And you might not believe me when I say this, but I’ve known you since you were a little baby and I love you. Your friends here don’t have anyone they can look up to as a parent, so it’s also my place to fill that gap, not because of my job, but because it’s what I want. You can trust me with anything. You can tell me anything. You can lash out and cry in front of me, and you can express every emotion you have pent up inside of you, and I won’t think any less of you. Nayeon wasn’t very good at that, and she tried, but it was hard for her. She got hyper focused on her goal, but she would call me sometimes for updates and tell me about you, and what made you happy and what you liked to eat, and she sounded so loving. She loved you, she just didn’t know how to show it. Things have been hard for you, and I apologize. I’m really sorry, Felix. I wish I could give you everything you missed out on, and I wish the circumstances didn’t make it so that the measures Nayeon and I took were a necessity.” 

Felix nodded silently, and then Yongsun was standing up and opening her arms, and Felix felt himself lean into the embrace without thinking. It was so warm and comforting, in a way he never would have gotten from Nayeon. It made him wonder who his real mother was, and if she loved him. If she still remembered him, and thought about him from time to time, wondering where he was. 

“Okay,” Nayeon sat back down, and Felix quickly followed suit. “Your code name.” She raised her eyebrows at him, cheerfully, causing Felix to smile. “I let a lot of my caseworkers choose their own code names, because it’s not the biggest deal in the world that we have another name for them, and I trust them. Of course, it’s an enormous deal for Chan, Changbin, Jisung, and Ryujin, but for the others it’s just a perk that comes with the job, I guess.” 

Now that Felix thought of it, he wasn’t sure what the others’ codenames were. They never really discussed it. 

“I’ll show you the list and let you get an idea of what you might want to aim for.” Yongsun said, pulling a piece of paper out of her desk drawer and placing it down on the surface in front of the boy. Felix looked down at it, reading each line. 

JAMIE —  _ Jimin _

SEUNGMIN —  _ Puppy _

MINHO —  _ LK _

HYUNJIN —  _ Prince _

RYUJIN —  _ RJ _

CHAN —  _ CB97 _

JEONGIN —  _ I.N _

CHANGBIN —  _ SPEARB _

JISUNG —  _ J.One _

“Seungmin’s codename is Puppy?” Felix asked, smiling. 

“He really doesn’t seem to be the type to pick a name like that, but he chose it when he was very little, and it’s become a habit. He plays a large role during missions, so it’s always a little off-putting to call our hacker ‘Puppy’, as opposed to something far more threatening.” 

“I don’t know what my codename could be.” Felix said, shyly. “But Chan-hyung told me once that if I had a Korean name, the one that would best suit me is… Yongbok?” 

“That’s a good idea.” Yongsun said. “Jamie did the same thing, chose a common Korean name as her codename to counter her Western given name.” 

Yongsun filled out the next slot on the chart and showed Felix. 

FELIX —  _ Yongbok _

“Is there anything else you would like to talk to me about, Felix?” Yongsun asked. 

Felix shook his head, saying, “No, ma’am.” 

“Well, in that case, you better get prepared for your combat lesson with Changbin. He may be small, but he’s definitely strong.” 

Felix caught a glimpse of Changbin walking through the hallway, by the community room. He was wearing a sleeveless muscle shirt that looked illegally good on him. Felix choked on the air he was breathing and broke out into a coughing fit, face turning bright red. 

He  _ definitely _ needed to prepare. Seeing Changbin looking so athletic and confident made Felix feel a bit inadequate (aside from how flustered he was at the sight of the older agent). He obviously wouldn’t be able to gain twenty pounds of muscle mass in the next few minutes, and he couldn’t quickly practice any moves because he didn’t know any. What would get him in the mood? 

Felix found the small portable CD player that the Headquarters’ inhabitants shared (advanced technology was untrustworthy with Seunghyun around to track it), and plugged a pair of headphones into it, which he found hidden behind one of the couches, pressed against the wall so much that they were on the verge of snapping. He found a CD that was titled  _ EDM _ , and he decided the cover looked colorful enough to promise energetic music that would possibly bring his energy up. He slid it into the CD player and started the track, hearing the intense music blasting into his ears through the headphones. 

With the music, Felix began to walk toward the training room Changbin had told him to meet him in, opening the door and stepping inside. The room was small with dim fluorescent lighting that made the mood much more ominous (probably for the purpose of sparking nervousness in the people training). Chan was sitting by the wall (he had obviously shown up because he had seemed to have made a goal to not miss anything out of Felix’s progression that he could be around for), and Changbin was tying his shoes. 

“Felix, are you ready?” Changbin asked, looking up. 

That was when everything shattered. 

A look of terror and pain contorted Changbin’s face and he squeezed his eyes shut, covering his ears and coughing. Felix stood, frightened and confused, watching as the older boy began to shake and hyperventilate. Chan looked up at Felix, eyes growing wide, and he sprung off of the ground, running toward Felix and snatching the headphones off of him and throwing them out into the hallway. 

“It’s okay, Bin…” Chan said in a gentle voice, crouching down beside the younger boy, hands kept at a distance from the other’s body. “It’s okay, they’re gone. I got rid of them.” 

Changbin did not improve. He clutched his chest and started gagging, causing Chan to have to lug him off the floor and over to the trash can, where he vomited for several minutes. He lost all of his strength, crumpled on the floor, still trembling violently, gasping for breath and sobbing. Felix was petrified. 

“Chan-hyung…” Felix mumbled out. “W-what h-happened?” 

“Just a few more minutes, Felix. He’ll be okay.” Chan said, firmly. His eyes were kind, but he was also afraid. It wasn’t the kind of panic that came when a situation arose that you had no idea how to handle, however. It was the type of fear that came from seeing someone you care about in pain. 

Nobody spoke for a long time, until Changbin’s breathing slowed down and Chan helped him to sit up, running a hand up and down his back. 

“You back, Bin?” Chan asked in a soft voice that Felix barely heard. “Can you hear me?” 

Changbin nodded after a few seconds of heavy breathing, pulling his knees to his chest and burying his face in them. He was still shaking, but he wasn’t sobbing or throwing up anymore, which was an improvement. 

“Just breathe with me, okay?” Chan said, taking deep breaths and getting Changbin to mimic him to the best of his ability. “That’s good, you’ve got it. Everything’s okay, you’re safe. They’re gone. You’re safe.” 

Changbin loosened up, growing sluggish as Chan used his shirt sleeves to wipe away the boy’s remaining tears. 

“How about you rest? Come on, I’ll help you.” Chan said, standing up and pulling Changbin to his feet. His face was red and swollen from crying. Felix had never seen him look so vulnerable, and it broke his heart. He felt tears fill his eyes and he turned away as his own heart rate sped to an uncomfortable place. After a few minutes, Chan was back and he immediately pulled Felix into his arms. 

“Why’re you crying, Lixie?” he asked, petting the boy’s hair. 

“He was hurting so much, hyung…” Felix choked out. “What happened?” 

Chan sighed, pulling back from Felix and pressing his lips together. “When Changbin was at District 9, one of the methods they used to torture him was with music. They put a pair of headphones over his ears and played pop music while he was on their drugs. They built an association between mainstream, ‘conventional’, culture and pain, so now whenever Changbin hears music or sees a pair of headphones, he freaks out. It usually isn’t this bad, but I don’t think he got enough sleep last night. That’s probably why he had a reaction this bad.” 

Felix cried harder, saying, “It’s my fault… He’s hurt because of me…” 

“No, it’s not your fault. You didn’t know. It’s Seunghyun’s fault. But now you know, and we all trust you not to make that mistake again. Someone really should have told you, I’m sorry.” 

“C-can I apologize to him?” 

“He’s sleeping right now. But he isn’t mad. He won’t be mad, I promise. If anything, he’ll be angry at himself for still reacting in that way, or Seunghyun for torturing him, but he won’t be mad at you.” 

Chan began to brush Felix’s tears away, only to keep his hands lingering on the boy’s face, feeling his forehead and cheeks, a concerned expression on his face. 

“You’re a little warm, Lixie. Are you feeling okay?” 

Felix shrugged, saying, “I’m a little tired and sore.” 

“That sounds like the fever. Here, let’s go, I’ll ask Jamie what she thinks and then you can go rest.” 

Felix allowed Chan to pull him to his feet and guide him through the hallway and into Jamie’s room. She was sitting at her desk, already seeming to have an idea of what had happened. 

“Is it another fever?” Jamie asked. 

“Yeah, Changbin saw a pair of headphones and had another episode, and Lix came down with a fever. I don’t know what could have caused it, but he told me he’s feeling tired and sore.” Chan explained. 

“Lay down on the bed, Felix.” Jamie said. “I’m going to read you.” 

Felix nodded and laid down, closing his eyes, allowing Jamie to place her hand on his forehead. A few minutes later, she removed it. 

“What is it?” Chan asked. 

“He’s really, really stressed out.” Jamie said. “He thinks it was his fault. He’s afraid for Changbin. I feel like he either has a strange reaction to stress or his gift is manifesting in strange ways and causing power strain symptoms when he’s not channeling. From what I’ve gathered, his gift is strong and disorganized. It’s confusing and hard to pinpoint. It might be a while before it formally makes an appearance, and I don’t really have any way of coming up with an answer as to what it could be until it does.” 

“That’s annoying.” Chan said. “But thanks, Jamie. I think Felix just needs to rest.” 

Chan helped Felix out of Jamie’s bed and took him to Jisung and Changbin’s room, where he had been staying since the episode with Seungmin that had left him unconscious on the floor. 

“But, Changbin-hyung’s in there…” Felix whispered, worriedly. 

“He won’t mind. Just lay down in Jisung’s bed. It’ll be fine.” Chan responded, and Felix nodded, stepping into the fully lit room. 

Changbin was lying limply on his back, dead asleep. Out of all the time Felix had spent sleeping in Jisung’s bed, never once had he seen Changbin so dead to the world. Felix sat on Jisung’s bed, peering across the small room at the older boy, observing the way he breathed, the facial expressions he was making. His brows were knit together in stress, and he still looked extremely pale and sweaty. He looked stressed, but he also looked the slightest bit peaceful, in a way Felix had never seen on him. 

Felix wanted to take all of his pain away. 

He looked at Changbin for a long time, getting lost in space. His eyesight blurred and he grew weak, his eyelids drooping until they were only half-lidded. When he blinked, everything was clear again and his head was throbbing. His stomach was upset and his skin was cold and clammy. He felt dizzy and off. 

But, looking at Changbin’s sleeping face, Felix saw that all of the stress that had previously been haunting his dreams was now gone. All of the sweatiness was drying, and he was looking far less pale than he had been before. 

Felix felt terrible, so he decided to lay down, still glancing at Changbin and seeing the corners of his mouth perk into something that resembled a faint smile. 

He wondered what Changbin could have been dreaming about that would make him smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Gentle Earthquakes" by AURORA.


	9. "laissez-le-moi remplir un peu ma vie"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys need to thank Hyunjin for what happens in this chapter hehe, because I have a feeling many of you are either going to be extremely happy or maybe still a little frustrated with me (please don't hate me :'(). 
> 
> TW for vague mention of past suicide (like so in the past it was like over 200 yrs ago lol).

For Hyunjin, sleeping was not just sleeping. It had never been, and it never would be. 

His dreams had always been vivid, but it wasn’t until he was nearly finished with elementary school that he realized they were predicting the future. He would dream about new additions to the Headquarters, and then they would be brought in weeks later. He would dream about things that weren’t even specific to his own senses—events that would impact him, regardless if he was present to experience them or not. 

The episodes didn’t happen every night, and they almost never warned him of small, unimportant happenings, such as what he would be having for dinner the next day or whether he would get into another argument with his older brother, Minho. They came about when something big was bound to happen. He had predicted Felix’s addition, and Ryujin’s rescue. He had predicted the exact moment Jeongin had been brought into Headquarters after narrowly escaping getting discovered by District 9. 

Now, he had another vision as he slept, and he had never experienced so much distress in a night of sleep. 

Not even when he dreamt about the first night after Changbin’s rescue—all of the blood and injuries that would litter the boy’s body, and how he would be frighteningly silent and cold, as if his personality had been sucked from his body and replaced with ice. 

Hyunjin fell asleep, and then he wasn’t in his normal dreamworld, full of fictitious fantasy, things that would probably never happen. 

_ He was in Yongsun’s office. The air was so hot and stuffy that he struggled to breathe. He heard banging and rustling, looking up to see Minho, face pale and distressed, biting his lip to the point where it was close to bleeding, tearing through the drawers of Yongsun’s desk with all of his energy.  _

_ Minho was exhausted. He hadn’t slept for a long time, and the only thing keeping him upright was the adrenaline rushing through his body. He was sweating. He looked across the room, worry in his eyes, and Hyunjin turned his head to see what his brother was turning his attention briefly toward.  _

_ Felix was on the floor.  _

_ He was screaming, Hyunjin just realized.  _

_ His screams were so loud and ugly that Hyunjin wanted to cover his ears. They were painful to listen to. His face was completely red and he was pulling so hard on his hair with his white-knuckled fists that Hyunjin wouldn’t be surprised if he gave himself a few bald spots. Blood was pouring from his nose. Tears were screaming from his eyes, which were purple.  _

_ Not the purple Hyunjin had seen before: the deep, pretty amethyst that came when he zoned out.  _

_ They were so clear, soft lilac only tinting the transparency of his irises, to the point where, from a distance, one would think he didn’t have irises at all.  _

_ “Hang in there, Felix.” Minho said in a panicked voice, out of breath, resorting to pulling the drawers out of their sockets and letting them crash clumsily to the floor.  _

_ “Dying!!” Felix screamed, voice so choked and so hoarse from screaming. “I’m dying!!”  _

_ If Hyunjin hadn’t been concerned at first, he definitely was now. He was terrified, looking down at his friend and seeing what he had been reduced to. The whites of the boy’s eyes grew pink and he screamed again, head twitching in all directions as if he were being electrocuted.  _

_ “CHAN-HYUNG!!” he wailed, lifting his arms up and reaching for something that wasn’t there.  _

_ “They’re gonna find him, Felix. And I’m trying.” Minho was so stressed. His eyes were glazed over and Hyunjin knew he was seeing spots. “Just hang on for a few more minutes.”  _

_ Felix wrapped his skinny arms around his torso, rolling around and clenching every muscle in his small body, and then he went limp, eyes closing, leaving stray tears to roll down his red face. Minho looked up, breath caught in his throat, and ran to the younger boy, lifting the upper half of his body so that he was propped up against the wall and feeling for a pulse.  _

_ “Seungmin!” Minho yelled out into the hallway. “We need to do something soon! He just passed out again! And his fever is so high!”  _

_ Minho just scrambled up to search some more, eyes flickering back to Felix’s unconscious body every other second.  _

Hyunjin woke up drenched in his own sweat and panting, as if he had just completed a 1600 meter sprint. 

His mind was blank for the first few seconds, and then the reality of the situation hit him all at once:

(1) Chan was lost somewhere. 

(2) Felix was  _ dying.  _

Hyunjin bolted out of bed and ran to Jisung and Changbin’s room, throwing open the door and looking to Jisung’s bed, seeing Felix, sleeping peacefully. He wasn’t in pain. Hyunjin then ran to Yongsun’s office, barely knocking before opening the door and stepping inside. 

“Sajangnim—” Hyunjin said, breathless and terrified. He was panting, sweat dripping down his face from his hairline. He probably looked peaked. “I—” he inhaled once more. “I had another vision.” 

“Sit down, Hyunjin, and catch your breath. I don’t want you passing out on me.” Yongsun said, pointing to the chair across from her desk. He walked over, collapsing into the chair and waiting until his heart had stopped trying to burst its way out of his chest. 

“Ma’am, it was so bad…” Hyunjin had started to shake again. He explained everything he had just witnessed, and she knitted her eyebrows together. 

Yongsun didn’t speak for a minute or two, and then she said, “I suppose we won’t be able to continue sending Chan to District 9 as a spy forever.” 

“What was happening to Felix?” 

“I’m not quite sure. Your description of his movements and the pain he was experiencing sounds similar to the torture methods they have at the Academy. I would say there is more than one possible explanation for this type of occurrence. The first one being Felix has some sort of implant. Perhaps he slipped out of our fingers and got chipped. He’s done it before. It happened to Jae.” 

Hyunjin barely remembered Jae, but that name was always a source of great sorrow at the Headquarters—he was the child whose life was taken at the hands of District 9 officers. He was Jamie’s dead brother. 

“Before Jamie was born, Jae lived here, with me. He was the only child at the Headquarters, and he was very precious to me. Seunghyun doesn’t always strive to kidnap all Gifted children—he also takes a lot of pleasure in making me feel small and powerless. Not only does he hate what I’m doing, but he also has a ridiculous prejudice against women in any position of authority. One of his guys chipped Jae while he was out playing in the yard, and he experienced all sorts of torture. He was getting sick, he was having seizures. It wasn’t until we ran tests on his body that we found the chip and were able to extract it.” 

“Do you think that’s happening to Felix? He got chipped?” 

“It’s possible.” 

“What’s the other explanation?” 

“Well… I’d say the other explanation is that Chan is going to get caught and tortured. And, Felix… Felix must be an Empath.” 

Hyunjin thought about what little there was to learn about the history of Empaths, and he didn’t think Felix’s symptoms matched up at all to what had been recorded. 

“But, thats—” 

“I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’ve learned to never question an instinct of mine. At least not since I met your brother.” 

There hadn’t been an Empath in centuries, Hyunjin had learned. The last living Empath had believed he was his mother for twelve years before being locked up in an asylum and subsequently killing himself, and that had been back in the 18th century. There was nothing about his eyes changing color. Nothing at all. No fevers like Felix was getting, and the only issue aside from his lack of identity was the episodes of psychosis he would fall into, hearing voices that weren’t there, from the people who lived in the life of his deceased mother. 

Felix had to have some other type of gift. 

* * * * *

“Now, Felix, I need you to tell me the truth, okay? I need you to be extremely honest and detailed with me.” 

Felix was sitting on the sofa in Yongsun’s office, looking at her and twiddling his fingers, nervously. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but he knew he was going to be interrogated. Had he done something wrong? 

“Tell me if you’ve been experiencing these symptoms, particularly in waves, in this order: 

“Vertigo, nausea, vomiting, extreme stomach pain, numbness of the skin, migraines, heavy nosebleeds, temporary blindness, hallucinations, sharp pains throughout the body, painful spasms throughout your body coming from your head, and then loss of consciousness.” 

Felix blinked and said, “I get dizzy sometimes, and sometimes I feel sick. I get headaches. I passed out that one time, but… Nothing like  _ that _ .” 

“The reason I’m asking you about these symptoms is because there is a possibility a worker from District 9 has chipped you so that Seunghyun could inflict torture on you while you’re here. It happened before to one of our kids.” 

Felix’s eyes grew wide and he thought through the symptoms he had been experiencing. He’d never gotten a nosebleed, though, or spasms. He never had hallucinations. 

“Okay, now I want to explain to me everything that was going through your mind while Changbin broke down a few days ago. Every single anxiety symptom, in detail.” 

Felix started to feel sick, but he didn’t want to show it. Was he in trouble for hurting Changbin? Did Yongsun believe he was a danger to the members at the Headquarters? 

“U-um…” Felix mumbled, gaze shifting. “I got a headache, and I started to feel sick. I was so worried about Changbin-hyung. I could tell he had been through a lot. I thought it was my fault, but I didn’t know what to do. I got a fever and I was panicking. Like, I couldn’t control my breathing. And then when I saw Changbin-hyung when he was sleeping, I could tell he was still in pain. And I sat there, looking at him for a few minutes. I guess I got lost in space for a few seconds, I don’t really remember. The fever was making me feel kinda out of it. Luckily, Changbin-hyung started feeling better a few minutes later.” 

“How did you know he was feeling better, Felix?” 

“He was smiling.” Felix said. “And… Um…” 

“Yes?” 

Felix bit his lip, and said, “I never said this before because it sounds crazy and, like, weird.” 

“Tell me. I need to know.” 

“Well, um… Ever since I was a kid, every time I did something nice for someone, or every time I saw someone start to feel better if they were sick or upset, I started feeling bad. I gave ice cream to a homeless man with an injured leg when I was six, and when Chan-hyung was carrying me away, my leg started to hurt and it made me think that I didn’t really like doing nice things for people that much. I can’t help it, though. I guess, when I saw Changbin-hyung feel better in his bed, I started feeling sick.” 

“Felix, look at me. Look at my eyes. Don’t speak, just look into my eyes and focus on them.” 

He was confused, but he didn’t question it. He looked into Yongsun’s beautiful brown eyes and seemed to get lost in them. His thoughts started to disappear momentarily, and everything was silent. Yongsun was nervous about something, but she was also happy. Why was she happy? Why was she afraid? 

“They turned purple.” Yongsun said, snapping Felix out of his trance. “Now tell me everything you thought about while you were looking at my eyes.” 

“U-um…” Felix could barely remember. “When I dissociate like that, I don’t think… I just feel things… But it’s like I can understand more, even if my brain isn’t working that well.” 

“What did you feel?” 

“I felt… Nervous. But also happy, like hopeful. Like I was finally finding something I’d been looking for for a long time. But also afraid, like something bad was going to happen, and I wasn’t sure if I had enough time to try and stop it.” 

“Felix,” Yongsun said. “Earlier, I thought you were an Empath. That was why I asked you those questions. However, many of your symptoms and general behaviors don’t add up to the records of past Empaths. And, I believe you have an ability to take sensations and emotions from a person’s body, so that they no longer experience them. That’s not an Empath quality. That’s Suffering Absorption, and the only records of people containing that ability were specifically in the context of identical twins both born with Telepathy, giving them access to Empathic Masochism and Suffering Absorption on only each other. The eyes turn purple. You  _ dissociate _ and they turn purple. You get a fever when you’re stressed. This is so much more complicated than what I’d predicted. Honestly, I can’t tell you what your gift is, aside from the Suffering Absorption, which I would classify as more of a symptom than a gift of its own. Whatever this Empath-esque quality you have is, it doesn’t match up to anything that’s been recorded. If I’m right, you’re the first person  _ ever _ to have been born with this gift.” 

“W-what do I do?” 

“I’ll need to do some more research so I can get closer to coming to a conclusion. For the time being, don’t overexert yourself. Don’t try to channel your powers until we’ve come to a conclusion because it could make you really sick. I don’t want you having a power strain reaction like Minho. I’ll mention that to Jamie.” 

“Jamie-noona read me a few times. She said I was having mixed up symptoms.” 

“Jamie has been taught not to jump to conclusions. She doesn’t diagnose because she’s only twenty-one. It’s very easy to miscategorize someone’s gift, and it can be extremely harmful. Let’s say Jamie saw Minho and thought his gift was only telepathy, and tried to get him to channel it the way she would another Telepath. He would be on the floor in a second. Channeling is risky. It takes a lot of energy, especially if it’s your first time, and if you try to channel too much for your specific needs or in a way that isn’t ideal for your gifts, you can get hurt, the people around you can get hurt, it’s just a mess.” 

Felix nodded. 

“For now,” Yongsun said. “No powers, no channeling. It would be a good idea for you to learn some self-defense strategies, since our safety may diminish at some point, so I’ll send you to the training room. Jamie should already be there with Minho.” 

Felix nodded again, jerkily. 

“Felix,” Yongsun’s gaze was soft. “It’s okay. Everything’s okay. I knew since the day Nayeon rescued you that you would be powerful, and so did she. She knew you were powerful. Whatever self-deprecating thoughts are going through your head right now, they’re wrong. And I also have an idea of how hard it must be for you to have these qualities. Some advanced and rare gifts manifest in ways that mimic mental disorders like depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, schizophrenia. I think it would be a good idea for you to see the physician again in a few days, once your brother is back and can be with you, so that we can get everything sorted out, maybe put you on an anti-anxiety medication. Do you think you could benefit from that?” 

Felix shrugged and said, “I guess. I hope so.” 

“If you have any questions, or if you’re having a hard time, please, please,  _ please _ come see me. Not because it’s going to help me come to a conclusion, but because you don’t need to be keeping your feelings to yourself, especially when you’re hurting. That’s unnecessary. Okay?” 

Felix nodded again. 

“Okay, I’ll see you later. Go learn some moves with Jamie.” Felix smiled. 

* * * * *

When Felix stepped into the training room, he should have expected another catastrophe to occur. 

He opened the door and was immediately greeted by a sweaty, pale, distressed Minho and a frustrated Jamie. They were both shooting each other glares, and Felix wondered if there would ever be a time when they would get along. 

“No, dumbass.” Jamie said, hands on her hips. “I’m not letting you channel. It’s too dangerous.” 

“Fuck you, noona, it’s my life. I’ve been useless for the past however many years, just let me try.” Minho responded, venom in his exhausted voice. 

“God, you’re not useless. An annoying dipshit? Yes. Useless? No. If you end up killing yourself by overexerting yourself, then you’d be useless.” 

“I bet I can do it this time.” Minho said. “I’ll be slow and gentle.” 

Jamie just glared at him while he held his hand before him, palm to the ceiling, and focused his face. His hand started to glow before quickly burning out and releasing a small puff of smoke into the air. 

“Fuck this shit.” he swore, and then closed his eyes. 

“Minho—” 

“Just shut the fuck up for a second. I’ll be careful.” 

Minho’s expression softened as he travelled farther from reality, sucked into the depths of his brain. He started mumbling things that Felix couldn’t understand. Languages he was certain Minho was not familiar with. Jamie put her hands on his shoulders and shook him, trying to pull him back into reality, but his eyes didn’t open. 

“Minho! Stop it, that’s enough!” she exclaimed. 

A few seconds later, Minho went limp, crashing to the floor. 

“Fuck.” Jamie said, kneeling beside him and feeling for a pulse before pushing down hard on his chest once. 

He gasped for air, wheezing and coughing, before staring into space, looking as if he weren’t mentally present at all. 

“I’m gonna go get someone from the infirmary to bring a stretcher.” Jamie said. “Felix, keep an eye on him?” 

Felix just nodded, walking over to Minho and crouching beside him. Minho’s eyes closed again, but he continued to breathe. Minho’s heart had stopped from a few seconds of channeling. 

His  _ heart had stopped _ . 

It was no wonder Yongsun was so adamant about Felix not channeling until his gift had been categorized. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Mon Dieu" by Edith Piaf. 
> 
> Poor Jae had it rough... I am actually kinda sad for making his story so tragic wtf haha.


	10. "when you say you need privacy, you're only hiding from yourself"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was a little later than usual. I've been really busy with school rip... It's kinda hard to have time for literally anything when my CompLit professor is assigning me a new book to read every two days *sighs dramatically*. But I squeezed this out, and I'm pretty happy with it! The story is beginning to pick up a little bit!! 
> 
> TW for blood (like a ton of it oops), a little bit of vomit (inexplicit), and a tiny mention of depression and an unhealthy control fixation (I honestly don't know if it would classify as OCD or not, but it's kinda like how I experience my ED lol). 
> 
> I hope you enjoy !! :D

When Minho opened his eyes, he immediately felt a wash of pain and sickness that made him want to go right back to sleep. 

He was lying in a bed in the infirmary, hooked up to a heart monitor. He heard it beep in a repetitive motion as his eyesight focused and he turned his aching head so that he could look at the person sitting over him, holding his hand, rubbing their thumb in soft circles over his knuckles. 

Hyunjin, of course. 

“Hey, hyung.” Hyunjin whispered, smiling. “How’re you feeling?” 

Minho snorted and said, “Like a fucking idiot.” 

“Fair. Jamie-noona would surely agree with that. She  _ was _ the one who had to revive you for, like, the eighth time.” 

“God. Fuck…” Minho sighed heavily, trying to lift his head, only to quickly decide against it when his vision went white and he was overwhelmed with excruciating pain throughout his skull. He hissed and closed his eyes for a few seconds as the pain died down.

“What happened to no swearing, hyung? I guess that doesn’t apply to you?” 

“Look at me, Hyunjin. Do I really look like I’m in the mood to forcibly censor myself?” 

Hyunjin ran a hand up and down his older brother’s arm and said, “Just take it easy, hyung. You’ll feel better after a few hours.” 

“God, I  _ know _ that, Hyunjin. I’m not a fucking child. I know how my own fucking body works.” 

“Someone’s in a bad mood.” 

He just closed his eyes again, trying to fall back asleep, but then he heard the sound of heels clomping on the tile infirmary floor, growing louder and louder until they were right beside the bed. 

“Minho, I’m glad to see you’re awake.” Yongsun said, smiling. “How are you feeling?” 

“I’ve been better.” Minho mumbled, avoiding eye contact. 

“I just came here to tell you that it’s best that you stay behind on the occasion that we need to go to District 9 and confront Seunghyun. We can’t take the risk of you getting killed.” 

Minho just bobbed his head slightly once. He had been expecting it, but it still hurt. It hurt his pride and his feelings and his perception of himself. He was generally a confident person—outgoing, good at making friends, a good sense of authority—but he didn’t deny that his faith in his abilities was very low. He took the blow as he had taken every other blow: 

To the fucking heart. 

When Yongsun was gone, his mind was gone. He was spinning. He hated everything about himself. He was questioning everything. 

“I’m so useless…” he whispered, clenching his fists. “Useless… A fucking waste of space…” 

“That’s not true, hyung. You’re helpful in a lot of ways. And it’s not your fault your gift likes to drain your energy.” 

“You know, Hyunjin,” Minho felt a tear roll down his cheek and he closed his eyes again, not wanting to see his brother’s reaction. “Sometimes it just seems like things would be a lot easier for you guys if you’d been the only one rescued.” 

“Don't say that! Hyung, we need you here. We  _ love _ you. Why would you say that? I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you here!” 

Minho didn’t respond; just let the tears fall until he was falling asleep again. 

* * * * *

“I’m sorry.” 

Felix turned his head as he stepped into the room he hadn’t slept in for over a week. Seungmin was sitting at his desk, in front of his bulky computer, and making eye contact with the other boy. His face was still and serious, as it had always been, but Felix knew that it wasn’t void of emotion. It was full of every emotion Felix could possibly think of, because Seungmin was a dynamic human being, who only had difficulty expressing himself. The stone-cold face was a mask—a defense. 

“It’s okay.” Felix said, smiling, softly. “I forgive you. I understand.” 

Seungmin didn’t speak. He continued to look at Felix with that frozen face, which began to slowly crack as the reality of the situation sunk in. His cheeks grew colorful, and his eyes grew shiny. Life was radiating from his expression in ways Felix knew Seungmin had spent so much time trying to suppress. 

And he started to cry. 

Felix didn’t know why Seungmin was crying, but he could feel it. The strange, intense mixture of emotion that filled his eyes with tears and made his chest feel both full and empty at the same time. 

“Why did you forgive me so fast?” Seungmin choked out, letting out a shaky breath. “I was so mean to you, w-when you were new… Why aren’t you m-mad?” 

“Why would I be mad at you? Things have been hard for you, too, and it’s only fair that you act like this. We all were kinda dragged in under bad circumstances.” 

“I never asked you anything… I barely know you and I was mean. I’m sorry…” 

Seungmin was starting to hyperventilate, so Felix rushed over and wrapped his arms around him pulling him into a tight hug, which the boy, surprisingly, seemed to reciprocate to the best of his ability. 

“I guess that just means we need to get to know each other, then.” 

They ended up on Felix’s bed (Seungmin got anxious about anything touching his bed during the day), laying side-by-side and staring at the ceiling. Seungmin was stiff as always, but Felix knew that it would be difficult for him to get over the discomfort of being in close proximity to another person. 

“It’s not that I want to make people feel bad all the time,” Seungmin muttered in a quiet voice. “It’s just… It’s hard to trust them. Kind of like Changbin-hyung, but different. I don’t trust them to accept me, so I don’t get close to them. I don’t trust them to not see me as a burden.” 

“We don’t see you as a burden.” Felix whispered. “You’re really talented and smart, and I don’t know you very well, but you seem like you would be a good friend, too.” 

“My gift…” Seungmin’s voice faltered, and then he paused and tried again. “My gift causes me to think all the time. I’m always thinking about a million things at once, and I remember everything. Every detail of everything that ever happened in my life is engrained in my mind, and I can’t get away from it. Everything I ever felt just comes back, and it makes me forget where I am or who I am. I get overwhelmed, and then I get depressed, so I lock myself up, alone, because I think I’ll feel better. It doesn’t work, though. I just keep thinking about how alone I am, and then I start thinking that it’s too late for me to ever try to get close to anyone, and that they don’t want me. So I just stay in here, and I get more depressed, so I make routines. But I get addicted to the routines. I can’t not do them or else I’ll feel completely out of control, like I just want to rip my skin off and get rid of everything. Just tear everything apart because when one thing goes out of place, I’m a failure.” 

“I’m sorry, Seungmin.” Felix slowly slid his hand into the other boy’s squeezing it, comfortingly. “That sounds awful. You’re not alone, though. You don’t have to be alone. Even when you’re in here, on your computer, you’ve got me, and I’ll be happy to talk whenever you want.” 

Seungmin just sniffled, mind clearly beginning to spiral. Felix squeezed his hand tighter, but it didn’t seem to be doing anything. Seungmin thought he didn’t deserve the support the other boy was giving him. He thought he hadn’t earned it. 

Felix thought about what Yongsun had told him—he wasn’t supposed to channel. It was practically mind control, wasn’t it? Only their thoughts didn’t change, just the ability to be impacted by the negative ones went away. 

What would happen if Felix channeled right then, so that Seungmin could feel better? 

Would that be manipulative? 

He turned his head and looked at Seungmin. The side of his face as he stared up at the ceiling. His shifting eyes. Felix felt the room grow dim again, but this time he focused. He focused and focused, and then he could hear something. 

_ “You don’t belong anywhere, Seungmin. You’re pathetic. Nobody wants you around. You have no home.”  _

It was— It was a child’s voice.  _ Seungmin’s _ voice from when he was younger. 

_ “Aunt Yongsun doesn’t love you. She’s just keeping you here because she feels bad. If you weren’t her nephew, you would be in an orphanage.”  _

Felix began to see things. 

_ Awful _ things. 

_ He was small—a tiny little child with a brain too sharp for his size. He was in a closet, hidden in a box. Everything was dark. The world around him was silent—so silent his ears were ringing. No, they were ringing because of the gunshots. They had been so loud, and his ears hadn’t been able to handle them very well. But they were gone now, and they hadn’t found him.  _

_ He pushed the lid of the box up and crawled out, reaching up and turning the doorknob and carefully stepping out of the closet.  _

_ Mommy had told the bad men that Seungmin was at a friend’s house.  _

_ It wasn’t the truth, though.  _

_ He needed to find Mommy and Daddy, to see if they were okay, or if they got hurt.  _

_ He ran through the room and down the stairs, toward the door.  _

_ That was when he saw.  _

_ The walls with bullet holes through them.  _

_ The furniture, broken on the floor.  _

_ The television smashed to pieces.  _

_ All of the blood.  _

_ The pool of crimson blood that covered the floor, and the two bodies lying in it, motionless.  _

_ Mommy and Daddy.  _

_ Not moving.  _

_ Not breathing.  _

_ Eyes open and staring at nothing.  _

_ Dead.  _

_ He screamed.  _

“Felix!” 

Felix blinked, and he was looking at Seungmin. Seungmin’s eyes were wide with fear. Felix wasn’t sure if he could speak, so he didn’t. He just kept his mouth shut. 

“Felix, you were reading my mind.” Seungmin said. “You were controlling my emotions. You saw my parents. And you took my pain away. But you didn’t just take it away. You… You made me feel like I’m better. Like what happened is finally over. You made me feel okay.” 

Felix didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t. 

“This was what you were talking about with Aunt Yongsun yesterday, wasn’t it?” Seungmin was putting the pieces together. He was too smart. “After Hyunjin’s dream.” 

Seungmin bit his lip. 

“Telepathy, empathy, suffering absorption, mind control. Mind control. You were controlling my mind. You were rewiring my brain and changing my thoughts, which, in turn, took away my suffering. That wasn’t really suffering absorption, was it? I want to try something.” 

Seungmin stood up and rushed over to his desk, pulling out an exacto knife and cutting his finger with it, then making eye contact with Felix again. 

“Take my pain away.” he said. 

Felix sat up, shaking from the already apparent power strain, but he, nevertheless, looked into Seungmin’s eyes and dissociated. His eyelids drooped, and he felt like he was floating. And then everything was clear again, and Seungmin’s finger was still bleeding. Felix began to feel a pinch in his own finger, which was uninjured. 

“It doesn’t hurt anymore.” Seungmin said. “The injury is still there, but it doesn’t hurt anymore. You must have messed with the pain receptors. That’s mind control. That’s  _ mind control _ .” 

Felix thought he was going to throw up. 

Seungmin threw himself into his seat at his computer, clicking viciously, typing, flipping through pages, reading faster than Felix had thought to be humanly possible. He stopped on a page. It looked confidential, like he had used his hacking skills to gain access to it. He turned around. 

“Felix, your gift is comparable to Brainwashing.” he said. “It’s not in the books because it’s not fully researched and all of the information is cryptic and inexplicit. Record of it is from the year 1200. Evidently the last person with the gift was a girl living in Rome. She could change people’s thoughts and, in turn, change their emotions. But she couldn’t feel their feelings. She couldn’t take them into herself. She was thought to be some sort of witch, and she was murdered for it by her own family. The account was written in a diary by one of her neighbors. But yours is different. It has some sort of  _ empathic _ ,  _ telepathic _ quality, and I know it isn’t just empathy or telepathy along with something else because they’re all interwoven in a way separate gifts would not be. This a single gift, and it’s powerful as shit. There aren’t records of what it could be.” 

Felix still couldn’t speak. 

“I’m going to go talk to Aunt Yongsun about this. You’re probably strained, you should go to sleep.” 

And Seungmin left, starting to run down the hallway to talk to their leader. 

* * * * *

_ Hyunjin was in a prison cell.  _

_ There were no windows, and it was incredibly stuffy. Everything echoed off of the stone walls. It was dark aside from a single light on the ceiling, filling the room with artificial brightness that felt so sickeningly fake.  _

_ “Please be okay, Felix…”  _

_ Chan was leaning against the wall, looking pale and extremely fatigued. He was sitting in a pool of blood, holding a limp body in his arms.  _

_ The limp body belonged to Felix.  _

_ Chan’s eyelids were drooping—he was going to pass out any second—but he continued to squeeze Felix to his chest, tears streaming down his face as he sobbed. Hyunjin had never seen their spy so upset.  _

_ Chan was covered in wounds, from head to toe. There was a swollen bruise on his forehead, and he probably had a concussion. He was covered in cuts, scrapes, and bruises, and he was drenched in sweat. Felix seemed relatively unharmed, that didn’t mean the blood wasn’t coming from him. Maybe he’d been shot or stabbed or something and Hyunjin just couldn’t see the wound. Maybe he was bleeding out, dying on the floor of the prison cell, wrapped in his big brother’s arms.  _

_ “You did so well, just come back. Please come back, Lixie… I need you…”  _

Hyunjin woke up and immediately vomited, but all he could think was that Chan needed to know about the vision—about Felix. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Twenty-One" by the Cranberries.


	11. "words falling out through the window, all that remains is a silent call, is the earth colored red?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're on angst street today, friends. 
> 
> Also, I had a giant burst of motivation while I was working on my stats homework and this kinda happened. Early update yay! 
> 
> TW for insomnia, (sorta, can be interpreted as) suicidal ideation, mention of past kidnapping (with use of ketamine), mention of past abuse/torture, mention of depressive thoughts. 
> 
> Also there's lots of fluff at the end, but idk if it really counts because of all the angst rip. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!! <33

Chan didn’t remember his parents. 

He only remembered a warm shield that surrounded him at the age of two, and then drifted away at the age of three. He remembered sitting in Nayeon’s house during his toddler days, feeling nostalgic about something he couldn’t put his finger on. He would continue to wonder about it for years and years, until he put the pieces together and realized that he had to have parents. He wasn’t just born out of nothing in the living room of Nayeon’s house. There had to be different sides of his life that he had never met and would never remember. There had to be some sort of alternate universe, where he grew up as a normal child. Also, there was bound to be one where he wasn’t rescued, and he was then, later, kidnapped by Seunghyun and thrust into a similar fate to Changbin’s. Sometimes he wondered if he would be happier had he been raised by his parents—he definitely was curious about them, and he was sad to not know them. But maybe he wasn’t supposed to be a normal kid. Maybe his parents wouldn’t love him. Maybe he wouldn’t have any siblings. Sometimes he didn’t think about it—pretended not to care. 

And sometimes Chan remembered about the missing piece; the one that would fill up the last gap and make him feel complete; the one that he would never find. 

How many missing pieces were there, though? 

He didn’t know. 

It didn’t matter, because they would never come back. 

All he remembered feeling throughout elementary school was stress. There was a persistent weight on his shoulders that refused to leave. He could never focus on a single thing at once, because he had a million things eating at his mind, making him feel overwhelmed, like he would never be enough. There were so many responsibilities, so many expectations, and he didn’t know why. He didn’t understand. 

He was simply struggling for the sake of struggling, he thought. 

He would never really understand. 

Not even at the age of twenty-one. 

But he didn’t sleep—that was all he knew. 

There was something about sleep that had always intrigued Chan. It took so much time, and it was so vital, but it was also so unproductive. As a small child, he would lay awake at night, seeing how long he could go without closing his eyes. He would run himself into exhaustion, spending the night walking in circles around his room until the morning came and his legs were sore and his consciousness was foggy. 

At age seven, he had gone four days without sleep and felt strange. It was like he was on drugs. He was walking home from school, and the world was floating, spinning, rippling around him. He could hear everything, and he could see everything, but it was all warped. It was like he was looking into a kaleidoscope of detail. Intricate, but also fuzzy. Clear, but echoing around him so much that it made his brain bounce in his head and his heart twitch. 

He wasn’t really there, and he couldn’t really worry. 

It was confusing and warped, but it was also nice. 

Freeing. 

He was numb. 

He used to hold those competitions with himself as much as possible—Chan vs. Sleep. He remembered nearly losing his mind at age nine. He was looking at the blank, white wall, but he was seeing a painting. Not just any painting, though. It was  _ dynamic _ . It was colorful, and moving, and telling a story right before his eyes. It was fantastical and surreal. It was so far from everything that had ever been real for the little boy that he savored it. He  _ loved _ it. 

It lasted until one day in gym class at age eleven, when he had passed out and hit his head on the ground. He had to go to the hospital, and Nayeon was furious. She was angry at the doctors, telling them that she would, under no circumstances, let the child out of her sight. She took him home and gave him a sleeping pill, and he had slept for twenty-four hours straight. 

He didn’t play the game after that. 

At least, not until District 9. 

Night was the perfect time to get things done. He thought the best at night. He was strategic with his hours of sleep lost, as he was with everything in life. It wasn’t a competition, but rather a carefully organized plan. Productivity. It all revolved around productivity, because Chan felt like nothing when he wasn’t productive. When he wasn’t doing anything important, he wasn’t anything important. 

However, now, things were different. 

His lack of sleep was not attributed to his strict work schedule, but rather the anxiety that riddled his brain at the late hours of the night. 

Because Chan knew he wasn’t safe. 

There had always been a possibility of something happening—some sort of inevitable line that would someday be crossed. But, now, Chan knew that he wouldn’t last. All he could do was watch himself slowly fail, and then do everything he could to make sure he was the only one. If it meant dying, that was okay. 

Because if he failed the Caseworkers, and if he put his friends and brother in danger, did he really deserve to live? 

He would die at the hands of Seunghyun, he assumed, just as Nayeon had. 

Because he was supposed to live for her. 

As long as he was missing those last pieces of himself, who else would he live for? 

He would live and die for the cause, and he had completely resigned himself to it. 

Now, he couldn’t sleep, because he couldn’t help but wonder if he would miss out on his last hours of life. 

And he didn’t want to miss out on them. 

* * * * *

When Chan came back from District 9 looking like death (bloodshot eyes, dark circles galore, even paler than usual, crease between his eyes) and Hyunjin crept into the community room with tears in his eyes and his lower lip quivering, Felix knew something was wrong, and he had a feeling it was connected to Yongsun’s implication that they wouldn’t be safe in the future. 

First, Chan hugged him (like, really tightly), and didn’t let go until Jamie had to physically pry them apart. Then, Hyunjin sat down, blinking rapidly. Felix looked back and forth between the two of them, picking up the fact that they were stressed about very similar, yet also very different things. Different events tied to the same person— _ Seunghyun _ . 

“I had another vision.” Hyunjin said, voice wavering. He was looking at Felix, but not at his eyes. He was looking at his hair, at his hands, at his shoulders, at his nose, at his freckles, at all of his defining features as if he were trying to memorize them—as if they would soon be gone. 

Felix felt a spark of fear enter his chest, but he wasn’t quite sure if it was his own. 

“There was a cell,” Hyunjin’s voice cracked. “It was dark, but there was a light on the ceiling. And there was a chair in the center of the room. It was big and metal. Like, stuck to the floor. Everything was stone.” 

Tension built in the room more quickly than Felix had ever seen. The people who seemed most affected were Changbin, Ryujin, and Chan. 

“Chan-hyung and Felix were in there. There was a giant pool of blood on the floor. It was a shit-ton of blood. And they were sitting in it. Chan-hyung was crying, and Felix wasn’t awake. I don’t know if he was unconscious or if he was… If he was dying. But Chan-hyung was so sad, and he was injured, too. But Felix wasn’t moving.” 

Felix felt something pop. 

“It isn’t clear if Felix is going to survive.” Yongsun said, suddenly in the room (when had she stepped in?). “That’s why we need to make it clear that Felix is not leaving Headquarters, no matter what.” 

Felix noticed that Chan looked limp as he sat on the couch, staring off into space. He looked like his soul had been sucked away. He looked like he wasn’t there. He looked so helpless. His mind was taking over his body and he couldn’t move. He didn’t know if he was breathing. And he was thinking about…  _ Death _ . 

“Then he won’t leave.” said a low, gruff voice from across the room. 

Felix looked up to see Changbin, shaking with what seemed to be fear that he presented to the world in the form of rage. Changbin didn’t know how to be afraid, and Felix didn’t know how to be angry. But they still felt both emotions, deep down, and their inability to express them was tearing them apart. They were similar in that sense. 

Changbin stood up and stormed out of the room, the wind swooshing around him as he swiftly walked, shoes echoing through the hallway before the sound of a door slamming was audible. Everyone looked at the door, despite the fact that they could no longer see him—everyone but Chan, who appeared to be dead on the inside. 

“Maybe we’ll all be safer if Chan-hyung doesn’t go back to District 9 this we—” Jisung said, only to be cut off by the spy himself. 

“No, Jisung. That’s not an option. I’m going. If something happens to me, fine, but if I stay here, I’ll just be putting all of you in danger.” Chan said, still not completely lucid. He was blaming himself. And he was preparing himself—for something.

“Don’t tell me you’re planning on sacrificing yourself for us, Channie.” Jamie snapped. “You don’t need to do that. I  _ know _ you. You think you’re worthless. You think you mean nothing, and that your only purpose is to follow orders and save other people, but you mean a lot to us. You’re our friend, and we love you. We don’t want you to die.” 

“I never said I was going to die.” he was lying, and Felix could tell (but nobody else could). “I’m familiar with that place. I’ve been working there for years. I know the layout, I know all the staff. Seunghyun is suspicious of me. He’s going to figure out sometime or other that I’m a member of the Caseworkers, and when he does, assuming he hasn’t already, he’s going to do everything he can to find out where the Headquarters are. From me. And I’m going to keep that secret, because I’ve been preparing myself for that moment for years.” 

“What difference does that make, hyung?” Minho seemed frustrated. “You’re not a fucking guinea pig! You can have backup! We’re not gonna let you be there alone!” 

“It makes all the difference, Minho!” Chan was standing up. His hands were shaking. There was desperation in his exhausted eyes. “It makes all the difference because I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life! It’s the reason why I’m here! It’s the reason why I’m alive! For this!” 

The room went silent. Jamie looked like she was going to throw up, and Jisung was starting to cry. Even Seungmin looked thoroughly disturbed. Ryujin looked angry. Minho had his head in his hands. Hyunjin was still crying. 

“Channie…” Jamie was whispering. She stood up and slowly stepped toward him. That was when Felix saw all of it—the friendship, the years of partnership, the two personalities that went together perfectly because they were needed. Jamie’s fearlessness and sarcasm, and Chan’s quiet compassion that contradicted his tough, organized leadership abilities, and the self-hatred beneath it all, that he’d probably never even acknowledged, himself. “Come here.” 

Jamie hugged Chan for a while in silence. He didn’t cry, didn’t say or do anything. Just stood there and didn’t hug back, eyes blank, hands still shaking. She was talking to him silently, and Felix could hear every word she was saying. 

_ You’re not disposable _ , she said. 

_ You’re more than just a spy.  _

Felix was the one that was supposed to be kept fresh, small, weak, away from everything, away from happiness. Chan was the one that was supposed to be built into something stronger and stronger and stronger, only to make the biggest splash when he fell into the river. He was ready to fall, because that was Nayeon’s plan for him. 

“You should go to sleep.” she said to Chan, breaking away and looking firmly into his eyes. “I can tell you’ve been playing that little game of yours again, where you torture yourself.” 

Chan nodded, allowing the slightly older girl to lead him into the hallway and away from Felix’s view. 

Felix just looked up at the rest of the room, and he remembered that Changbin had stormed off. Changbin was probably upset. They were all upset, but Changbin… Changbin had been cracked so many times that it probably wouldn’t take much for him to outright shatter. The cell, the torture, the idea that Felix might not make it out alive, it was too much. 

Felix stood up and rushed out of the room, quietly walking through the hallway until he reached Jisung and Changbin’s bedroom. He knocked on the door. 

“It’s me, hyung.” he said. “Can I come in?” 

When there was no response, he gently turned the knob, realizing that it was unlocked. He pushed the door forward and looked at Changbin’s bed. It was empty. And then he looked at the floor, in the corner, beside the bookshelf, and he saw Changbin. He was curled in a ball, knees to his chest, rocking back and forth, looking so pitiful. 

“Hyung?” Felix muttered, quietly shutting the door behind him. He crept over to the older boy, crouching down in front of him and holding a hand out. “Is it okay if I touch you?” 

Changbin nodded, and Felix wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close. 

“It’s gonna be okay.” he whispered, running a hand up and down Changbin’s broad, muscular back. “You know that, right? It’s gonna be okay.” 

“I try not to feel things…” Changbin said, voice shaky and small, unlike Felix had ever heard it before. “Because every time I do, everything is ruined.” 

Felix started to run his fingers through Changbin’s hair, asking, in a soothing voice, “Why do you think that?” 

“You know how I said that I lived with my parents when I was a kid?” His voice sounded broken. 

Felix hummed. 

“I lived with my parents and my older sister. We were happy. My parents were wealthy, and my sister and I got to go to this really fucking nice school. I had a lot of friends, and my parents were really proud of me. I was normal, I guess. I mean, I could turn the stove on without touching the knobs, but it’s not like I got famous for it or anything. Nobody even knew. 

“When I was eight, I had this teacher who was always looking at me. He would, like, have me stay in at recess to talk to him. I thought he was cool. He said I was his favorite student, and it made me feel special. I guess I sorta saw him as a friend. I thought I could trust him. 

“Well, one day, after school, he told me that he wanted to get me ice cream as a treat for doing well on the math test. I thought he was harmless. I was only eight. So, I followed him. He took me to his apartment on the other side of town, and I followed him inside. He had me sit down on the couch and he put on a cartoon, and then he gave me an ice cream bar. I was eating it. I thought it was so cool that I was in my teacher’s house, eating ice cream that he gave me. But after I was done, I started feeling tired and heavy. It was hard to move. Things stopped feeling… real. I was just laying there on the couch, and I couldn’t speak or get up or do anything. It was ketamine, I think. But, he picked me up and carried me out to his car, and I was just sitting there in the backseat, all loopy. I barely remember it. I think I went to sleep at some point. 

“The next thing I remember, I was in this little cell, tied to a chair. There was this one little light on the ceiling. The walls were made of concrete or some shit. I couldn’t move. I was just stuck there in the ropes, gagged. My head was tied into this metal helmet. The ropes were so tight around my chin that I was bleeding. I was so uncomfortable. 

“This guy came into the cell and he was standing over me. Seunghyun, the fucking bastard. He said that I was probably wondering where I was, and he said that I was at ‘home’. I started crying, and I asked him if I could see my parents, and he said that I didn’t have parents, and that all I had was him and the Academy. I was so upset. And he reached into his pocket, and he pulled out a photo of my parents and held it in front of me, and then…” Changbin’s voice cracked as he started to cry heavily into Felix’s shoulder. “He told them to crank the fucking lever and they shocked me. It hurt so much, and I couldn’t stop looking at my parents. I missed them so much, and I was so scared. I just wanted them to come and save me, but they didn’t. They didn’t know where I was. I just kept hoping that they would find me someday, and they never did. 

“They didn’t stop torturing me. They kept putting me in that helmet and injecting these drugs into my veins that made me sick. I kept hallucinating. I would see my parents. I would see my family living without me, being happy without me, wondering where I was and not knowing. I would think of how my mom used to sing to me before I went to sleep and tuck me into bed, and how my dad would play soccer with me at the park. And how my sister would help me with my homework and walk me to school in the mornings. And I just knew that I would never get that back. I would never see them again. I would never get my life back, and that it was gone forever. I was j-just a kid…” Changbin was shaking. “I m-missed my mom…” 

Felix held Changbin tighter as the older boy sobbed. 

“It’s like, I used to be this person who was happy and had plans and enjoyed things, and now, I don’t know who I am. And the more I tried to hold onto what I loved, the more they hurt me. And I was just numb to it all after a while. I expected it. And I never thought I would smile again. I never thought I would find joy in anything again. I thought I would just… Drift along, getting hurt more and more until my body just wouldn’t be able to take it anymore and I would die. There was  _ nothing _ . It was like, everything was completely blank. I was completely blank, and I would never be able to get anything back that I’d lost. There was no hope. They took everything I ever had and loved, and they just wrapped their grimy fucking hands around it and just  _ destroyed _ it, right in front of me… All of it… 

“When I met Chan-hyung, I started to think that I would be able to live again. He was breaking the rules for me. He was talking to me and getting my opinions and taking care of me when I was injured, even though he wasn’t supposed to. He would try to get me out of treatment, and he would give me pain medication before I went to sleep, and he would tell me that he would get me out. Ryujin was making me more hopeful, too, since she understood. I had a community, sort of, even though everything was still fucked up and I was used to only feeling pain or numbness. 

“I tried to escape. I was fed up and sad, and I figured that if they shot me or something, at least I would be escaping  _ somehow _ . But… they caught me. And they threw me in that fucking cell and they put the shock helmet on fifty and they tortured me until I was coughing up blood and I couldn’t move. It was like my body was all heavy, like when I ate that fucking ice cream bar, but instead of being numb, I was in pain. It was all pain, everywhere in my body. Every single one of my organs. I couldn’t speak without puking. I couldn’t open my eyes without feeling like I was dying. I couldn’t sleep. They were making me walk back to the dorm, but I couldn’t, and they were kicking me forward. I was just… I was just fucking crawling on the goddamn floor, getting kicked by these psychopaths, and nobody checked on me. Nobody cleaned off my wounds. They just left me there. Beomgyu took care of me, since we lived in the same dorm. And Chan-hyung checked in on me when he could get away with it. And Jisung kept coming to see me, even though he was putting himself at risk by associating with any of the Experienced. I guess I just sorta realized that he was a good kid, and that he cared, even if he was brainwashed into believing Seunghyun was a god his whole life. He had the capacity to change. And he had been there since he was little. He really looked up to me, and I felt bad for him. 

“Once I was strong enough to walk, in the middle of the night, someone shook me, but when I opened my eyes nothing was there. But they pulled me out of bed. I couldn’t see them. I was scared. They took me into the bathroom and shut the door, and then Chan-hyung appeared. It was his weekend off. He wasn’t supposed to be there. And I guess I sorta realized that he had Invisibility as a gift, and he never told anyone. He said that he was going to get me out, and that I needed to be out of the building in thirty minutes or else we would get caught. He said that they hacked into the security system, and that nobody would know where I went. I didn’t want to get tortured again, but he said I wouldn’t, and that we just had to act fast. He snuck me out the side exit, which I didn’t even know existed, and he took me to his car and drove away. It was exciting. It felt like a new beginning. I was the first to be rescued because I was in the most danger. And then Chan-hyung had to rescue a Blank Slate because security measures would go up if another Experienced kid escaped, so I asked him to get Jisung, and he did. And… Here we are, I guess. 

“I’m declared dead. My family thinks I’m dead. Nobody’s looking for me. They just…gave up, I guess. They’re living their own lives without me, which is okay, but it just hurts. All because I wanted ice cream. If I hadn’t eaten that fucking ice cream, I… I keep thinking that I just want my life back. I want my personality back. Now, I’m just nothing… Still, years later, I’m still so fucking empty, and it all follows me, everywhere I go, and I still can’t fucking escape, like they crawl around in my dreams and pop back in when I’m just trying to get by, and it’s just…” 

Felix continued to hold him, rocking him back and forth, listening as his sobs slowly died down into sniffles. 

“Thank you for telling me.” Felix whispered, pressing his lips into Changbin’s hair and closing his eyes. “I don’t know if I would’ve been able to do that. You’re so brave. And strong. You’ve been through so much, but you’ve also done so much. That’s  _ amazing _ .” 

Changbin didn’t say anything, just continued to hide his wet face in Felix’s shirt. 

“You’re allowed to be sad.” Felix said. “You’re allowed to cry and be weak. You’re allowed to be scared. And you’re allowed to love people. You’re allowed to… You’re allowed to love me, too, if you want.” 

Changbin looked up at Felix, and their eyes met. Changbin’s were swollen and so red, but he didn’t seem to care at that moment. He was just looking deep into Felix’s eyes with love that he had never displayed before in front of the younger boy. It seemed so unlike the Changbin Felix first met, yet so characteristic of the Changbin Felix knew. Even with red, puffy eyes and cheeks wet with tears and a runny nose, Changbin looked beautiful. Even the flawed parts. In Felix’s eyes he looked so, so  _ perfect _ . 

“Can you stay in here?” Changbin croaked, blinking away the last of his tears before lifting up his arm to rub at his eyes. “Just until I fall asleep? I don’t know… I don’t know if I should really be alone right now.” 

“Of course, hyung.” Felix smiled, softly. “Let’s get you on your bed. I bet you’ll be a lot more comfortable there.” 

Changbin looked exhausted, lying on the bed, until something seemed to hit him and he sat up, eyes widening and alertness returning. He looked at Felix, reached his hand forward, let his fingertips brush against the younger boy’s cheek as though he were testing if the freckles had texture. He was studying him, and he was in awe at what he was seeing. 

“Felix,” he said. “I used to think I knew you pretty well, from what Chan-hyung told me, and from what I saw, but now… I don’t think so. I don’t think I know you as well as I should—as well as I  _ want _ to.” 

Felix looked at him, quizzically, not quite sure what he was implying. 

“I want  _ you _ to introduce yourself. I want to know who you are. I want you to tell me about yourself, because I think you’re really fucking special and I would never forgive myself if I let you be a mystery.” 

Felix smiled, sitting down beside Changbin on the bed, and then he started thinking, and his smile faded. 

His smile faded because  _ he couldn’t think of anything _ . 

“I’m…” he began, but he couldn’t continue. He was stumped. 

_ Felix didn’t know anything about himself _ . 

He felt tears fill his eyes at the realization. All he wanted was to introduce himself to a person he loved, but he couldn’t. Why was he such a stranger? Why was he such a stranger to himself? Did he have a personality at all? Was he real? Did he exist? 

“What’s wrong?” Changbin’s voice was soft this time, just as Felix’s had been before. It was strange and warm and nice in it’s own little way that made Felix’s skin tingle and crawl at the same time because he loved it but he didn’t know why Changbin loved him. “Why are you crying?” 

“I can’t think of anything.” Felix whispered. 

Changbin hugged him. He was in the older boy’s lap, feeling so warm and comforted, crying into his shoulder because he didn’t know himself. 

“What’s so special about me if I can’t think of anything?” he mumbled, barely audible. 

“Maybe that just means you need to get to know yourself better, because everyone here thinks you’re special. How could we not? You’re like… You’re like sunshine, even though we’re underground. You make things bright without even trying. You make us feel like everything’s going to be okay just by being there. You’re probably the most special person I ever met.” 

Felix felt bad for crying. He didn’t deserve it. Why was he crying? There was no reason. He was crying in vain. But Changbin seemed to read his thoughts. 

“You’re allowed to cry for yourself, Felix.” he said. “You’re allowed to feel things. You’re allowed to be sad for yourself, and to want more for yourself, because you deserve it. You deserve  _ everything _ .” 

They ended up laying down under the covers, and Felix was crying silently after Changbin fell asleep. He felt better looking at him. The way his lashes fanned over his cheekbones. The way he was breathing, evenly, peacefully. The way his hair was spread over his forehead, silky and tousled. Felix gently enclosed the older boy’s limp hand in his own, feeling its warmth. It was as if he was being recharged. 

Magic was filling his veins and bringing him life. 

And Felix realized that he would be so happy if Changbin kissed him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "It Happened Quiet" by AURORA.


	12. "but i crumble completely when you cry"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing is my coping mechanism, so here's another chapter! Tbh, I've just been really motivated on this fic. I usually feel a little bit of a burden writing chapters for fics and getting them out in time, but this one I've been really enjoying writing lol. Maybe it's because this plot and world have been at the back of my mind for like 8 yrs lol (fun fact: I came up with this world and set up the plot when I was eleven, only it was about an edgy girl (nothing like Felix in this fic lol) and it was obviously written by an innocent, unskilled fifth grader rip). 
> 
> Anyway, ANGST!!! Sorry for the angst, I didn't really know how to flesh out certain characters without giving them some issues. In order to establish parallels and bring forth character development, I tend to use angst lmao. BUT, more info is revealed in this chapter, even if it's subtle. Felix is really growing up (*cries*). 
> 
> I hope you enjoy! <3

Felix wanted to fall asleep in Changbin’s bed, pressed into his side, listening to the older boy’s steady, even breathing, but he had other people to talk to before the end of the night. 

He slowly maneuvered his body so that he was out of the bed, which was not a difficult task, considering the fact that Changbin always seemed to sleep curled into himself so as to look as small and hidden as possible (a trait learned through conditions Felix would rather not think about). The light was on, and Felix couldn’t help but continue to look at Changbin. His skin seemed to glow, despite its scars and imperfections (those glowed the brightest in Felix’s eyes, anyway), and he looked content, despite the continuing redness of his eyes and the dried tear tracks on his cheeks. It was a vulnerable look for Changbin, especially considering his fears, but that only made it so much more meaningful. Felix was honored that Changbin had been willing to trust Felix with such a fragile part of himself. 

Felix thought about what Changbin had told him—what the others at the Headquarters had told him. They told him that he lit up the room, and that he was incredibly lovable, even on their first meeting. They told him that he was cute and sweet. He wondered if any of it was true, or if it was the thing in his eyes, that turned them purple—that came about when the world paused for a second and he got immersed in the hidden emotions of another. 

Did anyone love him, or did they only love the purple in his eyes? 

What about Changbin? Was Changbin only blinded by the power Felix held? Would he change his mind? Would Felix hurt him? 

Felix couldn’t help but allow his brain to spiral. He stood in the room, shutting his eyes so that he couldn’t see Changbin and nothing could see his irises. He turned around and crouched down so that his knees were bent and his face was in his arms. Nobody could see his eyes that way. 

Would the world change for those seconds where his eyes were covered? 

Would it become more real? 

Would it grow cold? 

He walked past Changbin’s bookshelf, back and forth, fingertips brushing against the spines of the books. One of them was rough. It was much older than the others. Felix slid it out and observed the cover. 

In golden lettering, it read:  _ The Book of Gifts - Student’s Guide  _ . 

It was published in 1943. 

Felix opened it up, smelling the sharp, dusty scent of old paper, and turned into the Table of Contents. He read through the sections. 

“ _ Basic Gifts _

_ Introduction to Rare and Advanced Gifts _

_ Advanced Cognitive Gifts _

_ Advanced Physically Adaptive Gifts _

_ Rare Gifts”  _

The Basic and Rare Gifts sections were the shortest. Even the Introduction to Rare and Advanced Gifts was longer than the two put together. He flipped through the list of Cognitive Gifts, wondering if he would find anything. 

_ “Telepathy: a gift characterized by the reading of one’s thoughts through means of active channeling or unwanted signals. There are many additional abilities that are connected to this gift, though they differ from person to person and cannot be added into the broad definition.”  _

Under Telepathy, Suffering Absorption was listed, and given a brief explanation, beside an old photograph of two women with identical features, twins, holding hands. 

_ “Telepathic, identical twins with the Suffering Absorption trait have the ability to experience each other’s emotions and physical sensations. The trait cannot be connected to the Rare Gift Empathy, because it is confined to those who share one’s DNA.” _

Felix flipped to the Rare Gifts, finding the page on which Empathy was described. Beside the definition was a drawing of a man wearing a dress and makeup, with the caption:  _ “Kenneth Bingsley, 1764, the last recorded empath. He took the identity of his mother for years after her passing, having read her enough to keep her personality living, himself.”  _

_ “Empathy: a rare gift, allowing the person to experience the emotions and physical sensations of others when reading them, resulting in distress, confusion, and, oftentimes, lack of personal identity.”  _

It said nothing about purple eyes. Nothing about taking away a person’s pain. Nothing at all. It did not match with Felix’s traits. Felix was not an Empath. 

__ He stumbled across another gift that seemed to resemble some aspects of what he experienced. 

_ “Mental Manipulation: a rare gift characterized by the ability to control another person’s inner monologue in ways that benefit the manipulator.” _

Felix couldn’t change their inner monologue, could he? Of course he couldn’t. If he had been able to do so, Seungmin would have been cured of his intrusive thoughts at their first meeting. Changbin’s insecurities and acts of trauma-induced self-protection would be replaced with thoughts of warmth and positivity. Chan wouldn’t see himself as a tool. That couldn’t be it. 

He was about to give up, when he turned the book in his hands and saw part of a yellow note card shift so that a corner was peeking from within the back cover. It was between the binding cloth and the piece of paper that secured it to the hard board. The paper was flapping upward, having been secured with glue that seemed to have dried out and cracked over the years. He pinched the corner of the note card and pulled, almost tearing it as it slowly slid out. 

On it was something written in black pen, in old fashioned calligraphy that was difficult to read. Felix could understand some of it, though. The title:  _ “Notes: 11/15/1945”,  _ and something else, underneath it. 

_ “Empathic Mind Control” _

Empathic Mind Control? 

It was undefined, surrounded by scribbles, but the handwriting said something to Felix that he wasn’t sure how he caught onto. How could he? It was written so long ago. It was words on a piece of paper, for crying out loud! But it wasn’t for Felix. For Felix, it was emotion. Thought. 

The person who had written the note had hidden it because they had a gift that had never been defined. That was influencing every aspect of their life. And they wanted somebody to see it, eventually. In the future. They wanted them to understand. 

The person who had written it had the gift of Empathic Mind Control. 

And something in Felix, big and wild and frightening, told him that he had the gift, too. 

Before stepping out of the room, Felix put the book away, pocketing the notecard, and tucked Changbin in. He wanted to see everyone in the world, but he didn’t want them to see his eyes. Nevertheless, if he could control their mind in a way that would only take their pain away, it couldn’t be bad, could it? It felt bad. Everything felt bad. Felix felt guilty for having ever looked into anyone’s eyes. He felt guilty for existing in other people’s lives. 

Everyone loved him, but did they, really? 

Would things be better if he wasn’t living with them? 

Changbin had said that Felix was allowed to want more for himself. He was allowed to have people. 

Had he said that because he was brainwashed, or because it was true? 

“Chan-hyung?” Felix said in a quiet voice as he knocked on his brother’s door. 

The door opened, and then Felix was wrapped in a tight embrace, before he could say or think anything. It was strange hugging Chan, especially now. There was the big, strong Chan that would pick him up and take care of him, and now he wasn’t so big anymore. He was a person, wasn’t he? Chan was a real person, and he was still so young. 

He was shaking. Felix wondered if he had ever stopped since his outburst in the community room. Knowing Chan, he probably hadn’t, and he probably wouldn’t for a long time. Chan rarely ever showed a trace of vulnerability, but when he did, it poured and poured, completely out of his control. Most of the time, when it started, he ran away so as to be alone, and Felix never followed him. He hadn’t even checked on him after, because he knew Chan wanted to seem strong all the time. But now he was, and he was looking at someone who was so different to the person he had known his entire life. 

This was a Chan that thought he was going to die, and was preparing for it, but who also really, really didn’t want to. 

Felix hugged Chan as tightly as possible, and then pulled away, staying as alert as he could manage, doing something he had never done before—he feigned strength, because Chan really needed it. If Chan couldn’t be strong, who was there to be strong for him? 

“I’m sorry, Felix…” Chan choked out, tears streaming from his eyes. His knees wobbled and he crashed to the floor, burying his face in his arms. Felix shut the door behind him and crouched before his older brother, running his hand over his unruly curls. 

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, hyung.” Felix whispered. “It’s okay.” 

“I’m sorry for  _ everything _ … I messed everything up… I ruined everything… I don’t deserve to be here, all I did was put everyone in danger. I didn’t do  _ anything _ right. I’m such a waste…” 

“That’s not true. You did more for us than we could imagine. You’ve been putting yourself in danger for us. That’s so brave and honorable, and we really, really appreciate you for it.” 

_ I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, _ Chan was telling himself.  _ But I deserve it. I deserve it, so it’s okay. _

“You’re not gonna die, hyung.” Felix said, more forcefully than before, wrenching his older brother’s face out of his folded arms so that he was making eye contact with him. “Hyunjin’s dream didn’t show you dying. You don’t have to.” 

“Felix, it’s either me or you, and if anything happened to you…” Chan’s voice cracked. “If anything happened to you, I might as well be dead.” 

“How do you think  _ I _ feel, hyung?” Felix was feeling some strange emotion. Was it frustration? Was it...anger? “You can’t just go out sacrificing yourself at every opportunity you get! How do you think I feel worrying every day that I’m going to lose you?! I love you, hyung! I  _ love _ you! You think you’re making the right decision, but you aren’t! You’re digging an even deeper hole and burying us in it! You may think you’re disposable, but to us, you’re like a part of our souls! Stop projecting your own sense of self-hate onto us! Don’t make us lose you!” 

Felix was frustrated because Chan didn’t understand. He wanted Chan to understand. He just really, really wanted him to  _ understand _ . 

Chan paused, holding eye contact with Felix for a few seconds, the weight of his younger brother’s words sinking in, and Felix was taller than him. Felix was towering over him, all gentle sensitivity and love and  _ anger _ , and Chan didn’t say anything because he couldn’t. 

Since he was a baby, Chan had the weight of the world resting on his shoulders, but he had never known the right thing to say. 

He lived in an internal monologue. He expressed his emotions when the lights were off and the doors were closed. He coped by restricting his sleep and driving himself insane with responsibility after responsibility stacked on top of each other like bricks, combining to create the skyscraper that was Chan’s instability. 

He was, in every sense of the word, deteriorating. 

And Felix was only just figuring it out. 

Chan couldn’t even hold himself up in a sitting position anymore. He was sprawled on the floor, sobbing into the cracks between the floorboards. 

“I just want to  _ fix _ everything…” Chan whimpered, sounding so much younger than Felix ever expected he could sound. “I want to put everything back together… I want to make things better… I want to feel like something about me means something… But I never find anything… I reach and reach and try so fucking hard, and then… I just come back empty-handed…” 

“Hyung, look at me.” Felix had to take some of it away. It was too much. He had to help. 

His eyes met Chan’s, his surroundings slowly beginning to turn dim as he started to dissociate. 

_ And then a hand was slapped over his eyes.  _

“Felix, don’t.” Chan’s voice, not composed and not strong, desperate. “Please don’t.” 

How did Chan know? 

“Don’t drain yourself.” Chan said. “ _ Please _ .” 

They were silent, and Chan fell asleep on the floor, in the most uncomfortable position known to mankind (Felix wondered if this was his first night of sleep of the week). The door opened and Minho came in. It was strange to see Minho awake while Chan was passed out on the floor.

“Go to bed, Felix.” he said. “I got him.” 

Felix just nodded and stood up, listening to the quiet sounds of Minho dragging his older brother to bed as he walked away. 

Emotionally drained, Felix opened the door to his and Seungmin’s room to see pitch black. He crept over to his bed, flopping down and closing his eyes. He was so confused. 

And then someone was sliding in next to him. 

And Felix smiled, because it was Seungmin. 

“I don’t want to lose you, Felix.” Seungmin whispered in a quiet, small voice. He was the little boy who had seen the dead bodies of his parents sprawled on the living room floor in a pool of their own blood. He was the little boy who didn’t know it was possible for anyone in the world to want him—to love him. 

“You’re not going to.” Felix said. 

“I don’t want you to go… I just want you to be okay…” 

“I know. It’s gonna be okay. Just go to sleep.” 

And Seungmin did. 

Then Felix. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "505" by Arctic Monkeys.


	13. "all moments, past, present, and future, have always existed, and will always exist"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to wait to post this chapter, but I just said "screw it", so here you go! This story is really picking up, and I actually cannot stop writing lmao. Don't mind me taking breaks from studying for my geography exam to write this fanfic lol (*smiles awkwardly*). 
> 
> TW for:   
>  \- mention of past starvation, thinness (in case that triggers anyone, even though it was more of a hunger strike than an ED).   
>  \- mention of pretty severe depression   
>  \- mention of child abuse and trauma   
>  \- basically anything associated with Changbin's past (AKA the last three)   
>  \- general angst 
> 
> Also CHANGLIX! I won't tell you what, you'll have to read to find out, but CHANGLIX. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy! <33

Fourteen-year-old Changbin was standing in the small, white room, in nothing but his underwear. 

Goosebumps covered his skin, and he was shivering. It was cold (or maybe it was just him), and he hated the feeling of being exposed. Sure, he’d gotten changed around the other kids at the Academy before, no big deal, but they were the same as him. They weren’t observing him, taking measurements, checking if he was healthy. 

He knew he wasn’t healthy—not in any way—but he didn’t want anyone to know that. 

“Step on the scale, Changbin.” said the nurse in a sweet voice. 

Changbin didn’t want to obey, because he knew he probably weighed embarrassingly little for someone his age. He was already shorter than his peers. Nevertheless, he stepped onto the scale, watching as the number appeared in front of him. 

_ 44.6 kg _

His vitals were being taken. They took a vial of blood. His numerous injuries were observed. 

“Your blood pressure is low.” said the nurse. “It’s dangerously low, as a matter of fact. Channie told me you haven’t been able to eat much.” 

Changbin shrugged and said, “I can’t eat a lot of stuff.” 

It wasn’t healthy, but Changbin had spent the last few years of his life refusing to eat the food at the Academy’s cafeteria. It was always the same thing: rice. Of course, the menu was expanded for those who cooperated, but for Changbin, it was only the amount of sustenance to keep him alive, and there was never any variety. He stopped eating it at one point, going days fasting, specifically for the purpose of fainting in class and pissing off the staff. Every time he saw rice, all he could think of was the Academy. The torture chamber. The pills and the shock helmet. Seunghyun’s disgusting face. He was tube fed a few times at the Academy, when he was being especially defiant (he enjoyed making the staffs’ lives difficult). His stomach had shrunk, though, and he found it extremely difficult to eat more than a few small bites of anything, now that he was at the Headquarters. 

Maybe Chan was so nervous about his friends’ eating habits because of Changbin. Because Changbin had allowed himself to waste away out of spite. A lot of worry and stress had arisen because of Changbin. He couldn’t help it, though. 

He was a burden on everyone, pretty much. 

That was part of the reason why he was so adamant about hiding his emotions. 

His thoughts were too concerning to let out in the open. 

The depression was terrible, Changbin grew to realize. It finally had a name now. He spent the first two weeks in the infirmary, waiting for his wounds to heal and his vitals to stabilize. By the time he was able to move into his room, his skin was clearer than it had ever been. Of course, he was still littered with faded bruises and cuts and scars, but his skin suddenly looked like skin again. It finally felt like his own, rather than the mass of black and blue pain it had recently been.

But then it stopped feeling like his own. He stopped knowing who he was without the bruises. He started to realize that the pain was the only thing he had ever really felt. Of course, the possibility of escaping was always something, but now that he had gotten out… it didn’t feel as he’d hoped. He was supposed to feel free and happy, but all he felt was  _ lost _ . He felt guilty for having gotten out when his friends hadn’t. He felt as if he didn’t deserve to be free. 

Maybe it was the fact that he always had a picture of the outside world—something bright and full of love, as his life had been before he was kidnapped. And he was beginning to realize that he would never get that again. He would never get any of it back. Everything was ruined for him. 

He spent days at a time in bed, refusing to move or eat or even open his eyes at times. Words meant nothing to him. He was just too tired and everything was too bleak. He felt as if he were looking out a dusty window, stuck in a place where there wasn’t oxygen, drifting, drifting, drifting, only to get nowhere. He didn’t even remember his fifteenth birthday. 

Changbin was asleep when Jisung was rescued. He was asleep when the younger boy perched himself at the edge of his bed, waiting for him to wake up with silent tears streaming down his chubby cheeks. He remembered waking up and thinking he was dead, and then getting extremely sad. 

Sad, because Jisung was free, and Changbin couldn’t be happy about it. 

_ “He’s so thin, hyung…”  _

_ “I know, Jisungie, but he’ll get better.”  _

_ “When is he going to wake up?”  _

_ “When he’s ready. Now, we just have to be here for him.” _

There were pattering footsteps outside after that. Soft voices in the hallways. And Jisung was always with him, in the room, talking when he needed to think about something and staying quiet when he was too overwhelmed to think. Chan was the only one allowed to take care of him—to drag him out of bed and push him into the shower, and to sit with him as he cried. Things were so dark for a long time. 

And then he started to feel a little bit better. 

He started eating regularly, and gaining much-needed weight. 

He started training. Building muscle. Growing to appreciate and like the appearance of a body that had once been so small and so broken. 

He had a routine, even if it revolved around the avoidance of his fears. 

Life was manageable. 

And maybe he wanted something more, and that was why he insisted he repay Chan in some way. That was why he went to live in Felix’s neighborhood to watch over him. It gave him something to do, something to think about, and feel accomplished about. 

Maybe he also realized at some point that he had a hard time taking his eyes off of Felix, too, but he would never admit that. 

* * * * *

Chan wasn’t in any shape to be heading back to District 9 for the week, but he had to. Felix didn’t want him to go, but he had to. Felix knew that Chan only did what he had to do, and never did what he wanted to do. That was the way his brain had been wired to think. It was almost as if he had been stripped of all free thought, a slave to the words of others. 

Felix was waking up to the feeling of being gently shaken. He peeled his eyes open and looked up to see Chan sitting on the edge of his bed, hovering over him, peaked face barely visible in the small beam of light that shone in from the hallway. It was early—so early that Seungmin was still dead asleep against Felix’s side. Felix forgot he had fallen asleep there, they had both been so exhausted. Felix wanted to go back to sleep, but he also knew that Chan’s eyes were full of some type of yearning. He needed Felix to be awake. 

“Felix, I want to talk to you before I leave.” Chan whispered. His eyes were bloodshot, Felix discovered, and surrounded by darkness. Chan clearly wanted to go back to sleep, as well. Or maybe he just wanted to disappear. 

Felix nodded, shifting so that Seungmin was no longer pressed against his arm, causing the boy to sigh in his sleep and roll over. Seungmin could be pretty adorable when his guard was down. His code name was  _ Puppy _ , afterall. It made Felix wonder what Seunghyun would think if he saw that the genius, ruthless hacker for the Caseworkers was only a skinny teenage boy. 

Felix thought of the image he had seen the night before—of Chan crumpled on the floor, face pressed into the wooden planks, eyes shut like he hadn’t slept for an eternity, face still dripping with tears. He hadn’t changed very much. He didn’t look as rough as he had before. His skin looked tender, like that of a child. His eyes looked soft and shiny, as if he were silently pleading with something—brought to tears because of how much he wanted it. Or maybe brought to tears because he knew he would never get it. 

Felix understood. 

Chan wanted his little brother—his only family. 

They sat down on one of the couches in the community room. It was barely five o’clock. Chan looked distant for a few seconds, lost in thought, and so, so tired. 

“I love you, hyung.” Felix said, because he knew his brother needed to hear it. 

Chan just nodded, and then he leaned his head on Felix’s shoulder as if he, himself, were the younger sibling. Felix draped an arm around his shoulders and they sat for a minute or two. The roles had been reversed the last time they did this. Felix remembered leaning his head on Chan’s shoulder as a child, sometimes falling asleep there. 

“I wanted to get to know you better.” Chan said. “Because I failed at that. I completely failed. And I’m so sorry. I should have been a good brother, but I wasn’t.” 

“It’s okay,” Felix said, deciding it was a better option not to invalidate his brother’s statement with words of denial. “You didn’t hurt me.” 

“Tell me how it feels… Your powers. And how you feel, emotionally. I want to understand.” 

Felix sighed. 

“Well,” he said, leaning his head sideways onto the crown of his brother’s. “I guess… I guess whenever someone is hurt or upset, I feel it, too. And I internalize it. I blame it on myself sometimes, and all I want to do is make them feel better. So I look at them and focus and  _ dissociate _ , and then I can take the pain away. It goes into me. Seungmin thinks I’m rewiring their brain in some way. He thinks it’s mind control, since I’m not actually healing them. 

“I guess the biggest problem is that I don’t know if people like me for me, or if it’s because I’m brainwashing them somehow. And… Changbin-hyung, last night, asked me to introduce myself, and… I couldn’t think of anything. I didn’t know anything. And that made me realize that I know everything about so many people, but I don’t have a personality, really. I’m just nobody.” 

Chan didn’t do what Felix expected. He didn’t quickly jump and compliment Felix, telling him he was loved and appreciated, because he knew it wouldn’t help. It would only reinforce Felix’s unsureness. 

“I feel the same way.” was what Chan said. 

“But…” Felix was confused. He had never been so confused. “You always knew what you were going to do. Nayeon always had a plan for you. And you’re really talented. You always seemed so determined. Everyone looks up to you.” 

“Nayeon kept you silent by telling you not to speak and making you stay away from the other kids at school. For me, she kept me silent about everything but my mission. She told me that I couldn’t think about myself because then I would be a parasite to the Caseworkers. So I grew up thinking that if I didn’t do everything right, then I would be worthless. I focused only on pleasing her, and then on doing my job correctly. I guess I forgot how to be a person. Since I got here… it’s felt like the compassionate part of me is there, inside me, but it doesn’t know how to come out. I only know how to be a robot.” 

Felix and Chan were so different, but they were the same. They had been raised by the same woman. They were both lacking the love and support they needed, and they struggled to give each other what the other needed because they, themselves, were confused. Felix had been kept in the shadows his entire life, but he was allowed to be vulnerable. He was allowed to be taken care of. He was allowed to be afraid. Chan was at the frontlines, feigning strength, pretending to be a mentor for others when he couldn’t even figure out his own sleep schedule. And when he was hurting, nobody noticed, and nobody comforted him. 

Most of the time, not even Felix. 

“I have to leave soon.” Chan whispered, as if the words hurt. They probably did. Nobody wanted Chan to go. Why did it feel like leaving Chan on that day six years before? 

“I love you, hyung.” Felix said again, because he needed to. 

“I love you, too, buddy.” Chan said, because Felix needed it. 

Felix hugged Chan for a long time before he left. It must have been at least five minutes. And then Chan was gone, and Felix felt as if a piece of his heart had been ripped away. The only way to keep from crying was by going into Changbin and Jisung’s room. 

Jisung was awake, surprisingly. He was sitting up on his bed, chewing on his fingernails and looking cautiously at Changbin, as if the sleeping boy were an untamed animal. He turned to Felix and smiled, slightly. 

“Chan-hyung left?” he mouthed. 

Felix nodded. 

He then walked over to Changbin’s bed, sitting on the end, past Changbin’s feet, and scrunching his small body up into a ball. 

“He likes you, Felix.” Jisung whispered. “I think he really likes you.” 

Felix just nodded again, looking at Changbin’s face then back at Jisung. 

“I trust you.” Jisung sounded so serious and so honest, and Felix didn’t know if the feeling in his chest was love or hurt. Love for his friends, hurt because he didn’t know if their love for him was real or not. “Changbin-hyung is fragile. If it were anyone else, I’d probably be shunning their existence and doing everything to keep them away from him, but I don’t think you could hurt him if you tried. Hyung gets broken really easily, but you’re good at mending people.” 

“...you guys talking about me…?” mumbled a quiet voice, low and gruff from sleep. The almost-twins turned their attention to the older boy, whose eyes were opening as he sat up in bed, rubbing them with his fists (Felix thought that was incredibly adorable). 

“No.” Jisung said. “Imma head out. Felix, make sure he’s taken care of and stuff.” 

Changbin scowled, saying, “I’m not a fucking child, squirrel-face.” 

“Then stop acting like one, asshole.” 

“Hey, that’s  _ hyung _ for you!” 

“Okay, Asshole- _ hyung _ .” 

Jisung ran out of the room before Changbin could jump out of bed and tackle him to the ground. Changbin just fell back into the mattress, looking thoroughly exhausted, and Felix couldn’t blame him. He had basically poured his entire soul out the night before, and that was hard to recover from—especially when you were someone as guarded as Changbin was. 

“Hey, hyung.” Felix said in a soft, sweet voice. 

And Changbin started crying again. 

“What is it?” Felix asked. “Did I do something?” 

Changbin just shook his head and said, “No, I’m just confused.” 

“Oh,” Felix paused. “It’s okay to be confused. I am, too.” 

They were silent for a few minutes before Changbin spoke. 

“Felix…?” he said. 

“Yes, hyung?” 

“Never mind.” 

“You can tell me. You don’t have to hide from me, you know?” 

“It’s just… It’s hard for me to…” 

Felix knew what Changbin wanted, so he said, “Do you want me to hug you again, hyung, like I did last night?” 

Changbin just looked at him, cheeks and ears growing pink, and then he nodded, silently, looking away in embarrassment. Felix giggled. 

They ended up in an odd position, Felix under the covers, on his side, with Changbin’s face buried in his shirt, like he was a teddy bear. Felix wrapped his legs around Changbin’s waist, because he just felt like it and he wasn’t afraid. It was cute, and Changbin was incredibly warm. Felix felt so loved. He just wanted to hold Changbin forever. Even if the older boy’s muscles were hard underneath the black he was always wearing, and his face was stern, he was so, so soft. 

“I’ve… I’ve never felt like this before.” Changbin mumbled, voice muffled against the fabric his face was pressed into. Felix could feel the sound waves going through his skin, vibrating his heart. He was soaring in the most peaceful way. 

“Like what?” Felix asked, squeezing the older boy tighter and burying his nose in his hair. 

“Like…” his voice was cracking. Felix felt a small amount of wetness sink into his t-shirt and come in contact with his skin. “Like, if I lose you, I’ll be losing  _ everything _ .” 

Felix didn’t speak, just hummed, softly. 

“It’s not like Chan-hyung and Jisung. It’s… different. I can’t really understand it. It’s not because I owe you anything, and it’s not because I feel a responsibility over you. I don’t see you as an older or younger brother, like with them. I see you as… you. When I first saw you, you were just…  _ you _ . And, I don’t know… It was comforting.”

Changbin borrowed his face deeper into Felix’s chest. He was right against the younger boy’s heartbeat. 

“You’re just beautiful. Like really beautiful. And…” Changbin sounded delirious, but in the best way possible. “I’ll do anything to keep you safe, because whenever I’m around you, that’s the closest I feel to normal. Ever since I was kidnapped, I was always living with this big, empty pit that was making me feel like nothing, like my whole life would be blank, but with you, it’s like I can see things again. I can see the sun when it’s out. And it means everything to me.” 

“Hyung…” Felix breathed out, pulling away slightly, so that he could see Changbin’s face. 

He looked slightly, panicked, as though he were worried he had overshared and made Felix uncomfortable. He looked like he was about to apologize and beat himself up about it, but Felix didn’t let him get that far. 

“Can I kiss you?” Felix asked, gently, quietly, completely unabashedly because he really liked Changbin and he knew his feelings were requited. 

Changbin looked confused at first, eyebrows furrowed, as if he were trying to decide if he had misheard the younger boy or not, and then his ears turned red. His eyes turned red. Red with embarrassment and shock and  _ love _ , and he nodded. 

Changbin’s mouth seemed so harsh and piercing at first glance. Downturned most of the time, just a flat line. It frightened Felix on the day he had lost Nayeon. But, against his lips, Changbin’s mouth was so soft. Gentle and hesitant, because he didn’t know how to love people just yet. Felix had never kissed anyone before, but he knew how to love like second nature—like it was his gift. He wanted to teach him. 

Felix was supposed to be the innocent one. He had been sheltered all his life. He didn’t know what a crush was until the age of eighteen. He had only seen kissing in the form of sloppy makeout sessions in the bathrooms at school that he had accidentally walked in on and thoroughly regretted witnessing. He didn’t have friends, and he didn’t know how to have friends until recently— _ still _ was a little confused. But when he was kissing Changbin, he felt like he knew everything in the world. He felt like he was dripping with knowledge, and Changbin was eating it up, scrambling to find anything, hungry for it like he would die without it. Felix wanted Changbin to know that he was loved. 

_ Changbin _ was small and quiet and innocent. Not Felix. So gentle and pure that Felix couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was so much of a contrast to the boy’s outward appearance that it left Felix flabbergasted and speechless. It was endearing. It was complex, and it was beautiful. 

When they pulled away, Changbin was crying again. Felix didn’t let him bury his face in his shirt again, because he didn’t want Changbin to hide. He didn’t need to hide when he was so mesmerizing. The tears looked like small drops of magic; sparkling, pure, clear. His skin looked like satin with roses on his cheeks. His eyelashes stuck together. Felix saw every detail, and he couldn’t point out a single thing he didn’t love. 

“I want to see your face.” Felix whispered. 

“I look like shit.” Changbin said, voice gruff in a measly attempt at resurrecting whatever traces of unbothered-ness he usually concealed himself with. 

“No, you don’t.” Felix brushed the other boy’s tears away with his thumbs. “You don’t have to hide from me. I like you as you are. I think you’re perfect.” 

Changbin didn’t seem to believe him. 

“I love you, hyung.” Felix said. “I love you a lot.  _ I love you _ .” 

Those words meant a million things to a million different people, but Felix used them left and right because he felt it in his heart. There were so many different types of love, and the love he felt for Changbin was a little bit different. He wasn’t afraid to say it. 

Changbin still didn’t seem to believe him, but Felix would never use his gift for something like this. Never in the world. He would tell Changbin he loved him over and over and  _ over _ again until, someday, it would sink in and he would realize it was true. 

Felix must have fallen asleep, because, the next thing he knew, he was opening his eyes to the sound of shouting. The voice was frantic. He heard loud footsteps in the hallway, running. Changbin was shaking him awake. 

“Felix, something happened.” he said, voice short and on-edge. 

Felix sat up, taking Changbin’s hand in his and squeezing it, acknowledging Changbin’s panic first. 

_ And then it all hit him, because the next person he thought of after gaining conscious awareness was Chan.  _

“I received a message from Chan’s tracker.” Yongsun said, looking down at the small piece of technology in her hands. She looked stressed, but Felix could tell she was doing everything she could to stay composed. “It’s not from him. It’s from Seunghyun. Chan’s been discovered, and he’s being held hostage.” 

Felix felt as though his heart had stopped completely. Everyone else seemed to feel that way, as well, but for Felix it was different. It was familiar in such a bitter way. It was the same person that had left him before, leaving again, and neither time was it his brother’s fault. Chan left Felix again because he had to, not because he wanted to. 

Everyone was feeling it. Changbin and Ryujin, because they knew what it felt like to be tortured by Seunghyung. Jisung, because he couldn’t get over the guilt of having once idolized such an evil man (despite the fact that it wasn’t his fault). Jamie, because Chan was her best friend—the person who had swooped in after the death of her brother and filled a void. Everyone was terrified. Chan was their spy. It was inevitable. But Chan was supposed to be invincible. 

Felix closed his eyes because he couldn’t think of anything but Chan. He closed his eyes and he thought about his brother, trying to pick something up— _ anything _ . 

_ Chan, Chan, Chan, Chan, Chan…  _

_ Flashing lights, a blow to the head, and a burst of electricity that separated his mind from his body and sent his entire nervous system into agony.  _

Felix opened his eyes. 

“Minho and Seungmin,” Yongsun said. “You stay here with Felix. Seungmin, hack into the security system at the Academy, Minho you make sure Felix does not leave, under  _ any _ circumstances. We’re going to need as much backup as we can get, and this happened at such a short notice I don’t have time to contact people.” 

And then Felix was being dragged into Minho’s room, and the door was closing. 

But all he could think about was Chan, and the electricity. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut.


	14. "morsecoding signals, they pulsate and wake me up from my hybernating"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go!! We're getting closer to the action! 
> 
> CW for blood/vomit/torture. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy! <3

Things had once been so simple. 

Felix, young; with soft and tender skin and eyes bright with curiosity. A shiny, black bowl cut, and freckles on his cheeks. Sitting there, around his eyes, lighting up the world like stars. 

He was five years old. 

Where was the sadness back then? None of it was his. He cried when someone else cried. He went to school and walked back home with Chan, looking up to his brother as though he were an image of perfection. He didn’t understand anything, so he didn’t worry. He didn’t worry. 

Felix was born with love, innately. He was born with a gentleness that would survive all harm. He was born with a grasp on empathy that most adults hadn’t come close to mastering. It was innate. It was bringing him life and bringing him hurt and bringing him love. It made him beautiful, because he was able to see a person for  _ everything: _ hard, soft, shiny, dull, passions, worries, everything. It was intimate without being close. 

But Chan meant more than anything to him, because he was his older brother. 

There was something so powerful about him. He was made of steel, and he never faltered. There was a routine for him, and there were rules (so, so many rules), but there was also a compassion behind it all. There was a sense that everything he did was for others, and he would give his life for such a purpose. Felix  _ idolized _ him. 

Felix was stepping out of the elementary school, in tears, a scrape on his knee from having been pushed over at recess. The other children were not nice to him—they thought he was mute—and he couldn’t do a single thing in the world to stop them. He wasn’t hurting them, but he still hurt. 

Chan was standing there, at the bottom of the steps, looking up at him in the way he always did, and Felix felt safe. He ran to his brother, sobbing freely, and threw his arms around his torso, burying his little face in the eight-year-old’s chest. Chan hugged him back, asking him what was wrong. 

“They p-p-pushed me at r-recess, hyung…” Felix said, pulling up one of his pant legs and presenting the wound. 

“Who pushed you?” Chan asked, crouching down so he could take a look at the shallow scrape. 

“Th-the m-m-mean b-boys… They s-said I w-was m-mute…” 

“At recess?” Chan asked, rolling the five-year-old’s pant leg back down and letting the small child fall back into his arms. 

Felix nodded, sniffling into Chan’s shoulder. 

“Who was it? I can talk to them, tell them to leave you alone.” 

“N-no, h-hyung…” Felix whispered. “They’ll h-hurt you t-too.” 

“No, they won’t, Lixie. They’re a lot smaller than me. And, anyways, a little scrape is nothing to me if it means keeping you safe. I don’t want you to be scared when you’re at school.” 

“I don’t w-want you to h-hurt…” 

“Felix, I’ll get all the hurt in the world if it’s to keep you safe. And I won’t even cry. Because I hate seeing you sad more than I hate getting hurt.” 

His feelings never changed. 

* * * * *

_ The ropes hurt.  _

_ Everything hurt, from head to toe. His skin was sore and tingling, as though he were feverish. His heart was pounding too fast. His muscles ached. His head was throbbing at a level that was unbearable, causing his stomach to churn and his vision to swim. He couldn’t move, he was so exhausted. Tears were streaming from his eyes, but he wasn’t crying. They were just falling, falling, falling, against his will.  _

_ He let his head drop to his shoulder, glancing down at his body. He saw black spots, but they weren’t threatening to take away his vision completely. The ropes were so scratchy around his wrists that his skin was cut and bleeding. He saw the blood drip down the arms of the chair, one drop at a time, and he could almost feel the gradual blood loss. It felt like each drop was a piece of his life.  _

_ “Okay, Mr. Spy.” said a tall, narrow man, stepping into the cell, crossing his arms with a look of subtle, ferocious evil on his face. “Are you gonna tell me where the headquarters is, or are you gonna sit through another round of the shock helmet?”  _

_ Was this how Nayeon had died?  _

_ “I’m never telling you anything. I’ll die before I tell you.”  _

_ “That must be a shame for your team…” said Seunghyun, clicking his tongue and smirking. “Losing their star. Won’t they miss your invisibility? I doubt they’ll miss you, since you failed, but they’ll miss your gifts. It’s a shame they were wasted.”  _

_ “I won’t speak.”  _

_ “Okay, have it your way.” Seunghyun turned around, to the door. “Turn it up to 50!”  _

_ The pain was too much—so much his vision turned completely black. He was convulsing and his wrists were bleeding even more. He was throwing up into the cloth tied around his mouth and  _ choking _ on it. He could barely breathe. He thought he was going to suffocate. It was so much that it stopped feeling like pain. It was like floating in some sort of dark abyss, watching himself deteriorate into nothing. He was being ripped apart into individual particles, swimming in the atmosphere like flies.  _

_ And then he saw Felix’s smile, and he realized that it was all worth it.  _

_ He saw Changbin’s safety, and he realized it was worth it.  _

_ A world where his friends could live, even if they weren’t completely free.  _

_ That was worth more than anything.  _

_ He gladly let himself disintegrate.  _

Felix woke up screaming. 

There was fire in his chest and the ghosts of ropes on his bare wrists. The sight of Chan’s injured body was stuck in his brain, fading his vision and warping his reality. He couldn’t breathe. 

“Shhh…” said a soft voice. A gentle hand touched Felix’s arm, fingers gliding from shoulder to wrist in a steady rhythm. He started to breathe again. He started to see. “It’s okay, you’re okay.” 

Felix blinked, and then he saw Minho. Felix was in the older boy’s room, lying in his bed with a cold washcloth on his forehead. His shirt was off and Minho was fanning him. His mind felt muddled and slow, and his skin was aching, and Felix figured he must have gotten a fever. 

“Don’t move, Lix.” Minho said, blinking slowly. His eyes were surrounded by darkness. He was obviously exhausted. “Don’t overexert yourself, you’ve got a really high fever. I had to take your shirt off you because you sweated through it.” 

“Chan-hyung…” Felix mumbled, closing his eyes. He reached his hand out absentmindedly and grasped Minho’s, holding his cold fingers in his overheated hand as if they were helping him to balance. “He’s getting tortured.” 

“The others are in District 9 now.” Minho said, smoothing down Felix’s sweat-soaked hair with his free hand. Felix found the motion comforting, and he could tell Minho’s older-brother-instincts had come forward. “They’re going to get him.” 

“I w-want to go…” Felix could barely speak. He was so weak. 

“No, you can’t go, buddy. You’re not in any condition to be on the frontlines. They’ve got it. They’re strong.” 

Felix saw them in his mind. They didn’t know where they were going. They didn’t know how to get to Chan. And they weren’t sure if they would be able to save him. 

“No… I want to go… Please, hyung…” Felix felt tears spill out of his closed eyes. “I feel bad, but Chan-hyung feels worse… He’s  _ dying _ …” 

“Is he awake?” asked a voice from the doorway. It was Seungmin. Felix couldn’t see him, but the boy sounded breathless, but also determined, as if he had broken concentration to run in and check on his roommate. 

“He’s awake, but he’s not completely lucid.” Minho answered. “He says Chan-hyung’s being tortured, and he keeps begging me to let him go to District 9. I think he had a dream about him. From his perspective.” 

“Felix,” Seungmin said, pushing Minho out of the way as he hovered over the distressed, ailing boy. “What’s going on in District 9? Nobody will message me back, and I’m getting worried.” 

Felix closed his eyes, and then he saw a room. Quiet, still, empty. He felt hopeless. 

“They don’t know what to do.” Felix mumbled. “It’s too dangerous. They’re not as prepared as they thought. They think… They think Chan-hyung will… He won’t be okay…” 

“What’s going on, Seungmin?” Minho asked in a confused voice, dazed from his lack of energy but still laced with an alertness that came with the shocking events. 

“Felix’s gift is… I don’t know what it is, but it has some elements of empathy, telepathy and mind control. He has Suffering Absorption, but it’s not really Suffering Absorption, because it doesn’t take the wounds away, it only takes away the pain. He does what he can to take away people’s pain and bring it into himself, but he doesn’t get hurt. The power strain makes him sick. He can read others’ emotions and feel them. His eyes turn purple when he’s reading someone.” 

Everything went dark for Felix. 

_ He was in that cell again, but he couldn’t see. It was cold, and everything hurt. And then there was a sharp blow to his abdomen and he coughed, feeling something warm and thick splatter into his mouth. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to pass out. The blows kept coming, and he didn’t know where they were.  _

_ “Are you gonna answer my questions, spy, or are you gonna let me do this forever?” The person laughed.  _

Felix’s eyes snapped open and he gasped, as if he had been holding his breath. Some time seemed to have passed. He looked around. Minho was passed out in a chair across the room. Seungmin had left—he was probably on his computer, working on the security system. Felix slid his hand underneath his pillow and pulled out the small, yellowing notecard he had taken from Changbin’s book. It probably wasn’t a real gift, but it felt right. 

Something told him that he needed to go to District 9—that he was their only hope. 

Felix was so strained that he fell asleep again, card in hand, and when he woke up again, Minho was awake, and Seungmin was pacing around the room, biting on his knuckle, a distressed look on his face. 

“No, Seungmin.” Minho said in a short voice. He wasn’t going to compromise. “Felix  _ can’t _ go to District 9. Hyunjin’s dream—if it’s true, Felix can’t go.” 

“Well, hyung, it seems to me that if we don’t take Felix there, _ everyone _ is gonna die. The others are locked up in a room. Seunghyun knows they’re there. If they try to save Chan-hyung, they’re going to get killed. Chan-hyung is going to get killed.” 

“We don’t even know what his gift is!” 

“I think it has mind control elements! Do you  _ know _ how useful that is? He could save everyone! He could get rid of Seunghyun! We could free all those hostages!” 

“Seungmin, you’re going off of guesswork! You don’t know!” 

Felix looked down at the card, which was damp from having sat in his clammy hand. He lifted it up, looking weakly into Seungmin’s eyes until the other boy met his gaze, then turned it toward the piece of paper in his hand. He took it from Felix, looking at it, flipping it over, and then flipping it back over. He then looked up at Minho. 

“Hyung, I need you to go into Yongsun sajangnim’s office and look through everything—try to find this gift.  _ Empathic Mind Control _ . I have to keep an eye on the security cameras.” 

Minho took the card, looking down at it and reading through the words, and his eyes seemed to widen in shock. 

That was when Felix’s body exploded. Not literally (although it felt like it). He saw white as his head was stricken with a flash of excruciating pain. He put his hands in his hair, pulling at it with his fingers, screaming in agony. 

He was Chan, and his brain wasn’t his. 

“Stop!” he screamed. “Make it stop! I won’t tell you anything!” 

He was being lifted off the bed and carried. He could barely see. The world around him was white and washed out, and the sounds around him overlapped and morphed together and added to the pain in his head. He couldn’t stand it. Minho was speaking, but he couldn’t understand him. He was on the floor, but he could barely feel it. He just screamed and screamed, rolling around, trying to find  _ some _ sort of relief. 

All he knew was that he was in so much pain, but he wouldn’t tell Seunghyun anything. 

He wasn’t Chan, though. 

He was Felix. 

And his brother was  _ dying _ . 

“Dying…” he forced out of his mouth, voice hoarse from screaming. 

Minho said something that he couldn’t make out. 

Chan, carrying him to bed when he fell asleep on the couch. Chan, making mystery soup with him with experimental sandwiches. Chan, wrestling with him until he was in stitches from laughing so much. 

Chan,  _ dying _ . 

“CHAN-HYUNG!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, hoping that his words could make their way into his older brother’s brain and save him. They wouldn’t, but Felix didn’t know what to do, and he couldn’t think. 

There was another blow. Another wave of electricity. 

And everything faded away. 

Felix was barely conscious for a while after that. He remembered Seungmin running in and talking with Minho. He remembered being lifted and carried somewhere. Upstairs, outside, into the backseat of a car. His head was on someone’s lap. 

He opened his eyes, and he wasn’t at the Headquarters anymore. 

He closed his eyes, and he was in the past. 

But the memory wasn’t his. 

It belonged to someone else. 

_ Chan was eight years old, sitting on the couch. A little boy was in his lap, leaning back against his shoulder, giggling at the picture book Chan was reading to him. It was Felix.  _

_ “How are you so good at reading, hyung?” Felix asked, tilting his head up so that his round eyes and chubby cheeks were facing the older boy. Chan couldn’t help but smile. He loved his little brother so much, even if he was bad at taking care of him.  _

_ “I’ve been going to school longer than you, silly.” Chan said, pinching Felix’s nose, causing him to burst into giggles.  _

_ “Can I honk your nose, too?” he asked, cheeks red from laughter.  _

_ Chan nodded, and the little boy pinched his nose. Chan made a honking noise in his throat, which made the five-year-old even more entertained.  _

_ Felix wrapped his tiny arms around Chan’s torso, saying in a tiny, sentimental voice, “I love you forever, hyung.”  _

_ Chan made a silent promise to himself and to Felix that he would do everything he could to protect him. He was going to make sure that he was okay, even if it meant giving up his own safety.  _

_ He wouldn’t let his baby brother’s light go out.  _

Felix opened his eyes and realized he was going to District 9. 

And he decided that, this time, he was going to protect Chan. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Pagan Poetry" by Björk.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! <33 Feedback is appreciated!


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